His possible divorce or a new man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
His possible divorce or a new man?
5
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 12:25pm
Hallo Ladies!

I am back! Perhaps some of you may remember my case, but anyway I will explain it all over again.

I am a SW (27 years) and I had and affair for a year and a half with a MM (56). He was my teacher later we became colleges. We live in a small town, therefore we should protected a lot in order to keep the gossip away. At the beginning it was just marvelous. But the imposed secrecy and the complexity of feelings made this situation almost unbearable to me. So I gave him a deadline. He argued that his situation was so very difficult –I believed it- and that I was putting so much pressure on him. We broke up. That was July 2003.

As we work together, we have still contact and sometimes we broke the rules. But I can still feel the pain that is to be his Second Best, although he denies it.

I feel that I had the right to have a man of my on 24/7.

Two months after the brake up, another man returned into my life: he is a charming SM of my age. We met tree years ago and we had some kind of crush, but it was interrupted because he leaved the country. He is still living abroad, but we have been in contact by e-mail and we had even planned a trip together by the end of this year. I am almost sure that the issue with him is temporary because he had left a long troubled relationship and he is still too afraid of being “imprisoned”.

But lately, the MM has been deeply depressed about the things getting rough at home. And I can't help feeling so guilty about it. I do not know if he is going to leave his wife or not. But I can’t stand seeing him so sad. We still have deep feelings for each other. But I do not want to be hiding myself again, it is way too stressful to me.

I really do not know what should I do.

Should I stand with him?

Should I tell him that I am in another issue(although is not a long term one)?

I really need some help.

Thanx a lot for your support in the tough times…

Hannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 10:48pm
Wow, 56? That's a huge age difference...hmm...what am I to say anything (I'm with a 43yr old). He probably has several kids too huh? Would you want him if he got divorced? Do you see yourself with him long term or married to him? I guess the younger guy would be better if he moved back to where you are. Depends on your feelings and what your hearts says. The older MM seems like a bad deal, you're only 27 and single. Again, I should talk. Why is it so easy to give advice to people but never follow your own advice? Anyways, good luck and hopefully you'll figure it out. Write out the pros and cons list for these two men.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 11:08pm
Please leave this man, you can not have a real life with him. When you have a kid with him in 30 years he will be in the nursing home. Do you really want an almost 90 year old husban when you are 57? I do not think so. This relationship started out with out any morals or class so what do you expect do you really think he wants to start over with you?Men lie to keep the sex going. Maybe but if he will cheat on his wife he may cheat on you too. I have no respect for people who think it is ok to have these type of realtionships.

This man is taken. Do you know how long it will take this man to get a divorce? His wife will take him to the cleaners and she can because he is a lying cheating bastard. He may also have to pay for his kids college if he has them. I would drop this man. She can take half of his money then there will be nothing left to take care of you and your future kids.You need to love yourself more and date men who are not married. You must have really low self esteem to want to date an man like this anyway. This relationship is nothing but trouble. Give this new guy a chance, he does not have so many problems as your bastard MM. YOU ARE FALLING FOR THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK, THEY NEVER LEAVE THEIR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE DIVORCE PAPERS THEN THINK ABOUT DATING HIM THEN.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 1:11am
Yikes, that may be the truth (fleabee80) but rather harsh. Whew, these things are so difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 8:17pm
Hi all!

I want to thank you ikel777 and fleabee80 for your opinions.

It was a great help for opening my eyes!!

Because when you are in the middle of the storm is very difficult to see things clearly…

I will follow your advice: I will give a chance to the new opportunity (SM), I mean we are going to see us in a week! And we will travel together for almost a month!! I will give me a chance.

With the MM, I think I will see if he really is going to divorce ... It is very difficult for me to abandon him because he is kinda my soul-mate.

Meanwhile I’ll seriously consider my own situation regardless of heartaches, brake-ups and lovers…

Thanx a lot

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 9:13pm
I know you want to get your point across but that is rather harsh..

 Seeburg