How can LOVE be WRONG?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
How can LOVE be WRONG?
6
Sat, 10-18-2003 - 4:40pm
I know that messing around with a MM is wrong...my father had numerous affairs and cheated on my mother many times. I SWORE I would never be "one of those whores".

But low and behold I became friends with a MM at work and after a course of a year we are very much in love. We fool around but have not had intercourse (as we can both raionalize he's not 'technically cheating") and he told me he was in love with me BEFORE anything physical had happened. We both tried to fight this and I have tried NC a few times. I was fine moving on, or so I thought, until we decided to take an overnight trip.

I have NEVER loved another human being this way....completely, unconditionally, superbly. ANd to top it off, I have NEVER felt as loved as I do when he looks at me, holds me, cries for me. It is SO hard to TRY to do the right thing....because I love this man.

He married young and has 2 boys with her. She has done nothing to deserve being left. His kids don't deserve their father leaving. But he is, and ALL his friends agree, in a loveless marriage. They don't fight, the family doesn't know they are unhappy...it's just LOVELESS. I have asked if he wants me to step out and leave so he can try to find what he has with me with his own wife....he said that it's impossible. They shouldn't have married, but they are.

I want to do the right thing...but the right thing for ME and him I feel is to love each other whenever possible. I'd rather have a little bit of heaven then a whole lot of nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 10:19am
Sorry, but I just had to respond to this one. Both of you need a reality check. Look at what you wrote: "She has done nothing to deserve being left." This suggests that she is good to him, that she is a good wife, that she performs her wifely duties as boring as it can make life from time to time. This also suggests to me that the passion and fire of an initial relationship has left their marriage. How long have they been married? I just have to know. Often times in marriage, the daily monotony of life and responsibilities take over and the passion and fire and desire for each other gets neglected, however the love is still there. There is a difference between love and desire you know. He may not even be physically attracted to her anymore, but I bet he does love her to some extent.

"They don't fight, the family doesn't know they are unhappy...it's just LOVELESS." How do you know they are "unhappy"? If they don't fight is it because they don't hate each other, or because they really don't care enough about each other to give a damn about anything enough to fight about? Maybe they don't fight because they have a mutual respect for each other and they both love their children dearly and enough to be civil to each other to "model" a healthy relationship for them. Why don't they fight? If they don't know they are unhappy, then how do you know? How do you define marital "happiness" WITH CHILDREN?

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 10:31am
HGG,

My H and I don't fight a lot either. Not all marriages have bitter acrimonious fights and name calling in front of the children. My H and I don't talk to each for days together when we fight. We just avoid each other. When I try to bring up the issue sometimes he just shrugs and leaves the room. He avoids conflict resolution big time and that why its hard for me to "talk out" our problems to him. If somebody doesn't think its their mistake and its all other person's fault what else can you do than just to ignore them like they ignore you. So that's why a lot our friends think we are "happily married" while one of us is swallowing the hurt and getting past the issue for the sake of the marriage. Just my two cents worth....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 11:19am
If you're not talking, then that's fighting. Ignoring each other is also fighting. Avoiding conflict is very bad for the children to see. Is the MM of the original post living that kind of life? I just *suspect* that he isn't.

Juliet, I'm very sorry your marriage is that way. I really hope your H will come to his senses and take responsibility for himself and his faults as well.

Lots of love and hugs to you girl.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 12:00pm
HOw did this post get from here to what is and isn't fighting. Your question is my question, too. How can LOVE be WRONG. I feel the same way about my MM also and fought it. He also said he loved me before we ever touched. Our minds and hearts and souls touched long before our bodies did. So, any answers???? I do think, though that before starting a new relationship it is best to clean up and end the old one. But it hasn't happened that way, has it??
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 12:40pm
I agree, it is fighting even though if its not spoken out loud. I still think that a lot of marriages can outwardly look perfect but they maybe falling apart from the inside. My friends would be surprised it I tell them if something is wrong with my marriage, because they all know my H is a good man. He doesn't cheat or do drugs or alcohol or physically abuse me - which is why he is a good man. Being a good man does not make him a good husband. He does do things that irritate me to no end and he has let me down emotionally so many times. Its usually the person who is in the marriage who knows if their partner is meeting out needs/wants not the other way around. Also one person's needs/wants is NOT same as another's. I for one can't say you should find happiness in the same things in a marriage like I do. Some need material comforts and security from a marriage but others need something more intangible than that. JMHO.

Oh, BTW thanks for the hugs and good wishes...


Edited 10/20/2003 12:41:48 PM ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 1:43pm
I totally agree with you Juliet. MM & I have had that conversation countless number of times. We both know that our spouses aren't meeting ALL of our needs and vice/versa. We also both know how strong our attraction is to each other. However it is something far more than just a physical attraction. We truly want the best for each other. Just this weekend I was hoping that he spent some time doing his favorite weekend activity that he loves so much. He could play golf all weekend if you let him. I want that for him. I want him to go golfing all day at least once a week. It's his release and I desire for him to have what golf does for him.

Love in and of itself is not WRONG. It's when we just happen to LOVE someone who isn't fully available to us....LOVE becomes less than it should be and compromised. I know how you feel girls.


Edited 10/20/2003 1:47:11 PM ET by hisgoodgirl

Laugh Smiles