HOW DID YOU

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
HOW DID YOU
10
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 9:35pm

Okay...so how did you know FOR SURE that you were entering an affair? Is it that it happened one time and you knew it would happen again? Is it that you both discussed it not happening again and then it did and at that point you knew?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: galthinker
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 12:05am

I first met AP at work. The first time I saw him something clicked. It was an instant attraction. At the time my H hadnt been giving me any attention or affection and we hadnt had IC for 2 years. That's crazy. Anyway, me and AP began to flirt and smile and speak to each other everyday. Then we started talking at work. He was very open for someone who didnt know me.


I was very naive in this situation. I didnt think the situation through at all. We exchanged numbers b/c he was leaving to go on to another job. I was pretty upset but he promised to keep in contact. he started calling and we began to hang out. I still never thought of it as an A. I guess I was

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2007
In reply to: galthinker
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 12:06am
My AP and I talked about wanting to have an ongoing "thing" versus a one night stand. We are FWB and have been for 2.5 years. Pretty much, if you hook up more than one time and keep hooking up, it's an affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
In reply to: galthinker
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 1:29am
so..let me ask this...the first time was a year and a half ago..and we talked about it not happening again. The second time was the other day and the only talk after was about being more careful b/c we came very close to getting caught. So, with that being said, is that a let's "continue" type of conversation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2001
In reply to: galthinker
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 7:30pm

yes, that sounds like a "let's continue" assumption to me. is that what you want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2009
In reply to: galthinker
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 8:16pm

When did I know I was entering an Affair? When I found myself in AP's hotel room, with my dress on the other side of the room, lol. OK really, I realized I was in a full blown affair when AP and I started talking about next time, being careful and how much fun we have together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2001
In reply to: galthinker
Sun, 09-13-2009 - 8:49pm
i knew it was an A when he called me and we talked about taking things to a physical level, what it would be like, how it would affect our friendship, and that none of our mutual acquaintances could know. before that i thought maybe i was just reading too much into his flirations or that it was wishful thinking since i knew i was in love with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
In reply to: galthinker
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 3:37am
I guess the reason I am so confused is because yes, part of me absolutely wants to continue. A matter of fact, I may have said something to that affect (we had had SEVERAL drinks). I don't know for sure, but I think at some point in the evening I talked to him about when we are on the road for business, how easy it would be for no one to ever know. Don't remember his response (too many drinks). However, it was after that we "continued". He throws some mixed signals b/c while we were in the hot tub, he said let's have a nice, fun, platonic evening as he was rubbing my legs and other things and telling me how sexy i am and that he thinks the world of me and that his vision for us it to travel together (our families) to places all over the world and become best of friends. The next day, when I was driving home, he called to check on me b/c I was still wobbly the next morning so he wanted to make sure that I was okay. That night we talked and he got personal with me things that he hadn't told many people about how he (b/c of how he was raised) made a decision that his kids would not grow up in a split household and that it would be different if he didn't have the kids. He continued that we need to be more careful, b/c if we would have gotten caught, he knows his W well enough to know she would have left him. BTW, we did all of this in their home, while she was sleeping. She knew I was there, but our families are friends so I guess she didn't think much of us being alone. This week he has called everyday (which is normal b/c of business) but he's been very "gentle" with me. He called last night while he was on a boat with some other friends of ours and said "i'm up here on the lake with the nice breeze and beautiful stars." That didn't sound like "business" to me. Then he continued talking about us/our families traveling the world together etc. Some of this could be business related, but it almost seems, unless it's just what i want, that he is wanting a relationship with me, won't leave his W and I won't leave H because of the kids, but if our families can travel together on the fun stuff, then we can be alone when we travel together for business and still enjoy the platonic part of our relationship while traveling with our families. This gets VERY complicated. Not sure what he wants. Most of the time, our conversation is entirely about business, but then there is the other 10% that gets very confusing. What are your thoughts???
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
In reply to: galthinker
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 6:26am

To me it seems like hes hedging his bets. If he can get you away with all the talk about "with the family" stuff then get you alone he wins. If he gets found out by his W, he looks like the innocent as he only talked with work in mind- you are the agressor- he wins. If you reject him then he can claim you misread his signals- he wins. If you go ahead with the A then he gets his cake...guess what HE WINS LOL!. He sounds like a real piece of work and very good with words. Be very cautious around him unless you want what he has to offer.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
In reply to: galthinker
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 10:52am
Wow...that makes him out to be a real a**! However, we have to communicate about business a lot. Nothing has changed there b/c we do have a very good working relationship and no matter what happens with us, that working relationship must continue. I do want the A continue in a lot of ways. He is everything my H is not and I am everything his W is not. Both of us are in our M because of one reason and one reason only and that is the kids. His W isn't happy either, as multiple times while I was over, she made comments that made me know, they hardly communicate and they are completely different and completely out of love with each other. All the other "Sweet" stuff he is saying to me is very new within the last week or so. I'm really not sure what I should do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
In reply to: galthinker
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 11:42am

Im sorry, my intention was a begrudging admiration on how adept he is at covering his a$$ with words LOL.

If you want to continue the PA, you have the intimate knowledge of what kind of man he is and go by gut feeling and instincts. You work very close with him so you have a firsthand view of the family dynamics. This is a situation i think you may have to see where it goes and how deep you want to get into considering you both will never leave your spouses and a D-Day would be on par with the Hiroshima fallout.

In relation to the recent sweet talk, he may have got an "AHA!" moment where he realizes he has deeper feelings than before.

IMO, get somewhere quiet (no alcohol!!!)and ask him straight out what he thinks of you two on a personal level. No direct cornering of him, just say that you are wanting an honest view of his take of things. In this case, guessing isnt working.

I really hope you work it out. Limbo really sucks.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.