How do I tell DH that I'm going?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
How do I tell DH that I'm going?
28
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 10:47am
Thanks to all who helped with my fuzzy thinking post. If you read that you know that I want to leave, but I don't have a concrete "reason."


Edited 6/14/2010 1:38 pm ET by weagle87

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 1:00pm
Sorry -- no magic words to offer. I just used blunt honesty w/ my STBX (about my "reason") when I asked for the separation -- "I'm not in love with you" (SO cliche' I know! -- but true). No matter what words you think of -- it feels like it an impossible task to actually get them out of your mouth... But, somehow I did -- as do other MW & MM every day (judging from the 50% divorce rate in this country). Sorry, don't know the details about your situation -- I'm an old poster on this board that comes back every once in awhile to see if any other "old timers" are still around & to throw out my 2 cents (for what it's worth) to some of the "newbies" if I feel my view might help. As I am now mostly at he "After the Affair" board & over at the November Expecting Board (AP's baby)... Anyway, I too chose to "give up the house" to STBX, I thought it would be A LOT harder to move out of the 7,200 sq. ft. "Dream House" I had designed & that STBX & I had spent 3 yrs building (and as "owner/builder" -- I had A LOT of personal "blood, sweat & tears" invested in it!) & left that to move into a 700 sq. ft. apt. -- but guess what? Missed it for the 1st week or so, but, LOVED "Finally" having my own "personal" space where I NEVER had to deal with the tension of being in the same house w/ STBX anymore, never had to "make excuses" to get out of the house to spend time w/ AP, could finally leave my phone out in the open & not "worry" about it (not kidding) being seen/checked/answered by STBX, etc... All the things that make being married & in an A so stress full --all just "dissapeared". Not, to say that it was all "easy" dealing w/ ending the M -- or the realities of seeing how a real life relationship would work w/ AP. But, I DO NOT regret my decision one bit!!! And, I too have 2 kids (8 & 4), so, I too struggled w/ STBX being upset that I would actually "leave them"-- I told STBX "No, I will NEVER leave my kids! I am only leaving "you", I have no intention of not being with my kids!" Anyway, (so far) I am content to say I am glad that I went w/ my "gut" & ended the M -- as not only am "I" much happier as a person & in my daily life (& yes, I am still with AP & now am actually living with him, as we are now expecting a baby). But, STBX is also VERY happy with HIS girlfriend & they plan on getting married next year!!! And yes -- even the kids are doing fine... SO, "go with you gut" & say what you feel needs to be said -- you'll "breathe a little easier" once you get past this biggest step & start working toward the rest of your life...
BBC
Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 1:09pm

Nothing works better than being direct-- no beating around the bush.It is not easy when the spouse is trying to make it better but you gotta be firm and stick to your decision.Tough decisions are always tough to make.

Magic words are - be direct,honest and firm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 3:25pm
Ah - ha. 


Edited 6/14/2010 1:39 pm ET by weagle87
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 3:29pm

I feel your pain; since H and I supposedly decided we'd separate as soon as I got a job, he's been trying really hard to be everything he thinks I want him to be.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 5:33pm

As long as you are leaving for you, because your M makes you so miserable that even if there were no AP, and never would be again, that being alone is preferable than being in the M, then you can honestly say that you need to leave.


One of the hardest things I had to do was tell XH that I didn't want to try anymore. I had already broken up with XAP because I wanted to be sure I gave my M everything I had and that he was not influencing the outcome. Within weeks I was sure that my M was over.


It's not easy, that's for sure, and you will feel guilty, sad, maybe even feel like you should go back. But ultimately, like the other posters said, it allows your H to move on and find someone who is crazy about him. We all deserve that. Don't let your H guilt you into staying. If you've done everything you could, and it is still awful and unbearable..you can do it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 7:45pm

Yes, I was ready to go a year ago (got dog instead), five months ago (had spring break instead), and three months ago, right before I met AP, and about one month ago (before AP convinced me to do the family vacation thing for the girls).  I've never been on my own.  Always lived with extreme judgmentalism, from family first then from H.  Therapist knows I'm ready to go.  Kinda think I will upset AP when I go b/c he knows how much hurt divorce causes.  But he wasn't married that long;  maybe he doesn't know how much hurt marriage can cause. 

The renewed attentiveness is troubling, but really - do I really think that it's genuine?  It's grasping at straws.  I will get that lawyer.  I will call my friend who will let me stay with her till I find an apartment.

Long time ago, I had DD problems and ivillage was so helpful.  Y'all are wonderful.  Thanks.




Edited 6/14/2010 1:40 pm ET by weagle87
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2010
Sat, 06-12-2010 - 11:07pm
After reading your earlier posts my question was already answered


Edited 6/13/2010 7:42 am ET by discreetboston
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2010
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 1:25am

In regards to the book "When Good People Have Affairs"...the author (Mira Kirshenbaum) also

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 10:39am

I think you should just be honest & truthful tell him you have never loved him at all , now you are dumping him & you have met an amazing partner who you love madly .
Let him know how he stands nowhere in sex & passion as compared to your lover & how your husband's touch gives you creep .
Try to be as blatant , insulting & hurtful as you can . Trust me that will be good for both of you . That way he wouldn't have the courage to bother you for reconsidering your decison . And honestly you know you wouldn't be lying to him if you say above things . And dont tell me you really dont want to hurt him , you have alreday done that so just be honest about that .

Btw I dont mean to sound rude but from your posts your husband sounds like a loser . why I am saying that ? Because only a loser can get cheated on & then get dumped by his wife ?
Take care

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 11:25am

Well, that wasn't very helpful...

Only a loser can get cheated on and then dumped?? Come on now, are you just trying to stir the pot?

Trying to be as insulting and hurtful as you can is not something I would recommend. If I weren't cl I would "ignore" your posts so I wouldn't see them. Because I have a responsibility to see everything, I won't do that, but I will "ignore" simply by not responding from now on.

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