The His Best Friend Thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
The His Best Friend Thing
2
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:28pm
Ok. Though this has been over for a while - I need someone to tell/help me get over what I have done. I'm sorry this is so long but I really need some good advice. The few friends that know dont have any idea what I can do so maybe someone out there can help. My situation is this. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year had have been together for 5 years - the wedding is next year. We are both young - he is 21 and I am 19 so this love and relationship is all I have ever known (that is not the reason I am stil with him however!). While technically F has never cheated on me - he has done some things that we have had to work on and he has had to build up my trust. Well around this past Christmas I went out with his friend L and some of my friends (he didnt feel like going out & stayed home that night). On the way home L & I held hands. The next day when I was home alone L and I were talking and we decided that nothing could ever go on because him and F had grown up together and I agreed that it was something we did because we were lonely. We both knew we were attracted to each other and said that in any other situation we could make things work. In the middle of this conversation he decided that he was going to come over and when he did we talked and wound up kissing. After the kiss, we wound up getting together at his house a couple of times and eventually had sex twice on two different occassions over the next couple of weeks. The last time we even saw each other privately was new years eve. Since then I have told him it is over. L has since moved away. I wish I could take it back but what is done is done. If my fiance finds out then he will leave me and I dont want that more than anything. I lay awake at night crying. He is my best friend and I feel like I want to go to him with all of this guilt but then have to face it that if I do then it will be over. I love this man and am planning on spending the rest of my life with him. Though people say we are young and blah blah blah - we ARE soul mates and I truely believe that in my heart. The guilt and agony I deal with is slowly fading and I cry less and less about it but it is in fact still there a lot of the time. I know that the issue sould not even be about me - its about him and what I have done to him. But that doesnt mean that I dont hurt about what I have done every day. Sometimes I feel what he doesnt know wont hurt him and other times I feel like I should tell him and deal with the pain of him leaving me because I deserve even more pain than that. Is there anyone who can tell me how to self help myself or give me a miracle? Any bit of advice will be graciously appreciated.





iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:55pm
You have admitted that you have made a mistake which is a good thing. The next step is to find out why you did it. Is it because something is missing in your relationship or were you in a particular vulnerable life situation or is it something related to your own personality? Do you think you could do it again? Do you really feel that your F is the person for you? If you really feel that you and F are suited for each other and what happened is just a one time mistake and would or could not EVER happen again and you want to move ahead with your wedding plans, I would suggest that you NOT tell him. People do sometimes make mistakes and as long as they learn something from it and don't intend to repeat it, they can make it through. I don't know if you are religious or not but if you are, religion does help a lot. Talking to your fiancé that you had sex with another person may or may not do well. Let’s say he hears it and totally dumps you, it could be a good thing and then you guys together don't have to live under that umbrella of mistrust and despair. But let’s say if he doesn't leave you and still loves you and wants to carry on the marriage plans (which I believe he would), then this issue will forever exist between you two both and will hinder any growth of relationship between you. I suggest if you are religious, either find a counselor priest or you could in your heart regret the incident, ask for forgiveness and move on. Religion helps and time is a big healer. You will find that once you have truly regretted the incident, slowly with time this pain and anguish will fade away. And if you have learned from this incident, you will know what triggered that incident and will stay away from such situations in the future.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 12:17am
Stop beating yourself up about this. Be strong, and understand that if your fiancee is TRULY your soulmate. The two of you will be able to overcome this. However, simply focusing on the (age) factor - I don't think he is mature enough to handle your telling the truth about your brief fling with his friend. And that's truly all it was. So I feel that you should forgive yourself of your own short comings (believe me, we all have shortcomings) - and move forward and throw all of the energy you are using to feel guilty with - and recycle that energy and use it to concentrate on and work even harder at showing your fiancee how much you love him.

Here is a Tip for you:

Have you ever heard of "Expressing your feelings - thru Lovemaking"...

Here is what you do - The next time those old feelings of guilt and hurt start creeping up on you, instead of crying yourself to sleep - turn to your fiancee instead, (and even if he is asleep, he won't be for long,) Focus on him during his angelic state of slumber, and take this time to deeply reflect on what he means to you, and how much you love him - then tell him. Cuddle up next to him and whisper in his ear "I Love You So Much " and while doing this, reflect on the reasons why you love him, why he means so much to you and why you could not stand to be without him. Then.... ( show him. ) And I guarantee, you will both awaken feeling happy and in love, and you my dear, will feel much better.

Good Luck!!!