History makes me wonder

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
History makes me wonder
4
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:59am

Morning all,


It's been a long holiday weekend and I'm super confused at my own feelings this morning.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 9:56am

In these situations, confusion almost always abounds. So, you're perfectly normal there. It's hard to end even very bad relationships, let alone a decent (don't know what your M was like...) one with a shared history, kids, etc. Even though we may not feel "in love" that person is still very much a part of us.


Being in 2 relationships definitely muddies the water, even if we believe 100% we want that 2nd one. Maybe you could see a counselor for a few sessions to try and untangle it all.


Most therapists recommend shutting down the "extra" R and really focusing on the first one in trying to determine if you want/need to salvage it. Not easy to do, of course, and they'd tell you to give that whole process at least 3-6 months...having tried this myself, I'd say the 6 months is more what it will take. You will have to allow some initial time to grieve the end of the A before you can even begin to address the M. Trust me when I say just that grieving could take several months. It's just impossible to make rational decisions w/ both relationships going.


AP's communication: Don't recall how long you've been in the A...when mine pulls back some, I let him go :) When I try to fight it...he backs up that much more :) Sometimes they just need to go in their "cave"...they don't process things like we do. And you've said you know you're feeling needy/clingy...even if you think he hasn't picked up on that...he probably has and your sense of his pulling away is probably enlarging those feelings.


One good "exercise" to do: Make a decision one way or the other about M or AP...and "own it" for a day :) Pretend whatever that decision is is what you're going to do and think all day about how you'll move forward. That will cause you to come up with all sorts of things you haven't thought of. If need be, write it all down so you can do a side-by-side comparison :)


IDK...just food for thought :) Maybe just step back and take a breather.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 6:56pm
I agree with a lot of what the other person mentioned....and to add to it, remember that if you decide to end the A, that your brain will make you want that person more. Just know that this is part of the way we are wired in that we want what we can not have.
Also if someone is pulling away or not giving you the attention you require and desire than you need to pull back some as well. Unfortunately, the more you chase, the more they run. So find a hobby or something to occupy your time.
If you feel like your M is worth fighting for than you need to let go 100% of the A, to give your M a chance.
Make a list of the pro and cons of your mate so you can see if its love or just insecurities. One last option is to take a 3 month break from both and have very limited communication and see how you feel. You need to realize what is best for you and you don't want to be with someone if they can't give you want you want. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 2:32am
Well, from what I remember from your other posts, you do have so much going on in your life---so many changes to think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:52am

Thanks to all of you for your support and advice - Like I said in my post there is a teensy part of me that has thought about staying with H, however, after much reflection and meditation on it in the last few days I realize it may be just feelings of habit - more than desire to be -- if that makes any sense at all. H and I have talked at length about how to proceed - and we opted to take a couple more months before filing.

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