Hi...sort of new

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
Hi...sort of new
4
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 9:18am
I am married with kids. Recently ended a PA that lasted 1.5 years. We still chat daily so the EA continues. My xAP as I will refer to him lives 5 hours away. We saw each other 3 times for 2 days each. He was my first love. My H and I have been married 14 years but together 20. When xAP and I first got together it was awesome...head over heels...we love each other and never stopped after 24 years apart. However the fact that we very well might never see each other again has killed it for me. So in December I went on AM lookin for love. Hahaha ...yes...go ahead and laugh. Anyway...I could write a book about all the strange men I have had coffee , drinks. And or dinner with.

I did find a match. Instant chemistry and after about a month we slept together. Then he had some "life" happen and needed to pull back. At the worst time for me because that is my most vunerable time. I couldn't deal and graciously bowed out. Left the door open... Told him to contact me when things calmed down and if I was free I would consider seeing him again. That was it. 8 weeks or so pass and he texts me. Apologizes... We chat via text for a week or so and meet up for a drink. Fireworks ...heart racing...awesomeness. We just made out a bit and reconnected via text for the next week. Meet up for lunch... Things got heated...almost had sex. Then boom ...more "life" happens for him. The "life happens" stuff I am referring to are actual events that I saw proof of ..he was in tears. Stressful times for him. Anyway...I held on for a couple more weeks but his mood was in the crapper and he tested me like a punching bag a bit. Nothing overt he just wasn't very nice...and he wouldn't actually talk to me on the phone. He only wanted to text and refused to call me. Wasn't making an effort to see me.

There was just no benefit for me at all. Even the last meeting I was left sexually unsatisfied (he was). What the hell was I getting out of this? Except there is some deep connection .... I really feel for him. I couldn't take it anymore and once again by my hand we have parted ways. At first I felt some relief ...not waiting around l day for a nugget of affection from him. But now as the weeks pass I really miss him. I dream about him at night etc. i am involved with someone new now that I do like and I am attracted to but my pining away for this man won't let me fully dive in.

I am not just looking for a PA so I am in no hurry to sleep around. I need the emotional component as well and I think I have found the man for that but I can't stop thinking that I would drop mr. Right for mr. Emotionally unavailable if he darkens my door once again. Help !
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 6:59am
I will admit I wanted a love affair...yes. However knowing it will go no where I will take lust but I want to feel wanted and desired and have some attention. That is part of what is missing for me. So you think the xAP that had "life" happen...that. Would refuse to have an actual phone conversation ...That didn't make an effort to see me...didn't feel the need to say nice things etc... I was too hard on him??? Thanks for your input Jane : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 11:50am
Lostmybabe wrote:
I will admit I wanted a love affair...yes. However knowing it will go no where I will take lust but I want to feel wanted and desired and have some attention. That is part of what is missing for me. So you think the xAP that had "life" happen...that. Would refuse to have an actual phone conversation ...That didn't make an effort to see me...didn't feel the need to say nice things etc... I was too hard on him??? Thanks for your input Jane : )

It's difficult to tell about your guy, as it sounds like he's more like a girl than a guy, but normally us guys take women for granted when you're too easy on us, not because you were too hard. Of course being too hard could result in the same thing.. you just have to learn how to not stop being a challenge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2012
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 1:04pm
Drama queen ! You are right. I am the only one who is allowed to be in the diva/princess on occasion. He certainly doesn't seem to be the real man...take what you want type that I am looking for. So perplexing on why I still want him? How does a woman make herself s challenge? Confider this Jedi training.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 3:41pm

You probably still want him, against all better judgement, because all people tend to want what they can't have. He's not emotioanlly available to you, and its a challege for you to make this happen, and succeed. I am a perfectionist and I struggle with not succeeding too. Drives me insane. 

But it pretty much goes the same with anyone, men and women. If their love interest is around, but not 100% attainable, it's a challenge. I'm sure you know how to continue making yourself a challenge, it just takes some self restraint. LOL. 

Don't give him everything, don't give more than he's willing to give you, don't lay all your cards on the table early on, don't sleep with him too soon, don't tell him every single event thats happening in the coming up week for you, don't take disrespectful crap, show him that you dont rely on him to be emotionally stable (because you are a big girl and can handle that yourself). No smothering him: be ok with giving him space, be okay with not knowing what he is up to constantly or what he did every weekend. Let him tell you, and show genuine interest when he does. You really just have to be happy with your own life, and be fun to be around when he's with you, but show that you don't NEED him. OH, and really, actually, have your own life! This is an affair, and if its not adding positives to both of your lives, why would either of you want it?  

and i think if some guy is really wishy-washy, and can take you or leave you...why chase after him? Better to put the effort into someone who is truly interested. 

Lostmybabe, I think you already know all this and you know what you want. You've already thrown multiple guys to the curb since you weren't willing to settle for less. Stay strong, you'll find it! but like JJ said, its just an A, and there is only so far it can go...