How could he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
How could he?
25
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 10:39pm

Hi all,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
In reply to: iluv2love
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 1:33am

Hi;


I am no where near the level of involvment you were but I just want to say I understand about the "being let go so easily", to be for the most part discarded.
It hurts. It hurts a lot and it's confusing and frusterating and leaves you with so much doubt and bewilderment that you are just wandering around in a daze, trying to act like nothing is wrong, trying to act like your heart isn't shattered when in reality all you can do is think about him and come up with more questions and imagine what would be said if there was contact again and kinda wish he would just contact you and you could understand somehow.


I don't know what to say to help you feel better, I have fresh wounds myself; I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
In reply to: iluv2love
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 2:27am

Well, I certainly understand why you're hurt, 8 years is a long time, and a lot of history. One thing that I would like to point out to you is that just because he let you go doesn't mean that he is not hurting. Men don't wear their hearts on their sleeves like we do. A lot of men hurt in private, and don't want to expose that vulnerable side of themselves. Like my favorite song "Don't let the sun go down on me" He says " I can't find all the right words that you like. You see me once, you see the way I feel." I'm sure that he will miss you, and after 8 years I'd be surprised if he didn't call you again, but I don't want you to concentrate on that. Concentrate on getting past this.

Let me ask you something. Given the change in his life what would you have him do? I mean he has at least three kids, young kids. His focus at some point would have to change. If it didn't considering the birth of three children how would you think of him? I wouldn't have any respect for a man that would put an AP before his young children.

I know that you're hurting, and probably will for some while. I know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out, it's not pretty. All you can do now is change YOUR focus. Try to keep busy, and try to throw some of that energy into your M if that's what you want. Take up a hobby, start working out, take a college course. Just do something for YOU. If you could make time for AP, you can make time for you. We are here if you need us.

Justice




Edited 1/20/2009 2:28 pm ET by crime_fighter
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
In reply to: iluv2love
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 4:18pm

It's probably high time that you let this relationship go. You mention "salvaging". What's there to salvage? The affair? The way I see it you have two choices...continue on in this manner for X amount of years, or move on to something real in your own life. You don't mention whether you're married or not, but I suspect not. I suspect that you don't even have a BF. It sounds to me like you've devoted the last 8 years to a relationship with him, neglecting your own wants, needs and happiness. In the meantime, he has continued on with his marriage, had a baby, having another baby, building even more history with his wife. You, my dear, have settled in this relationship. Settled for half of a man, settled for sneaking around, settled for not being able to even talk about him with anyone in your life, let alone introduce him. You've settled for holidays alone while he celebrates with his family. Weekends alone while he spends them with his family. You've settled for clandestine meetings, phone calls, etc. He's cooing in the face of another child he created with his wife. Where's your baby?

He says he could see you two together in that nebulous time called "the future". See you together how? Still having an affair, most likely, and define the future. When his kids leave home for college in 18 years or so? I'm afraid he's used the line many men do on their mistresses...."sometime in the future". It's so cliche. It really is.

I don't give a rat's patootey about him. I care about you and your happiness, and from an outsider's viewpoint, it's NOT going to come from him. I know you love him, but not all "love" relationships culminate in the happy ending. If I were you, I'd be thanking my lucky starts that he did have another child, seize the opportunity to get the hell out of this deal and run like the wind. If 8 years hasn't shown you that you're betting on a loser, then I honestly don't know what else would. If someone hasn't changed their situation in all that time, they're simply not going to. You can be the one that jumps out of that cake he's having and eating it, too, or you can grab ahold of some dignity, hold your head up and say "no more". I hope to God you choose the latter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
In reply to: iluv2love
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 11:24pm

Thanks Witchy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
In reply to: iluv2love
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 11:29pm

Thank you so much Justice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
In reply to: iluv2love
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 11:42pm

Wow Tell, I can definitely see where you got your name from...lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: iluv2love
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 10:09am

OK, so it's been 8 years but today you can make a change in your life to not be someone's after-thought or his side dish. He is clearly committed to his family and he was stringing you along for 8 years. But now you can make a decision that when he calls you again (he will, they always do), you can say stop and not continue to live in the shadows of his M and his W. You are single and you deserve so much more than that. Do you realize that you too can have a man who puts you first in his life and shows the world that you are the love of his life? It is possible, but you have to clear up the clutter in your life (X-MM). Use this as your opportunity to make positive changes in your life and not settle for being this man's dirty little secret.


Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
In reply to: iluv2love
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 12:57pm
Girl....you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and hold your head high. You fell in love with someone and you believed him. But the time has come to say "no more". I feel so badly for you, but I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've been there, and I'm living proof that you can and will get past this. 8 years is a hell of a long time, to be sure. But you've got a lot of time left, and you don't deserve to be sitting around waiting for some schmuck. I know you want to keep the friendship, and maybe you will be able to in the long run. But, as you said, he walked all over you and took advantage of your love.....THIS is a friend? I wouldn't worry one iota about that right now. If you two are meant to be friends, you will. But right now you have a much bigger fish to fry...getting out of this affair. Until you do, you just have to know that you will spend more holidays, birthdays, weekends, etc. alone. While he gets to welcome his new baby home. It simply isn't fair. Time to put you first. Go out and meet that great guy who is just waiting for a wonderful woman like you. You can do it. One step, one day at a time. And remember NO CONTACT = NO MORE HURTS!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
In reply to: iluv2love
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 4:50pm

I'm so glad that I was able to comfort you a little bit, I am very aware of how every little bit counts in this......thing that we are in. I just wanted to drop you a few more words if you don't mind.

First, stop speaking so negatively about yourself. What we tell ourselves internally, you know in our heads, is VERY powerful, and has a great influence over how we feel about ourselves. Stop using words like pathetic, and weak, and replace them w/ words like good, deserving of good things, and important. Talk to yourself, it works for me, although I usually only do it if I have a really unpleasant task that I just don't want to do. I tell myself, "Enough, just suck it up, and do what you have to," and usually it's enough. Well, talk to you, and tell yourself that you deserve good things, and that you are a good person that deserves to have good things happen to them. I know it is SO easy for me to stand her and tell you how to do it, but I have a very difficult time implementing the same into my own life.

You know, my very wise daughter of all of 18 yrs. old said to me the other day "Don't make someone else your priority, if your only an option." I was like "Wow, that was deep." So I have kind of just been saying that to myself over and over. Hopefully it will help you, and me. Take care.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
In reply to: iluv2love
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 6:47pm

One other thing....thanks for "getting" me. There are too many people on this board that just cannot handle the truth. I'm glad that I was able to help you.

Stay strong and never let 'em see you sweat!

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