How did your affair start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
How did your affair start?
4
Fri, 03-06-2009 - 7:38pm

I'm just curious for the posters here, how long did you think about having an affair before you actually did it? Did something push you over the edge, or did it just happen unexpectedly? Was it someone you knew for awhile, or just met?


I guess I would say I'm in the planning stages. I have a good marriage, but it has it's problems. I'm not attracted to my husband, I've had conversations repeatedly with him about taking better care of himself and making himself more attractive. He knows how I feel and what to do, but he is so overwhelmed with certain stressful situations in our lives and he just can't seem to get on top of it. I care about him and love him, but I feel like I'm married to my roommate and best friend. I don't want to leave, and I know we need counseling (he'd be more than willing) but it's not in the cards just yet.


A few months ago, I reconnected with an old boyfriend throug email. We dated 20 years ago, and I was his first love and ended up breaking his heart. We were young, and he didn't know how to communicate. I had high expectations that no one could meet.


We have stayed in touch over the years, as friends. He got married about 12 years ago, I was married and divorced and remarried. We had not talked for a bit, I got the feeling his wife didn't like him talking to old girlfriends. When we reconnected again last fall, he informed me his wife had passed away, and he was a single dad now. We were finally able to talk and reminiss, and he mentioned that he would always love me and that I was the only ex he had that he'd ever want to try again with. I've always wanted him to be happy, and never harbored any ill feelings toward him, I felt the same way and I wish it had worked out.


In our online discussions, he was very flirtatious. He's sent me some extremely suggestive text messages. He lives in another state I will be traveling to next month. We have made plans to see each other, but I don't think that either of us know what will happen. I think we would be friends if the visit is platonic or otherwise.


My problem is that I REALLY want to have an affair with him. I don't know if I should or not (no, I know I shouldn't, but I still want to) and don't know what to do. Just hoping for some perspective and stories from others that may be in my situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Sat, 03-07-2009 - 1:08am
Hi Italian Girl, I too am italian:-) Ok, I know exactly how you feel. I myself am going through a similar kind of situation. I am married to a wonderfully sweet and caring person who also happens to have let himself go and in the long run no longer shows me any affection or sexual attention. I told him about 6 months ago that his neglect for my needs was making something inside of me switch over (I knew in my heart that I was wanting to reconnect with a past love who emails me every year during my birthday, which was coming up). This old love was my most passionate and deepest connection, his alcohol abuse ended it but he is now sober. Anyways, my husband didn't listen or respond, he actually would get angry at me when I would ask for him to care more about my emotional and sexual and intimate needs. I would never have betrayed him if my needs were met. As time went on and he got angrier and my needs were more neglected, I responded to my ex. We connected so deeply and I felt almost like I was falling in love with him. This was all over email too. As him and I got closer and my husband ignored me more and more I decided to leave. I moved in with my Grandmother and started seeing my ex, I saw him for the first time the day after I moved out. Since then, about 6 weeks ago, I started sleeping with my ex and we connected so passionately and deeply. But after the first month I started to feel so guilty and I started to remember all the reasons why I loved my husband so much. All the good things. The reasons why I picked him instead of my ex. I wish I never would have kept the affair going and never would have slept with him, because even though I was unhappy and maybe at some point I would have left out of my own thought not just to be with someone else, doing it the way I did it was just more harmful than anything. Now I am worse than my husband. He might have let himself go and might have ignored me but I have slept with another man. Given my body and a part of my heart to him. Now I feel I can't do anything. I can't go back because of my guilt and how deeply my ex is in love with me now that I have given myself to him again. And I can't just move on because I am still so deeply in love with my husband and I don't want to loose all these years I have had with him. I am lost and confused. If I could do it again, I would have never emailed him back and I would have given my marriage my 100%. Because even though my ex might be quite perfect for me, hurting the man I love the most in the world is worse than anything. It sounds for you, as well as me, that it is very sexually based. Needing to feel desired and to feel desire. Since we both have men who treat us good and love us, the intimate part is what is lacking. I don't know how we can fix our marital problems but I can tell you now that having an affair will not make you feel better. It will make everything worse. If you are unhappy enough to leave him, then leave him. But if you aren't unhappy enough to leave then that is your answer. Good luck. I know how hard this is. My heart truly goes out to you. If you figure anything out then please let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 03-07-2009 - 4:10pm

Wow,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-07-2009 - 7:22pm

It started from the day I returned his call when he contacted me after almost 30 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Sun, 03-08-2009 - 1:03am