Holy Crap....I can't believe I'm back...

Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Holy Crap....I can't believe I'm back...
9
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 8:43am
When I first found this board, some 3+ years ago, I was in the midst of a full blown A. Both W and H knew, along with the entire office (yup, we work together). I was devasted at times and at times happier than I had been in my life. Since then, MM and I both divorced and he moved in w/me. We've been on and off ever since. Who would have thought that it would be so damn hard. It's just a relationship right? People have them all time! As it stands now, he's living on his own, closer to his kids. I asked him to leave (ever think you will??? It's crazy). I couldn't take the being a part time mother to his kids and not a lover to him. Make a long story short, I told him that until the day that he can give me his whole heart, put into the relationship what he gets out of it, make time for "us" to be alone together, to enjoy each other, I didn't want to see him. OMG, can you imagine??? Anyway, here's the question....If I date during this separation, am I cheating?? I mean, I love him but I will not wait forever. It's been over 3 years, if he doesn't know now that he loves me enough to give, then maybe he simply doesn't. Who knows? So here I am, back...........

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 9:48am
You are absolutely not cheating. Just let him know what your intentions are about seeing other people, you are entitled. If you want a future with someone, pursue it and if he can't commit, you will have to move on, if you meet someone else who can fill the bill. Let him know you fully intend to do this if you are given the opportunity and he will have to decide. Even if he doesn't decide, he will have made a decision by default.
Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 9:55am
I have a "date" tomorrow afternoon, not sure if I really want to go. I mean I do, I think, but I am afraid I will feel awful about it. I don't want to get involved with anyone right now, and I don't want to end up hurting anyone either. I've told him that I have not been dating, as he thought I was, but if the opportunity arose and I wanted to go, I would. Now the opportunity has presented itself and I think I want to go, but I feel like I am betraying him. Someone set me straight please????

Thanks for listening

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 10:03am
C:

I agree with iglh. If you tell him your intentions, how can that be cheating? It is up to him to decide what is really in his heart regarding your relationship. I am so sorry that things didn't work out for you both. On some level I can see how that could happen. I know that I only see the wonderful side of MM. We work together so every once in a while I see a hint of some less desirable traits and I say to myself..humm ...could I deal with this 24/7? Could also just be me talking myself out of something I know I can never have.

I say, be honest with him about the date and go and have fun. It doesn't have to end with sex. That way the bond with MM would still be intact until he decides what he wants. It may just be the push he needs.

Good luck

RH

Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 10:10am
You think I should tell him about it? Before I go or after? I'm scared to death to tell him. I've already told him that if the opportunity presented itself and I wanted to go I would, but you think I should tell him about this specifically? OMG, my heart is pounding so hard....I'm so damn sad...I wish I never had an A with him....

Luv and hugs....I am trying...

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 10:21am
Tell him before. Be up front. What are you afraid of? You are being honest. Before I married my H, I told him I was going on a blind date because he couldn't commit and he didn't want me to go. So I didn't. He still wouldn't commit, but it was a turning point, he knew I was serious and of course, eventually he did. That is all moot now.
Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 10:28am
This is supposed to be NC outside of business. What do I do, call him and tell him that I am going on a date? Are you sure?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 12:33pm
Then call him at work or e-mail at work if you can. You have to be comfortable with it. I would tell him before going. If you feel more comfortable telling him afterward, do it that way. But your original question was would you be cheating? Not if you tell him what you are doing, if not before, then soon afterward. If I were him, I would feel betrayed if you didn't say anything and he found out from someone else. Then he could come back and say why didn't you say anything? As if you were trying to hide something. Tell him, one way or the other.
Avatar for carlym2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 12:38pm
What can I say, the people on here may have changed, but the support and love has only grown. Thank you all for caring enough to listen and provide some good advice...

Love to you and yours.....

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 08-16-2003 - 1:27pm
I have to agree with IGLH again. I would let him know. I know this sounds strange coming from someone involved in an EMA, but honesty really is the best policy. That way you can go guilt free and enjoy yourself. I don't know what level of attraction you have for the date, but the date can just be casual, right?

I would tell him that I was going out with a male friend on a casual date and then I would go and have fun. I don't know your MM, but seems to me he should be able to deal with it especially since you told him that it was a possibility. But like IGLH said, its your choice in the end.

Hugs and let us know how it goes.

RH