His partner is mentally ill

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
His partner is mentally ill
9
Thu, 11-19-2009 - 7:16pm

And generally abusive, doesn't love him anymore.
That's the only reason I can justify this as OK in my mind.

So anyone else out there having an affair with someone whose partner is sick (mentally or physically) anyone able to offer some insight into his situation so that I can help him cope better/ be a good support?

Ps; a little background - he's in his 60s and I'm in my 20s. He's been married for over 40 years and not by any standards the type of man to have an affair. But when I fell for him I was very persuasive :)
It's definitely a love relationship rather than only a physical one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 3:56am
IMHO...having an affair on someone who is sick physically or mental is a
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 4:31am

Hi May,


I'm not familiar with your situation because my partner's W is healthy.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 4:45am

Ok- so Bocaraton72 - you're saying that if you were married for forty years to a mentally ill and abusive person, never got any support, never any thanks, never any love - you'd still be ok with the feeling that you're obliged to stick out your days with this person who drags you down and makes you feel miserable, and is stopping you from living a full and happy life?

Doesn't everyone deserve to live happily and be free?
Isn't forty years too long to feel that way?
Would you be ok with that?

I'm just trying to get you to see another pov. Interested in yours too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2009
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 4:50am

Hi Lost,

Thankyou for your advice, I'm going to take some time to consider your pov - I guess the last thing I thought about was my own long term happiness. Actually this whole thing started because I saw him so miserable and knew that with some tlc he could be a really amazing and bright person.
Most of my relationships are like that, I'm a fixer-upper. I just realised that when I read what you wrote.

I do get a lot of joy from spending time with him and seeing him happy. I don't think that even if I decide that what I'm doing is really wrong - that I can just disconnect from him and my feelings too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2009
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 8:43am

I get what your saying but why do you feel like it is your duty to

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 1:32pm

Pointing out the obvious first: by your log in name I will gather you are 22 years young... he is atleast 60. He could be your grandpa... ick. He has 40 more years of experience in life than you and should know better than to prey on a young woman who could be the age of a granddaughter to him.


You might

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 1:46pm

um....I would never in a million years be married to someone for forty years if they were abusive or mentally ill.


I will bet he

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 8:24pm

60 years old...having an affair...eew...why did you even pursue him, is there not enough hot-looking, muscular young guys who'd give you the world? Old people copulating, saggy skin, bad breath...come on, girl! Why do you care about his partner, he probably can't believe his own luck that 20 years old woman would even look in his direction!

Or is it another weekend troll?

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 11-22-2009 - 12:24pm

I do believe it is not for others to judge. Sometimes people stay together for different reasons. Maybe the marriage is over but maybe he does not get a divorce so that she would not be without medical coverage. In this case it is better to have an affair than just dump her. Perhaps she does not care.

Having said that, are you sure he is not lying to you? I was in a similar situation, felt bad for him and felt for him, and after a year I discovered that HE was the one with mental illness!

Just be careful and take care of yourself.