His W is looking bad -- made me think
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His W is looking bad -- made me think
| Wed, 10-29-2008 - 9:21pm |
I saw AP's W at an event yesterday, and we talked for a few minutes. (We're acquaintances, not friends). AP was not there.
His W has always been attractive. She's about 12 years older than I am, much thinner --

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this :(
I kind of know what you mean. The first and most meaningful A I ever had was when I was the single OW. I still think of that guy when I hear the song "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas, and if you would have asked me at the time I would have told you I loved him. If you asked me now I don't know what I'd say. Now that I can look back and see that the situation ultimately had a palatable outcome, I do not regret engaging in that A. But at the time, his W was losing her father to a painful, drawn out battle with cancer, and I know it was tremendous source of guilt for him sometimes that he was spending time with me while she was going through one of the hardest times in her life. I think he started seeing me because of how little time they were actually spending together (read; his needs weren't being met at the time), but when either of us stopped to consider that she wasn't spending a lot of time with him because she was at the hospital at the bedside of her dying father, both of us felt guilty. Even feeling like I loved him, I felt very guilty for my part in the A when I thought of what his W was going through. Can you imagine how devastating it would be to lose your father AND find out that your H is cheating on you?
I don't really have any advice, because what happened in that situation was that AP finally ended things once and for all because of his guilt. We worked together and surprisingly, we were able to be platonic friends after he ended the A, and through mutual friends I know that he and his W are doing fine these days (they have a few kids now). I guess I just wanted to validate your feelings, and let you know that I know what you're going through and how hard it is.
Thanks Miss B,
I know our actions would make others judge us as unfeeling, but it's just not true.
AP's W lost a relative to cancer this past year as well, and AP and I tried to take a break while it was going on, but he really need a friend to lean on while she was leaning on him. And that's really what I was to him during that time.
I've never reconciled the "real" me with the me who is having an A. But, even so, I can't shake my feelings for AP just yet. It's such a mess.
I am touched by your empathy for his W. So often it's easy to bash the W or to find blame and reason for the A, ultimately in hopes of it all being her fault. But the reality is that the majority of us have our part in screwing up a marriage. First, for going outside, second for every other thing that we could have done instead of being involved in an A.
I struggle with the thoughts of my AP's wife quite often. I realize that she doesn't give him sex. I understand that she has always battled depression. I understand how you can get caught up in life and lose sight of why you fell in love or married in the first place. The must have been SOMETHING that caused that spark.
The part that I struggle with is that I can relate to AP's wife on many levels being in this A with him for so long. I understand why she is jealous and possessive of his time. I understand why she has accused him of cheating. He is a huge flirt. I like that when it's being directed at me and when a he flirts a LITTLE bit with other women but no, he is a HUGE flirt and he doesn't realize it.
I relate to her in that he keeps things bottled up sometimes and refuses to talk. He plays the victim. I don't think this is intentional, I think it's a result of how he was raised and what he experienced as a child. So I understand how she could become not so nice with him.
I think you painted a very nice picture of your AP's W. I think we all need to look at things from her perspective at times to ground us a bit and remind us of what we are doing. Not that we don't know but sometimes a figurative slap in the face does not hurt either.
This was a great, thought provoking post. We need more of these.
J
While we are going down this path...
I've read some posters here say 'don't judge me until you have walked in my moccasins'...yet, it can certainly be applied to the wives of their APs.
Thank you for such an eloquent and true post.
Thanks for all your replies. I was worried about how my post would go over. I'm happy to know there are others who see the flip side. I know we all have struggles with our situations, our "selves" and add to that, outside worries...
Nice to know we have a voice here.
I relate to her in that he keeps things bottled up sometimes and refuses to talk. He plays the victim. I don't think this is intentional, I think it's a result of how he was raised and what he experienced as a child.>>
You've got a big heart circe.
Wow you really put things in perspective. I am in awe of your maturity, and empathy. I have often felt guilt too, but I always try to stuff that down, because it doesn't suit my own purposes.
I am not sure if your familiar w/ my story, but my Ap is leaving his W for a second time for me. About two weeks ago our son had surgery on his eyes, and when his father showed up, she was w/ him. My first reaction was "What the hell is SHE doing here?" Even thinking that she came just to keep AP and I separate from each other. When in fact she has a real love for a child that was conceived during an A that her H had while they were still together.
To me it took a lot of courage for her to come there. She was able to put aside the fact that I have stolen her H....again, and think about the welfare of MY son. That's class. I am afraid that she has more class than I will ever have.
Someone posted a link on here to a clip of the Oprah show, and it was about the betrayed spouse, and the OW. I had never really taken her feelings in to consideration, but after I saw that show, I wept. I mean I really wept. It was like all the guilt that I never felt hit me at one time, and It broke me. I have a completely different view of her after that show, after my son's surgery, and now after your post. You have helped me grow with the eloquent words that you used. Thank you for that, because I have so much growing to do that I relish any chance to do so.
I know this is long sorry, but you know you can't take the burdens of her life onto yourself. Most of us are where we are in our lives, because this is were we chose to be. If she chooses to stay w/ a difficult man, than that is her cross to bare, not yours. Just ALWAYS be ever so careful, and not take chances on getting caught. But I didn't have to tell you that, because you already know. Thank you again for a beautiful post.