His div, work, me freaking out
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| Sat, 05-15-2010 - 11:25am |
I am feeling so stressed and scared and have to get it on paper(-ish) and maybe my thoughts will sort out and maybe you'll have some advice.
Original plan about 2 months of him at home (it's been 4 weeks now), both for them having an amicable separation and hoping that the rumors of us at work (we love job and pay/benefits are spectacular - we could both look at a 30-40% decrease by changing jobs) would not only not escalate, but hopefully die down. The hope is that he'd be separated/divorced about a year or so and then we could come out as dating.
So last week we are approached again by sr vp who says rumors continue and to cut it out. We deny, but its clear she doesn't believe it. MM and I start freaking out about what this means, and he starts talking about a 4-6 month window before he moves out. I ask whether I'm worth it (a divorce and possibly one or both of us losing our jobs). He says yes but we're both still freaking and he's not reassuring.
A couple days later we're getting more calm and have basically said this:
- he is going to continue to work on conversations with W to move her along (what we're really waiting on for his move out is her coming to the realization that they're over and wanting out too) because she's not quite there yet;
- we could be looking at 4-6 months before he even moves out;
- we could be looking at a year from then before able to tell our friends, etc that we're dating;
- very real possibility friends won't be there for us after 4 (at that point) years of denying we're together;
- very real possibility that one or both of us will have to find new (lower paying, less benefits, less fun) jobs;
- very real possibility that life will be harder with less pay, etc.
One thing I have hanging over me is that we want at least one more kid... and the longer we wait... well, I'm older and that could be a problem.
He's obviously stressed b/c he's dealing with the divorce, living with someone he doesn't want to live with while trying to basically help her come to the realization that their marriage is over... add on that job stress and potential for losing friends. But he's still talking like this just changes our timing, not our plan. I'm trying very hard to be supportive and except for the one night when we were both freaking out, I'm being patient and supportive.
I'm still on board... I love him and want to spend my life with him and what's another two months or a new job to have the love of my life? But I'm scared about the risks of a) him not leaving (he's not gone until the papers are signed, you know, and that could be a year at this point), b) it not working and I've put my life on hold for a year or more and that baby dream, even with someone else is getting crushed, c) having to leave the job and friends and letting them down.
Am I overreacting to the job part? Am I not seeing the signs that this is not going to work?

Hmm..I have a few questions.
Thank you! I'm walking out the door so I'm going to reread the details of your post again in a bit but wanted to answer three quick things:
- she does not know about me and he wants amicable for their son.
- dating would be ok if not an A.
- purpose of extending - in his eyes - is to increase chances that W and work will be okay with us down the road... but wow, you make some good points.
Thanks!
That is important info.
I agree with a lot Janejosie says. Some people will never come to any realizations that their marriage is over until they are living in separate places. Stalling the leaving just drags it out and gives her hope that its not over. I have a friend married almost 30 years whose husband left her for another woman. He didn't file for a D for about 3 years after separation, and she kept thinking he would come back to her - and they WERE living in separate places. She kept thinking - well, he hasn't filed yet, it must mean something. Your APs wife is probably thinking - well, he hasn't left yet, it must mean something. Staying longer just isn't the way to get someone to realize the marriage is over.
But I also realize he has to do it the way he sees fit.
All those possibilities that you listed are certainly valid concerns - we can't sugar coat it and say they could never happen. You could lose your job and your friends AND not end up with the love of your life, if he flakes out or it doesn't work out, even after all you've both been through to get there. Or those things might NOT happen and you might end up together, fine!
You're not over-reacting to the job part. It would be a huge loss for you. Would it definitely be YOU that would lose the job, or him, or both of you?
I wouldn't say that you're not seeing the signs that this won't work, because no one can say it won't. You are seeing the possibilities of both good and bad outcomes, so I think you're being realistic there.
I feel for you! This is a tough place for you to be.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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Thanks... I kind of ran the idea by him today... saying I wasn't pressuring him to change the plan but did want him to consider the real possibility that b/c of the rumors no one will ever believe we WEREN'T together before the D, but I'm willing to give it some time to see if W comes around on her own soon and work settles down.
I just don't know how much time before I feel like I'm being strung along.
Although, I can't help but think "what's another month if I'm getting him forever?" How long would you wait to be with your soul mate if you knew you would get to be with him for the rest of your life?
Edited 5/16/2010 8:52 pm ET by konline2005
Aww, yeah that would be a hard decision to make.