hopelessly in love....................

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
hopelessly in love....................
19
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 12:22pm
Hello, Iam very new to this board. I will start out by saying I have been married for 10+ yrs. My husband and I have had our problems but have stayed together through it all. Over the past four of so years, I have felt an attraction to one of my brother in laws who is married to my husband's sister. We will call him "Timmy". Timmy and I have always joked around with each other. Called each other on our cell phones for no apparent reason but a stupid made up one. Even brushed by each other or touched the shoulders of one another at family gatherings. He is always running his hands through my hair to say how long it is or if I walk by him, he will out of no where pull it and then turn around smilling. Once, oh my god, he even stroked my hair during a long car ride back from Foxwoods with his wife sitting right besides him! What was that all about? I never asked, he never told. Iam so confused and upset with myself for letting this infatuaion grow and blossom at least on my part into a full fledged emotional affair. I think about him all of the time. I long to be near him and when Iam near him, I turn a bright shade of red. I think he feels the same way too but even if he does, it cannot be. I would not disrespect my husband or his wife by crossing the line. He has even called me beautiful on a couple of occasions. Why would he do all of these things? Is he feeling what Iam feeling? Or is he just very friendly? He does not run his hands through anyone else's hair in the family and believe me, he has 5 other sister in laws to do so with! :}I cannot read him. Part of me wants to ask him why he does some of the things he does. I get very mixed signals from him. Part of me wants to forget about him entirely and stop hurting myself with my delusions of a reciprocated made up relationship. Does anyone have any advice for me please? By the way, he is a State Trooper which complicates the matter more. I cannot even look at him when he is in uniform!! Red does not even describe the colors I turn! Any advice please? Thanks guys, hopeless in Massachusetts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:04am
Oh, I am SO in your shoes right now!!! I am new here, needing to talk about my situation...my H and I have a great realtionship for the most part but I am so hopelessly in love with his brother, it is killing me. I can't think about anything else. I see him and his GF several times a week, they love to hang out at our house with us and our kids. There have been many times when I felt that the attraction was mutual (accidental brushings etc) but many other times when I feel he is neutral towards me. I do think he is attracted to me physically but I doubt that he is obsessed with me. I am completely obsessed, infatuated,in love, whatever. They come over to play cards all the time and sometimes we drink. He always sits next to me and when we have both had a few drinks we always end up sitting with our knees touching under the table and neither of us moves away. That little bit of contact fuels my fantasies for days, KWIM? He also touches my hand alot, "accidentally" while passing cards etc. But other times I dont get those vibes from him. It is killing me, I crave his company like a drug. Also I love my husband and dont want to hurt him but how long can I sustain this longing without doing something really stupid about it, like confessing to his bro or making a pass or something? We used to email each other alot and it was getting flirty but he stopped, I think it was going too far and he got nervous? I just wish I knew how he felt about me. I would give anything to be able to tell him I love him without anyone else finding out but also I'm afraid to lose his friendship, we get along so good and if he doesn't feel the same I am sure he wouldnt hang out at our house anymore! My sympathies to you, it is a living hell isnt it. I too feel that I am in the depths of a full-fledged emotional affair, and I dont even know if he is in it too or if I am by myself. By the way he is the most beautiful sexiest man I have ever seen. But I love my husband and we have a good marriage, he is attractive and sexy in his own way and 100% loyal to me. My obsession w/his bro makes me feel like such an a**hole!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 3:01am
Hi, I am responding again because I just feel so much like I could have written your post myself, esp this part:

"Part of me wants to ask him why he does some of the things he does. I get very mixed signals from him. Part of me wants to forget about him entirely and stop hurting myself with my delusions of a reciprocated made up relationship."

It is very difficult for me to be having an emotional affair with my brother in law and not even knowing if it is all in my head...if I were to tell him and he revealed that he felt the same, it could potentially destroy my marriage but the thought of him not feeling the same and having it be completely one-sided it too mortifying to imagine.

If you would like someone to talk to feel free to email me at magsmith2003@hotmail.com. BTW I live in CT. Good luck, how have you lived with this for 4 yrs? I always thought my BIL was attractive but my obsession only began a little over a year ago (been married 5 yrs).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:11am
Sandi, run or your life. I cannot see how you can make this R work. It might be that you are turning to this BIL of yours because he is giving you more attention more than you H. I too like to look at a guy in unform but its defintely not love. I would suggest you work with the H on your marriage or get out of the it once for all. Pursuing the BIL is not going to go anywhere. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but its always better to be safe than sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:46am
I think you and I are in a no win situation. My brother in law is married to my hubby's sis for pete's sake and she is the nicest person! I feel like the biggest jerk while Iam talking to her knowing how I feel about her husband. You situation is tricky too because it is your hubby's bro. Don't you feel like just telling him sometimes or asking him why he does certain things? I know we probably both feel that way but know that it would destroy so many lives. I mean, my husband doesn't have a clue, although he was in the room once when my cell phone rang and it was "Timmy". He asked me if something was going on between us and got very upset. I reassured him that nothing was and that he had called to ask a question for his wife. I don't want to hurt my hubby. He doesn't deserve that but at the same time, all of my mental energy is focused on my brother in law. Now, when you said in your post that you guys had been emailing each other but it got flirty and you stopped, define flirty. Like, what was he saying to you in his emails. Did you feel HE was flirty or YOU? I think sometimes I definetly let out too many signs on my part of the flirting and then kick myself in the #%@ afterwards saying "Oh great Jenn, he knows for sure now!" How do you learn to hold your feelings in when you are around your brother in law? I know for me, we always stand too close or get into hissy fights about movie trivia or something stupid like him always questioning my vocabulary. Like once, I used the word crotchety, which means mean spirited or grumpy. He was like, "Is that even a word Jenn?" So we made a bet and he lost of course. :) Oh my god, I could go on for days about this. It's ridiculous. Like you said in your post, I have the same sentiments for my situation that he is not in love with me or obsessed like Iam but that there is an attraction on his part. Iam so happy I have found this forum to talk about this. Iam so sure there are so many of us out there that feel this way and have no one to share it with. Although, I did tell my mom and she just said the motherly thing to say. "Be careful." I will not take this any further than the confines of my own mind. I cannot. I have a huge family on my hubby's side. I have the restpect of my nieces and nephews to think about. My peers which would be my brother in laws and sister in laws. Please keep posting. I would love to hear more about your situation. I feel we are in the exact same life boat that is slowly leaking. :( There is no winning is situations such as our's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:20am
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Edited 1/4/2004 11:31:46 PM ET by thekidsandi4
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 9:59pm
Hi, i have not had a chance to be alone long enough to reply. He doesn't do anything as overt as your BIL. If my BIL touched my hair or called me beautiful I think I would faint. Do you like it when he does these things? You must be dying to ask him what he is thinking. Did you go to the NYE gathering? We went to a club w/BIL and some friends, at midnight after I kissed H I hugged BIL, then hugged some other people, then hugged BIL again and this time I stroked his hair. I wonder if he feels like you do, that I touch him too much or give off signals that confuse him. After midnight I couldn't stop touching him for one reason or another and he didn't seem to mind, but he doesn't really initiate it either. I just can't stand it, he is so f'ing beautiful. How do you overcome such feelings? By the way you can easily set up a free email account at hotmail.com, I would love to talk more about this. I could go on for hours about my infatuation and all the little glances and touches etc that have brought me to this point. It is hard to find time though, H is usu home and I have kids. Tell me more about you and your crush, do you think he knows? Do you think he feels the same? I dont think my BIL's gf knows. Yikes, she and H both went to the bathroom at the same time and I was about to say to BIL you better kiss me nows your chance...he walked away before I said it though. Maybe that's good! You sound like you would not cross the line despite your desire for him...Im not sure I can say the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:32pm
i am so glad you found a place to talk here. wow talk about being between a rock and a hard place...say nothing and wonder what if, or...ask him and risk a refection or maybe an affirmation of his feelings. i cant imagine being in your place.

we sometimes get so serious here and i think its good to give a little levity to the situation...even us OW need to smile sometimes. with that said....can i say that if it was me i would be at more risk of going after him in uniform than any other time...jsut soemthign about a man in uniform that really does it for me. hmmm...maybe its the handcuffs? LOL

laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 11:16pm
Oh my god! You hugged and kissed yours twice? I would have died! We did go over to my husband's other sister's house and he was there with his wife and kids. I couldn't even muster up enough courage to hug mine happy new year without blushing. It was so akward because my hubby came over to me at midnight while I was in the room with my children and nieces and nephews. He threw his arms out and said "Happy New Year, I love you!!" He picked me up and hugged me and told me he loved me. I did the same and then opened my eyes to see my brother in law standing right behind my hubby!! I felt like the biggest

%$#tch! I don't really understand why he was standing directly behind us but then I saw him look over at us, walk out of the room and go into the room where his wife was to hug her. Then , one of my other brother in laws hugged and kissed me, so did another one. So, okay now, after everyone in the whole entire household had wished each other happy new year with hugs and kisses, him and I were standing next to each other in the kitchen and he just stuck out his arms and I hugged him. I could have died right there! :) He gave me the most driest, stiffest, militarish hug I have ever received. He is not much of an emotional guy, but for petes sake, at least be alittle warmer! Oh my god, you were actually going to tell your's to kiss you? And you kept touching him all night? Me too. Well, not the kissing part, but just in trying to pass by him in the kitchen I would put my hands on his waist and say "excuse me kiddo." AARGGGGGHHHHH! This is horrible! Like you, I could also go on talking about this. So, did you feel he gave you any signals last night and did anyone like hubby or gf catch on? That must be so hard for you because it sounds like you see him more than I see "Tim." What does he look like? I know my big attraction to him besides how hot he looks in uniform is his smile. Oh my god. He could melt ice with that smile. And he has great dimples when he smiles also. I wish I could scan you a pic of him. Well, my eyes are closing. I think Iam going to hit the hay to get up early and clean my messy house tomorrow morning. Fun fun. Goodnight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 11:32pm
Oh my god, yes. The uniform definetly helps! :) I can't imagine how tired he would be if I was married to him?;) It is sooooo hard to keep this bottled up inside, but for the sake of my husband, children, and his wife and children, I have to. There have been so

many times that I wanted to ask him why he does some of the things he does. I know that by doing so, it could potentially open up a can of worms I might not be able to close. He could either tell me his reasons, tell his wife on me or worse, tell my husband with whom he is really close to. So, he can never know. I honestly think he can see it in my eyes and my body language. We always manage to sit next to or across from one another. Sometimes legs or feet touch and neither one of us move. One time, a few of us were driving back from Foxwoods and I was sitting in the back trying to sleep with my head resting on the window. His wife was next to me and he had his arm around her. She had her head down on his shoulder so I don't think she realized what had happened but about 10 minutes into my nap, I felt someone gently stroke a hand down my hair. I was flipping inside but couldn't say a word. I just pretended to still be sleeping but my little heart was going about a mile a minute. I never asked and he never told. This was 3 years ago and I think the point of asking now would be mute. Should I ever bring this up to him? He would probably deny it or say it was by mistake. Oh no, this was not an accidental brushing or stretching but a full fledged stroking of my hair. Would you ask? Iam truly afraid of what he might say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:47am
Hey, why don't you stroke his hair back? LOL

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