How do I know if it's ME or HIM or US?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2010
How do I know if it's ME or HIM or US?
4
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 8:33am

Hi Everyone,

Hope that you're all doing well and hanging in there. I've been doing a lot of lurking these days, mostly because I don't want to think about things, or deal with them. Been doing a lot of reading on the subject of affairs... trying to sort out what's going on in my head.

I have a question for everyone, one I've been pondering as I realize that I am coming - quickly - to a crossroad, and I MUST make a decision. H and I have had our differences, but he's been making some effort to work on our marriage. AP desperately wants to start a new life with me. (H does not know about AP.) I feel like I need to pick one or the other and commit whole-heartedly.

So my question... how can I tell if this is about me, him, or us? What I mean is... how can I know if having an affair is something ingrained in me personally - that I have some crazy need that I will always be looking to fill and nothing anyone does will ever be enough? Or is it clear there is something missing in my marriage that I'm getting from AP? I realize there IS something missing from my M... I don't feel like an adult, like a sexy, confident woman, the way AP makes me feel... but what if that's what marriage is about? Simply the comfort and security of someone else? I do love my H, but I can't imagine not feeling the way AP makes me feel ever again. I'm afraid if I stay in my M, I will wind up cheating again with someone else. I'm afraid if I leave, I'll be walking away from the best marriage life could offer me.

Thanks so much.

Abby

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 10:29am

Hi Abby

I don't have any advice but I just wanted you to know I completely understand what you mean.
I have been in a relationship for 7 years with a man I love and want to marry. He is wonderful, treats me well, we are best friends, and have so much fun together. It's comfortable, secure, loving, and I can't imagine my life without him.
At the same time though, I am now on my 3rd A in our relationship. I don't understand if it is something about ME, like I will always have the urge to cheat, no matter who I am with, or if it is indicative of a problem in my relationship. The thing is, even if I were to leave my BF and somehow be with my AP, I am almost certain I would still end up cheating on my AP!
So I'm totally stuck. I kind of think that most of the time, marriages become that 'comfortable and secure place' at the cost of feeling sexy and desired, and that is why we turn to As, in order to feel wanted and desired again.
I think though, that in the end, we would feel the same with our APs, comfy and secure, which would then lead us to seek ANOTHER A.
I am terrified that if I walked away from my BF, I would lose the love of my life and my best friend but then sometimes I am scared that I am with the wrong person. Ugh.

So anyway, I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer because I am in a very similar position of wondering about this and my motivations for As.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 11:49am

I'm reading a really good book right now regarding A's (the name escapes me, but I'll check later).

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 07-07-2010 - 3:51pm

I think you're right to question this abby. It's a legitimate worry. I have had three A's in my long term marriage. There was always something missing in my M, but I sometimes actually wonder if I deliberately married my H, knowing that something was missing, as an "excuse" to cheat eventually. I know I didn't do it consciously, but maybe subconsciously. I don't know. If I had married any of my previous boyfriends (to my H) would I have cheated on them too? I think if I'm being perfectly honest, I'd have to say yes, I would have. My A's have to do with ME more than anything or anyone else. If I really wanted to get to the heart of it, I would have to get counseling. If you want to know for sure your own motivations, and whether you're likely to repeat patterns, you should get counseling. It could help you from repeating your destructive patterns.

Of course this isn't true for everyone, but if you suspect that it might be true for you, you should investigate further.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 8:13pm
If you ask me about myself ,I know I will cheat on whichever woman I marry .
" Once a cheater always a cheater " is so true .

Btw , I dont think you should be so confused as to whom to choose between H and AP . You should choose anyone other than your H ,because as you said you are with your H for comfort & security only but that is not a good reason .

There has to be love , the point is you wouldn't be in an affair if you loved your H . It is obvious .


So choose a partner whom you can love too ,besides his other plus points .

Best of luck