How did I get to this place??
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|Sun, 08-19-2012 - 12:35am|
My affair started a little over two years ago, the husband of a close friend of which we have been friends for over 15 years. Our children are the same age and we live across the street - our families spend alot of time together socially and we vacation together. As others have written, I was taken very much by surprise when the affair started, though looking back I can see that I was unhappy in my marriage and vulnerable. I fell in love with him quickly, though I told myself it couldn't be love because I loved my friend and because I loved my husband (I have never stopped loving my husband...we had been through a tough few years before the affair, and he had sorely disappointed me in the months just prior to when the affair began).
I finally realized that I had to let go of the idea that there is an "us"...we are both committed to our families and have never considered leaving them for each other. About a year ago, right after my father died, I hit a low spot. Then to boot my AP decided to go practically NC on me on his terms. It was a double whammy and it has been hell for the last 12 months considering our living situation. In this all mess this past year, we still had holidays, vacations, etc that I had to pretend not feel anything - I am not sure how I have survived this past year. I used to post on another blog that recently got cut off and was my main support system. I have told noone of our affair.
It is hard when you go from talking every day- sharing all the things we did - to nothing. I have a deep loss in my heart and I miss him. But I do know this was going nowhere for him and for me. The right thing to do is to end things for our kids’ sake and because when we married we made a vow to be faithful, which we broke. I don't want to hurt anyone. But unfortunately the words cut sharply and the way this ended are hard for me – I don’t understand why he felt he couldn’t come and talk to me. I am deeply hurting and wondering if there will ever be a day where we can be friends again.
As I read on these boards I see that NC is key and when we see each other less it helps but NC is just not possible in my case and would raise more suspicion and we don't want a D day. Recently we almost had physical contact again and I don't want to go back there again - but it is hard not to want to....
Anyway looking for advice from anyone that may be in a similar situation for HELP - I try to be strong but today I feel so lost.....