how are women really seen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
how are women really seen?
21
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:08am

Are there moments when any of you think that you are viewed as sl*%, wh0#%?

A friend of mine said that my AP probably does not see more than the sit-by-the-sideline-whore.  The term hurt me and it made me think for a moment, If I indeed am seen like that.  I could go and expose my entire sex life to everyone and though it may seem like a lot of sexual partners to me, it may not be for others and vice versa.  Am I a skank because I slept with AP?  I am lucky to say, all the partners I've had (well those, I consented to), I have loved.  I have kissed 5 men in my life and fewer than that I have been intimate with.  So, what am I?

The other issue is that I get men coming to me and really looking at me in a way that makes me feel dirty.  I am getting frustrated by labels that hurt my self concept and the male attention I get, that is both unwarranted and unwanted.  I understand tha tI have some physical features that intrigue men, but some assume I am easy based on that.  Some women at work have made comments about me that describe as a highly sexualized deviant and all because of the way I look and dress.

So, I know it is part insecurities, part the labels women are given and the attention I garner...but in the end is tis truly how women are seen?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 12:55am
"I understand that I have some physical features that intrigue men, but some assume I am easy based on that."

Are you saying you're pretty or that you've got big breasts? A robust behind? Sorry to be so frank...just doesn't make sense...because being pretty is sort of different than being sexy. Both are powerful.

I know what you mean. Yes, some people probably think that of you. If you've got sexy features and you don't hide them...then yes. You know who you are...do you care so much? How do you interact with your AP? Does he talk to you? Does he value your thoughts? I think if you're worried about AP viewing you a certain way then take a look at how you spend your time together.

Being very sexy is okay. It took a long time for me to look at society and think...why are we so afraid of sexy women? Women crucify the sexy woman who knows it and dresses sexy...men are thrown off balance by them (yet really want to sleep with them) and we're supposed to think they are S---ts and W--res....but what do those words REALLY MEAN? Just that we have power...and we're supposed to "put it away" and "never use that" etc.

Well, through history courtesans were valued for being VERY sexy and VERY intelligent. Both. Men treated them with respect and many of them influenced politics like nothing else. They sometimes held the world in the palm of their interesting, educated, sexy hands....BE PROUD OF YOUR SEXUALITY AND THE POWER YOU HAVE!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 1:24am

Wow! This was the most profound post I've read from Blue!

Do I hear a reversal of roles in the work?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 1:53am
Amen BR!!!
Labels as such derive only from uneducated (or threatened) individuals. Dress as you please Kittery.
BlueRoses88 wrote:
Women crucify the sexy woman who knows it and dresses sexy...men are thrown off balance by them (yet really want to sleep with them) and we're supposed to think they are S---ts and W--res....but what do those words REALLY MEAN? Just that we have power...and we're supposed to "put it away" and "never use that" etc.

Yes, and we should bring it out when it's time to conceive and incubate, that's what respectable women in society do :smileywink: 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 1:59am

Aww Blue: LOVE IT!!!

Kittery: OWN IT! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 3:33am

I totally know what you mean, kittery!  Sometimes it sucks to be a woman.  I know men have their own gender-based garbage to deal with, but it is so hard trying to balance between being true to your own sexuality and the rules for being a "good girl." I wonder how many of us on here are good girls gone bad?  LOL...of course, I don't really mean bad, but just bad as far as breaking those rules.  I was only with one man for my first 33 years, and I have actually noticed that a lot of my friends who did marry their first sex partner end up having As later on, or getting divorced to sow their wild oats.  I think we do a disservice to our daughters (or sons) when we raise them to have such puritannical beliefs about sex.  Sometimes, I feel like I have two different people living inside me, and when it comes to sex and self-image, they are at war.

That's one reason that I love feminist literature and criticism.  It's so refreshing to me to read ideas written out by women who have such a better grasp on the topic, and who help me to understand why I feel this way.  It's freeing to read how they have learned to say eff you to "the rules" and to forge new paths.

That said, the main thing I have come to use as a guide to my behavior is how it makes me feel about me.  If a choice makes me feel used or weak, I try to avoid it now.  While I think have random hookups with a man is OK for some women (like Samantha in Sex and the City), it isn't the right choice for me. Sex without emotion isn't rewarding for me, and if sex isn't rewarding, what's the point?  But I think you just need to define your own values based on what is healthy for you, and then how others see you will matter less.

It's funny what you said about being seen as a sex object.  I literally cannot get men to see me that way!  I have DD boobs and even if I wear them on display in a low cut shirt, they still look me in the eye!  LOL...it's like I do the reverse of what every other woman with big boobs does..."Hey buddy!  Watch those eyes!  My boobs are down here."  I think it may have to do with the fact that for many years, I did NOT want to be seen as any sort of sex object.  I'm pretty sure I have adopted behaviors in the way I walk and talk that discourage men from viewing me that way, and now as I am out in the dating world again, I'm finding it hard to release those behaviors.  I also think it is one of the reasons XAP's wife was never threatened by me.  She had commented before to XAP about me being pretty, but again, whatever vibe I give off is not saying sex kitten.  Apparently, somehow your vibe is saying that, and I don't think it just has to do with having a nice rack or a fine booty!  I'm guessing it had to do with body language and other nonverbal  clues that you are putting out somehow.  Are you a blonde?  All my blonde friends say that they instantly got more attention that way when they lightened their hair.  Weird but true.

But I'd say if the attention it bothering you, it might mean that you are feeling insecure about if you ARE easy right now.  I think by what you listed, most people would NOT define you as a skank ho...lol.  That's one thing that annoys me on some other boards is when they randomly call any woman who is in an A a "slut" or a "whore."  While I understand the knee jerk reaction to call a woman who has hurt you that, to continue to refer to somebody that way just shows a real lakc of a desire to realsitically reflect upon the A, and what caused it to occur. 

Do you feel like your AP views you that way?  Does he usually just contact you when he is looking for amusement or sexual pleasure? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 8:43am
For what its worth, I never viewed my AP that way - I viewed her as a woman secure in her sexuality and confident enough to show that to me behind closed doors. I also think a lot of men appreciate a woman who makes the effort to dress nice/sexy without it being "over-the-top". We are visual creatures and can admire a pretty woman without thinking she's loose or easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 9:21am
I'm with bthlman on this one, I've never ever viewed them as a "whore". The only people that think that are the pretentious naive little bastards that don't have a clue about a thing in the world. All of my AP's have meant something dear and special to me, whether it was short lived or drawn out. I consider them all close friends with whom I can relate with regarding our home situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 9:34am

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 9:44am

 

?kittery wrote:

Are there moments when any of you think that you are viewed as sl*%, wh0#%?

A friend of mine said that my AP probably does not see more than the sit-by-the-sideline-whore.  The term hurt me and it made me think for a moment, If I indeed am seen like that.  I could go and expose my entire sex life to everyone and though it may seem like a lot of sexual partners to me, it may not be for others and vice versa.  Am I a skank because I slept with AP?  I am lucky to say, all the partners I've had (well those, I consented to), I have loved.  I have kissed 5 men in my life and fewer than that I have been intimate with.  So, what am I?

The other issue is that I get men coming to me and really looking at me in a way that makes me feel dirty.  I am getting frustrated by labels that hurt my self concept and the male attention I get, that is both unwarranted and unwanted.  I understand tha tI have some physical features that intrigue men, but some assume I am easy based on that.  Some women at work have made comments about me that describe as a highly sexualized deviant and all because of the way I look and dress.

So, I know it is part insecurities, part the labels women are given and the attention I garner...but in the end is tis truly how women are seen?

No is the answer to your first question.

A completely normal human being is the answer to your second and third questions. I've kissed and slept with a LOT more than 5 men in my lifetime and if anyone regards me as a sl*t or worse for that then that is their problem not mine.

?kittery please don't buy into other peoples negative opinions, attitudes and labels, they don't belong to you so don't take them on board. Be proud of who and what you are, physical attributes and all. As for the comments from the women at work, most of them are probably insanely jealous and the only way to feel good about themselves is to disparage how you look. I'm nearing 60 and have a body a lot of 20 year olds would like, I dress to show it to it's best advantage, not as revealing as I possibly would if I were in my twenties but certainly not as some people think a grandma ought to dress. I don't buy into other peoples narrow minded bigotry...it's their problem and they are welcome to keep it, something I'm quite happy to share with them if they make comments within my hearing.

Kat x 

 

katuk
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 9:53am

..."Hey buddy!  Watch those eyes!  My boobs are down here." 

Oh my God, JJ, that was, without a doubt, the funniest thing I've read in a LONG TIME. You crack me up.

Kittery, I agree with the others, especially the comment about not letting OTHERS opinion of you sink in and change your ways. Their comments to you are more about them, than you. Be the wonderful person you are.

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