How could I be so blind?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
How could I be so blind?
3
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 11:27pm


I've had a very "interesting" night. I was on the computer earlier and actually was chatting with OM's Wife. We were talking about kids etc. you know, being courteous and all. Well it came out what MM was doing tonight and it made me so mad. He was out "helping a friend do some AC work." This is something he told me he was doing a few days ago when I asked if he could get out for awhile. I had asked him tonight to call me if he wasnt at home so we could do something as I had to be out of the house so DH could do some work. NO calls. When I was talking to his Wife online I called his cell phone and he didnt answer.. Well, the "Friend" is a girl he works with and whom he has told me before acts like he and I used to act when we worked together.

I mentioned in another post that I thought he was making up excuses to me. Damn, I should have gone with my gut feeling. I feel so stupid. I really think deep down that there is something going on with this girl and it breaks my heart. I'm leaving the state in a few weeks and know it will end then, but I still have another issue OM and I are dealing with so I cant end it just yet.

He did call me back tonigth once he had left her house. FUnny how he had to "wait" to call. He was telling me about how he was on the phone and he had to fix her AC.. blah blah blah, you know when you just know someone is giving you a BS story because they know they are busted? THat is what I felt like. Gosh, this is exactly why I dont think I could ever be with him after this A. I would NEVER trust him.

I told him I talked to his W and that I felt very enlightened on a few subjects he and I had discussed and you could tell in his voice he was nervous. We said we would talk about it tonight online. I think this is what I needed though, I know when we talk he'll have all these BS excuses for who he was with and what he was doing, and if I even remotly bring up the idea that I know what was happening he will get all pissed off and try to make me feel like I am wrong for bringing it up.

I've always been so happy with him, he made me feel so loved and wanted and needed. Recently though, I've felt just the opposite; I've felt like I am making all the calls, I'm the one who is always free. Maybe I'm overreacting and I am being overly paranoid. But I honestly dont think I am. I'm goign to go with my gut on this one, and if it pisses off OM to hear me tell him what I think is goign on and I lose himm, so be it. Life will go on right????

Does anyone else think I am totally crazy or irrational???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 8:44am
Hmmm... I definitely think your instinct is right on this one. I wonder about the fact that you're leaving the state in a few weeks. Do you think that has something to do with it? All this is making me appreciate my husband so much more. Men are rats, aren't they?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 2:11pm
I do think that moving has something to do with the change in the way he has been behaving. He told me the other day that this is "breaking his heart" and he is afraid to get more attached knowing that I am leaving.

I talked to him online last night and of course he had great excuses. Her brother was there.. yada yada yada. Part of me wants to believe him so bad, but the other part really feels like I am being walked all over. I basically ended the conversation last night on a good note. I've just resolved not to be so available to him anymore. Now if I could figure out how to NOT think about him all day long. :) I mentioned something last night about if there was something going on with this other girl, to tell her to just wait 4 weeks and she can have him full time. Man did he get upset. He was like "I dont know what to tell you to make you understand that nothing is going on." I told him he probably cannot tell me anything to make me feel different. AS I said before I was never the jealous type, but I definatly am now.

What I do find weird is that I am not jealous of his W. I know they are Intimate and I know they get along well, but it doesnt bother me. This other girl though, if he mentions something about her I just want to scream.. I get soo angry. ARrghh is so frustrating. He said last nigth that this other girl knows more about me than I realize and I was like how is that.. He said "becasue I talk about you constantly." I just find I am questioning EVERy single thing he says and I really hate doing it. Maybe that is how I know its time to end this whole thing.

You are right about appreciating your H more. I used to feel that I could tell OM everything. I had no secrets with him, but really when I sit back and look at it, I have a better relationship with my DH. DH and I are VERY open with each other. The only thing DH does not know about is this A actually. There are quite a few things I am not able to talk to OM about, because he would get jealous and upset.

I do know that I can not see myself ever getting into a situation like this again. This has been the biggest roller coaster of my life and I think I'm ready to get off this train. SOON!

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 2:23pm
I can completely relate to being jealous of other women but not the wife. I guess we feel like we've accepted that they have the wife in their lives... We just have peace in the fact that we are the ones occupying their thoughts and dreams. I think it may be possible that he's attracted to this woman and maybe he's flirting with the idea of her, knowing that you're leaving, but it is possible he hasn't acted on it yet. But by pushing him on it, do you think it might move him toward her more? Also, here's a question -- do you think maybe you are looking for reasons to push him away from you? I ask because my MM is very jealous and I've noticed when he's trying to push me away, he'll start accusing me of flirting with other guys or being interested in them. It has begun to seem to me that maybe he wants me to be interested in other guys because it will give him a way out of this. I think that it's very hard for a person to balance out two relationships at once, though. One is going to suffer. So if your OM is cheating or falling for someone else, you would notice a lot less of an emotional commitment. I seem to remember you saying he's made up a lot of excuses for not seeing you or talking to you lately. I think in the end you'll have to go with your gut instinct. They say generally women know when their men are being unfaithful...I think we know long before we actually fully admit it to ourselves a lot of times. I don't know...I'm inclined to think since you only have a few weeks left with this guy, why not make the best of it and leave some good memories behind? I know that's easier said than done, though.