Hopeful again about D actually happening

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Hopeful again about D actually happening
4
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:26am
Talked to the H last night - emotional as usual. Eyes swollen from tears...his too. I basically had to keep saying it over and over before he finally understood that this is the end. Once we got to that point, he expressed again that he thought we were rushing...and that he didn't agree with it or want it. But, I had to do what I had to do, and he would deal with it.

He did make a comment about "if I were smart, I'd take you for everything...adultry...abandonment...etc". That scared me...But, then he calmed down. He realizes that I would never do that to him. He is more upset because his 'life' and 'dreams' (children) are being ripped away. He says he will never love another, and never want to have children with another woman other than me. That makes me feel guilty, but honestly, I think he will be able to find love if he will just open up his heart to it later. Once the pain has subsided, I hope he will be ok. I don't want the rest of his life to be miserable because of what I need to do for myself, you know?

He did ask me again about how intimate I had gotten with the OM. I dodged the question - told him I had already answered that for him, and we had gotten past that and it didn't need to be brought up again. I told him that I wasn't going to answer that question again. Deny deny deny right? Well, he assumed and said that 'yes you did do more with him', and then he believed me again when I told him that nothing happened. I think he is just torn - looking for a reason as to why I would want to leave other than the real reason - his actions over the course of our relationship.

Anyway, I am filing next week. Earlier than I had planned. I think he is at the point now that he understands it, and I don't want him to get his hopes up again and have to go through this explanation process again. I'll keep yall all updated. Thanks for your prayers...FMH6

PS-Got a letter from my OM in the mail today (old fashioned writing!) God, I needed that... :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:55am
FHM

I'm glad you posted your update. I was wondering about you.

It sounds like your H is slowly coming around. I completely understand your comments about not wanting the rest of his life to be miserable; that's pretty much exactly how I feel about the W. I'd give anything to leave her with some sense that she will be okay and life can still turn out very good. In fact, I'm giving almost everything to her for that reason: I want her to start from the most secure position posible. At the same time, if I'm leaving with almost nothing, I think it leaves less doubt about why I'm doing this: because of her and I and how our R really is, not because I just want my stuff and not her or anything else.

Nice job on the "deny, deny, deny." You're right, knowing you were intimate with someone else won't help him do anything except shift responsibility. That's why my W doesn't know anything about the OW. I didn't have an A because of the OW, I had it because of my W and how she and I have shaped our lives into an unsatisfying mess.

Good luck. Keep us informed; we'll be cheering for you and thinking of you.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 11:21am
FMH, thank you for the update.

~Flirty~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 2:15pm
Thanks Rain and Flirty - its nice to know that yall were thinking of me. Rain, again your post was eloquent and heartfelt. It makes this easier when I read someones posts who are simliar to mine and who feel the same as I do. I'm not out to be the bad one here - and I hope he will realize that at some point.

I'll let yall all know how it goes next week. Thanks again for the prayers and thoughts. I hope all is well in your lives also :-) I'm so glad I found this board and all of my new friends :-)

FMH6

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 11:11pm


Just a thought, here.

Rain, you commented that knowing that your spouse was actually involved in an affair doesn't help the healing process. That's probably true, under most circumstances. However, for years I was a very, very devout Christian and it wasn't until I _knew_ my ex-husband had committed adultery that I felt released from my vows and free to move on.

I'm sure I'm not the only out there who has had those beliefs. Every situation is unique, but I just wanted to point out that sometimes truth, although painful, actually helps the healing process. I actually was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't imagining things, and I wasn't Biblically bound to keep trying to make my marriage work. And I felt better, knowing that he wasn't lying to me any more. Frankly, it wasn't the affair that broke us up...it was the lies. I couldn't trust him and I knew it. It knocked my libido to nothing and I heard myself turning into a shrew from sheer frustration. Once I could put the real picture into place, I could deal with it. (I can't handle what I don't know.)

I'm not saying that this is the answer for all situations, but it is something to consider.

Hope everyone is doing well.


Cazrida