How do I cope with the guilt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
How do I cope with the guilt?
8
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 4:32pm

Hi there - new to this site. I am currently involved in my first affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 4:41pm

Hi Littledreamer,


Welcome to MAS! Its as if you have written my story & I can relate to you and the guilt so much. I don't know how I do it & how I've done it for the past 16 months. It consumes my mind to no end. It tears me up inside and lately I've been reading, researching and trying to get the strength to leave my AP. I love my H too. He is a wonderful man that does not deserve this. I guess I try my best to push it aside when I'm with H, like AP doesn't exist but then he creeps up and I fall again. All I can say is that I can't deal with it for too much longer because its effecting my marriage and effecting me mentally, physically & emotionally.


I wish I never entered this affair but I have learned so much from it, such a big lesson and after this I wont ever go there again. I'm trying to get myself together and when I leave AP, before the Summer end I will definitely keep you all posted. Until then I'll keep living this chaotic, beautiful lie.


If you can & I know easier said then done please try to remove yourself from this fog, this affair. Its so self destructing and you become a shell of a woman and when you look in the mirror, you don't even recognize her anymore. Everything you thought you once knew becomes a question. I don't want to be that way. I want to be real, I want to be my "truth". I want me back again.


Wishing you all the best!

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 4:15am

Hi dreamer,


Well, I could have written that introduction myself...almost word for word! I was married to my ex-h for 25 years, thought everything was peachy keen...kids were grown and gone, and we were finally doing stuff for ourselves.


There was a catalyst, which I won't go into now, that sent me into the arms of another man. I was doing the same things you are doing....leaving in the middle of the night to meet him, taking days off...never mind leaving early, all to meet HIM. I used to sit in my living room watching tv while my ex played games on the computer, and I would cry because I just couldn't handle the double life I was trying to lead...and yes, the guilt as well. That is one thing that actually sticks out in my mind when I had my D-day.....ex-h said "I knew something was wrong when I kept hearing you cry".


I fell in love with my AP you see, and my ex-h obviously left me. I'm still with AP (three years later) but the cost to me personally, has been tremendous. I lost a great job, I've become quite an accomplished drinker, and I've been extremely depressed now for....hmmm, 3 years! Oh yeah, my AP has zero plans to leave his W to be with me, even though she doesn't love him, and hasn't since soon after their marriage.....and I do (not shy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 9:45am

My best advise to you is stop this now before you loose everything you love & cherish.


The high you get from AP is not worth all the pain, guilt and risk.


You think H will never find out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 2:35pm

Hello All,


Thank you for your replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 08-05-2010 - 5:08pm

Hi dreamer,


I wish I could scare you off of this path, however I know all too well that there is probably nothing I can say that would accomplish that.


I wouldn't go so far as to say I lost my H....I feel like I'm the one who tossed him to the side. It was painful though, mostly because I had fallen so in love with my AP and knew that what my H and I had was over. Also, in my AP's defense, he NEVER told me that he was going to leave his W...I've never asked him to either. Of course, it's something that I really wish would have happened because I think that we could be very happy together...so unlike the life he's been living.


D-day. It was pretty ugly. H and I had moved into a new place and shortly afterward I moved into the extra bedroom...ostensibly because he was a horrible snorer and had RLS. I now know that was just a symptom. I had been having a really hard time living my "double" life, it was tearing me up so I decided to confide in a girlfriend. Said friend turned out to not be such a friend after all because she blabbed. Who did she blab to? My H's boss, who of course told my H. He took a few days to digest...did some snooping and found one of journal pages (that I had torn up and thrown in the garbage). Still can't get over the image I had of him digging through garbage to snoop! Anyhow, he came screaming into my bedroom that morning, waving this paper around and asking if it was true. I had absolutely no defense and really, I didn't want to try and lie my way out of it. It was very painful for both of us, and my AP was not happy about it at all, but I had to tell my H that I was in love with AP. H had his moments, freaked out on AP in the pub in front of everybody...freaked out on me in front of my DS and DIL, but generally stayed calm and cool. Then he moved away. Now he's back, and his mean streak is out in full force. I thought that perhaps we could be friendly for the sake of our kids and our new grandbaby, but that is NOT going to be the case. It makes me very sad, but I still hope that one day he will come around and start acting human again. However by that time, I may just not be interested in any kind of a relationship with him...at all. He's being a real A**.


It's not a road I would have chosen for myself, that's for sure....although finding out what kind of man my H really is, has made it easier to accept the fact that it's over, I have no regrets other than the fact that I lost a best friend.


Take care, and please think about this. I wish you wouldn't do it.


benska




Edited 8/5/2010 8:08 pm ET by benska2003
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 8:39am

Good Morning Little,


I just want to say to you that the guilt you feel is your conscience telling you that this is wrong and to stop.


You need to try and pull yourself up out of the "high" for just 2 minutes and fast forward yourself into 1 year from now and how your life might be if in fact you do have a Dday...


I guess the only reason I keep posting back to your posts is that you keep saying how much you love your H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 10:36am

How can you possibly say your marriage is "solid" if you are betraying it? An affair and "solid marriage" do not go together. They are diametrically opposed. Now, you husband may think it's solid. But you, obviously, are not. And I'm not saying this to berate you. I'm just speaking the truth. Listen to what people are telling you on here. Yes, this is a support board, and you will find plenty of that. But you will also find people who will tell it like it really is, not all hearts and flowers.

Some of the people on this board are in unhappy marriages and are using an affair to escape them. Some are in them because they just fell in love with someone else and now don't know what to do, and others are simply just love and sex addicts that always need to have that high of screwing around. Why they ever get married, I have no idea. Maybe they need the security, despite the pleasure they get from shatting all over that security by cheating. Who knows. The bottom line is that if you truly love your husband and your marriage as much as you claim, you have to face the harsh reality that should your husband find out about all of your extra-curricular activites, that just may be the end of it. Some people forgive. Many do not. Especially men. Is this what you want? Divorce? Ruined home? If it isn't, then instead of trying to figure out how to handle the guilt, you should be focusing on walking away from this disastrous situation.

Guilt is your subconscious telling you that what you are doing is wrong and goes against all of your values. And living in opposition of our values makes us spiritually sick. You simply CANNOT have peace of mind and an adultrous affair at the same time. You can try. Many have. But eventually, the proverbial sh*t will hit the fan. If I were you, I would SERIOUSLY take a look in the mirror. And then act accordingly.

I'm sorry, but you asked.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 12:11pm

Silly~


This has got to be the very best posts on this board that I have ever read.


Thank You!


W