his last day
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| Fri, 06-12-2009 - 7:16am |
today is AP's last day at work. he leaves for iraq is about 2 wks. i am having a VERY hard time (and he knows this) pretending to miss him only as much as everyone else. but we had yesterday afternoon together (mostly we only get an hour or so). he promised me last week and was able to keep that promise...that was a huge thing for him. he is pulled in so many directions right now...carving out even an hour for me is like making a huge commitment.
all i know for now is i am so incredibly sad. i'll miss him so very much. we are friends first. i am worried about his safety...physical, mental and emotional. he told me yesterday that i would be fine and he would be fine. i believe that. it's just hard to deal with. and i have NO ONE to tell my pain to. after my husband leaves for work and i am in the shower and getting ready for work, i just cry....
he will keep in touch, this i know...but he is a man of few words...and i am a talker. so it will be so hard for me not to hear from him.
i'm gonna sit here and finish my coffee and have a little pity party and pray for him (i tell him my life is such a walking contradiction...i have a love for God in my heart that has always been incredible...but am i breaking God's heart by living like this? something only I can deal with, i guess) but pray for him i do and his family...i hope i can get all the tears out before work...i have to pretend to be just his friend in front of all them. i said my goodbyes yesterday....
-his-

this must be very hard for you.
One thing you said that struck me. "i have a love for God in my heart that has always been incredible...but am i breaking God's heart by living like this?"
How can this be, this love for God and living such an ungodly life. I'm not judging you, I understand it completely. I'm in the same boat. My Om has joined my family for church. We pray for each other all the time. We pray together before we have a meal together. Yet, this is an affair, so it's very ungodly. I want out of my miserable marriage, which is also ungodly. I'm so torn over the same issue that you are.
Stay strong, you can do this! I do hope that you were able to pull yourself together for work this morning
he will be deployed for 13 months...
-his-
i do love my God...and i am also human. My God knows this. And i have incredible things to deal with, that i have been dealing with from day one. I know that i have free will and could have chosen differently than i have regarding AP. i have told him that this will never happen again (with anyone else, i mean)...but i also "thought" that i could never do something like this...so what is the reality? I love this man. I love my husband. Do I love them the same? no. I do not want to hurt my husband. I do not want to hurt his wife. I will probably lie to the end to keep that from happening. I also realize, that in some ways i have probably already hurt my husband. And, it is my belief, that when my life on Earth is over I will have to account for what I've done... to myself, to DH and also to AP, because i feel a responsibility to him and what he has done WITH me. This is also no judgment passed on anyone else, believe that. I pray that the God that i love and that i know loves me, knows that i loved these people. i am having to figure this out...and i may be justifying some of my actions in the process. I know my heart...that is all i do know.
and right now, my heart is breaking. it wouldn't matter if we had taken it to this level or just remained friends...i would still be so very sad...both for myself and him and his wife and girls. this will be a long 13 months for everyone.
-his-
I am sorry to hear that....will he be able to contact you? My thoughts and prayers are with you and him.
I'm sorry for your pain. I know that even if you ever were only just friends, you'd be hurting yourself and for his family. Deployment is hard.
I'm also so glad to have found you, having the exact same struggle I'm having. I love my God, and I want to live my life to please Him. But I'm not in love with my h. I have compassion and sympathy for my h, I care about him as a human but I'm not in love with him. I am, however, in love with my om. I stand in judgement only of myself. How could I have stood there before God and everyone and vow to not feel this way, vow to love even when I don't love or feel loved. I stood there and promised for better or worse until death, and I can't keep those vows. I'm breaking promises to h and to God (and it doesn't matter that h also broke his vows, I'm only concerned with my own behavior) I'm sure I'm breaking the heart of God with my behavior. But, I also know that I have freewill, and that one day, I will stand before God and be judged. but I'm also sure God never intended for me to live a miserable existence, not feeling loved, for my life on earth. I've prayed and prayed about my om, from the very first time I realized I could fall for him. I begged God to show me why this man was brought into my life, show me why we have to all hurt like this, to take this man out of my life completely. the only answer I ever got was "wait and see" so now, here I am, divorce has been filed, om and I are making plans for our future, and I'm considering taking vows again. How can I stand there and promise my om anything now, after who I've shown myself to be? I judge myself much more harshly than I can ever judge anyone else. This God vs OM is such a painful struggle.
we will have email...we may possibly be able to use instant messaging and there is even video chatting and stuff...but that would be long shot. he will be able to do that with his family, but the timing would have to be perfect for the two of us to do that. it would not be good to get caught doing that. not hearing his voice for 13 months is difficult, but i know that he will be dealing with much more difficult things.
-his-
I am so sorry! this is going to be soo difficult- not hearing his voice,not looking at his beautiful face for 13 months!! be careful about the timing,dont get carried away at any little time you get to talk,to avoid being caught.
(((( hugs )))))