Find a Conversation
|Wed, 08-22-2012 - 6:27pm|
Was having a terrible, rotten no good day right out of the gate this morning. Texted cowboy that he had his work cut out for him if he was going to make me smile today. After a big fight with H last night about how much I suck as a human being, I was feeling complete opposite of sexy and confident. He told me that he didn't want "his girl" to be sad and immediately rearranged his schedule and came over to have lunch with me. When he jumped out of his truck, he gave me a big hug and kiss. Totally unlike him since we were in the middle of a parking lot where 90% of the customers probably know us. So hmm I'm "his girl" and he's gone from being afraid of someone jumping out from behind a tree and catching us to PDA at noon in one of the busiest parking lots in town. Then we were talking about our weekend trail ride and he commented that his horse must have fallen in love too because she didn't want to leave my horse. I didn't call him out on it but I know he wasn't talking about MY horse falling in love with his because my horse hates anything with 4 legs and tried to bite her every chance he had.
By the end of lunch I'm feeling back to my old self again. We had a long talk about his situation and then sat in my truck talking for a long time about my situation. He reached over, took my hand and said that he wished there was a way of getting the spouses out of the picture. That's when the rodeo clown in me kicked in and I made a crack about how it would be easy for me. H would have the papers in my hand before I finished my sentence. But I'm thinking "holy crap". Then he starts telling me about how he thinks about me all of the time (and I him). He told me yesterday that he cared about me a lot in response to me teasing him about how he texts me so much for a guy that says he hates texting.
The rational side of me is saying, "What the hell would you do with love in this twisted situation?" but the rest of me is teetering on the edge, ready to fall head first into it with my eyes closed and a big smile on my face. I have known him for a long time and have had feelings for him for a while. Rational says it's too soon to feel that way but the rest of me is pointing out that fact to Rational and saying, "yeah, what about THAT?" There are a lot of arguments in my head now. I've read countless posts on here like mine and countless replies about how it's not real. There are no normal stressors that relationships have like bills, work etc. That feeds Rational
I'm too far gone to step back now. I can't even entertain that thought. But what do I need to be careful of going forward? What the hell do I do with an "I love you" when I'm not even sure I believe in love? What I'm feeling is nothing like I've felt before. It's overwhelming and scary but in such a good way. Time flies and stops all at the same time. He takes my breath away and I can't think when I'm near him. Rational girl completely shuts down. That's when I just want to close my eyes and let life take me where it wants.