How can I hide my love

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
How can I hide my love
7
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:49pm
My affair started as a purley no strings, just sex and fun kinda thing, we were both married at the time, my marriage has since ended, but my lover has become my all, the love I feel for him is all consuming, yet I cannot tell him to do so would be to lose him, as he made that clear from the start no feelings.......now each time I see him I try so hard to hide what I feel that I risk losing him by being so irrational...should I tell him and lose him, or just let him go............
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 3:27pm
That's a hard decision to make. I think all of us start the same way. MM and I started out as purely for fun also. We never expected it to last as long as it did. This is now five years later. MM actually told me first how he felt. I was surprised, I loved him already, and we were a few months into our relationship. I never expected him t say anything to me like that. We broke up once in our relationship for four months, and then got back together. Since then, we've never broken up since. I feel confident in my Relationship with MM. I know that at the moment, we can't be together, but perhaps one day.

I know that it's a hard decision to make, but one you have to make for yourself. Has he mentioned his feelings to you? Are you prepared to tell him how you feel, and possibly be let down? If he is steadfast in his feelings about his family, you will have a problem. It's unfortunate that most affairs don't end the way that we want. I hope you can make the right one for yourself. In my relationship, I know that MM can't leave his W. Not yet. There are two children involved. If I gave him ultimatums, I would end up losing him. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 4:15pm
cait, welcome to the board and thanks for posting. you don't say how long you've been in the A, obviously a year or two at the very least, since you were married and are now divorced. i'm of the school of communication is key in any R and especially in an A.

i would broach the subject to your changed feelings with your MM. he must know that your feelings have deepened and changed since you are now a single woman. you sound pretty intense ("all-consuming") and i'm sure MM has sensed what's up and is ignoring the changes until they smack him in the face! you need to be as honest as you can, starting in small doses, with MM to let him know how you feel and if and when he might want to move the R to the next level. if MM indicates he still wants just fun and games and nothing more, than you have to make the hard decision, honey. but you'll never know unless you ask!

good luck,

gurl

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 4:47pm
Hi.

I agree with the last message totally. You need to keep talking otherwise what strats out as a little thing, ends up being a BIG thing. I know it wont be easy, Ive had some v hard conversations with my MM but its something you need to do for the sake of your own mind and your own heart. It may not be right for you but if you want to stay with it, you should try and concentrate on the good times that you have together. In fact maybe thats a good way to start, by doing stuff outside of bed. Who knows if you'll even get on that well once you're away from the sex!!!

Best of luck

Blondiexxxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 6:22pm

Hi cait and welcome,


I think gurl put it all down nicely... I've been in my EMA for going on 4 years... while it all started as a great relationship turned physical... with both of us married with children...

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 7:12pm
Hi,

Thanks so much for you reply, and even though whilst reading it I agreed with everything you said, I know I am too much of a coward to say it to him, . His life is hard enough without any pressure from me, he has 3 kid's, 2 of whom are disabled, 1 severely, he see's me as his haven from it all, the place where he can come, relax and he say's be treated like a King......also I spent my married life being told my feeling's were wrong and that I was stupid, so I find it hard to let out what I really feel, I make a pretty good show of pretending that I am coping with this A, not to, would be to lose it,yet my heart ache's for him when he's not here, and whenever we end a conversation and he calls me 'his cait', i have to fight off the urge to say I LOVE YOU.......maybe it's because I am so lonely I need him, or needy, I know sometime's he get's scared by how demonstrative I can be......he really is the only thing in my life.......how do I love him and not lose him, and hw do i do this groundwork? Please help me........

Cait

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 7:44pm

oh Cait... I feel for you... because in many ways I can relate.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 5:49am
Hi Gurl,

Many thanks for your input - I was amazed when you said I sound pretty intense....that's just it I am not normally, I have no idea what this guy has done to me, or why I feel the way I do....I am sure he know's and chose's to ignore it.....he know's that my marriage ended because my H found out I was having an A.....his world is still safe, mine has been completley ripped apart, yet I cannot tell him.

All of a sudden I have turned into a 'needy' wreck, normally I am confident, intelligent and fairly easygoing, but when it come's to him...I seek constant reassurance, (his patience it has to be said is probably one of his strongest point's), although I make no demand's and this R is very much on his term's, I get so anxious of losing him, that I fear I am driving him away anyway with my own insecurities.....so I try too hard then get all worked up about that, so I feel to tell him would finally make him walk away. He say's he see's me as is Haven away from it all, he is under a lot of pressure at home, 2 of his kid's have disabilities, and I guess this is the only place he can come and be him.....

Sorry for rambling, but how good it feel's to know there are people you can let it out to.....I am gonna try next time we speak to perhap's be a little less wanting, and a bit like the woman he felt he wanted to start an A with.......what makes him stay?

Totally, lost, alone and mightly confused.....

Cait