how do we really know the truth ????
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| Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:07am |
hi ive posted here before, but mainly a lurker. Some quick background, im m and so is my AP we both have children. We have been in the affair for around 18 months. We connect at all levels, have daily contact via text, im etc. and tend to see each others for a few hours every week, and although occasionally we do get a room, our relationship is definatly not evolved around sex alone.
My ap is forever praising me, we have long hearty discussions about issues deep and meanigfull to us and our lives. We discuss everything and anything and he always makes me feel a million dollars. We are very open and honest about our feelings and he often tells me that he would marry me at a drop of a hat, and that if i ever become single then he would have to do anything to be with me. We have discussed being together but im as adamant as he is about leaving our families, me because of personal issues at home surrounding my children and him because of financial reasons, saying that he wouldnt want to put a financial strain on his spouse or have the children suffer financial loss because of his own mistakes, and that he couldnt afford to keep himself and support his family separatly, this is fine and suits us both. He is a fantastic guy and his outlook on life is very similar to mine.
my question is how how do we know that what our ap's tell us is the truth?, how do we show them that we mean what we say? so much of A is based on trust, without that is it worth the A. My Ap sounded distraught after i told him i had a day on my own with my thoughts, when asked why he sounded that way, his reply was 'you havnt been thinking of dumping me have you', it was so sweet but then made me realise, how do we show what we say, and vice versa.
Its so difficult, trusting someone when your not in their lives 24/7, but trust we must for without that wouldnt we send ourselves insane.
Just wanted to voice my thoughts, thanks for reading

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" my question is how how do we know that what our ap's tell us is the truth?, " No way except having a spy on him ! What they tell you about their home life being unbearable ,it could be a role model in real, they telling you no sex life at home could in pure honesty be wild at home and you are adding some spice to it!
When i was wanting to having an A,pure sexual A , one guy said he was divorced.I was happy and thought myself lucky but he got caught off guard and only then i knew he was M ! I was not too much emotionally invested but it still hurt.
Except for hiring a private detective to find out about the true nature of their home life,there is no way to know the truth.
JMO.
i understand where you are comming from, but then again what about us, for eg. I am married too and although i know im totaly honest and open to him, doesnt he have the right to question me too?? its not always about us is it? what about their perspectives, some of them may not come forward with their thoughts as reading these boards has highlighted, but what about them having the rights to question us and what we say or do, this could be wether we are single, married, or whatever.
that is why i say trust, if their is no trust then what, I do trust my ap, that is what i have to do for this to work for me, and i know that he trusts me, but at the beginning of the relationship we often said to each other we have to beleive in what we say, because sometimes that is all we can have for the relationship to work from both parties.
their is never any guarantees, even in 'normal' relationships their are no guarantees, from either parties.
I was just trying to see in which ways other ap's try and show and prove to their ap that what they say is what they mean, without going down the ultimate route of leaving partners to be together.
again just voicing my thoughts.
SS x
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
Leaving a M to prove would be asking for too much,IMO.There are as many reasons for not leaving a bad M as having A's.I am sure you know that.Staying in your M for some reason and committing your love to another is possible ,not easy.
As for proving , stick to your committment to your AP ,i wonder if that is possible ! Keep promises, go out of your way to do things, dont play games as AP's usually catch up with them, sooner or later ! If caught,be there , rather than throwing under the bus, dont judge,accept their failures , dont become nagging as they might have one at home already else they wont be coming to you.Try to find what is missing in AP's M , give that if you can , etc.etc.
All these are little things but they all come with a tinge of uncertainity and doubt.
They say its in the eyes! but some can learn to fake it.
del
Edited 11/25/2008 9:37 pm ET by tygerzize
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Well I don't trust men. It is hard to even trust my spouse. Yet some of the red lights that go off about married men are the things they continue to say. Like:
If you were single I would be knocking at your door.
OKAY hold on your married so no you would not.
You know I really like you, and want you? Code for yeah I want you and I like you for when the time is right for me.
Or I had a dream about us last night. Okay we have never been together at all, but next comes I want to come and see you. HMMMM I am guessing the dream was really good.
Now this is why I don't trust him because he made vows to the one he married. Yet, he wants to drive all over to come and see me! He is lying to her. What makes me think he will not lie to me as well? I am not better than she is.......because she puts up with him....when clearly I can't. When I cheated it was with a single guy....he knew he was my 24 yr old boy toy I made it clear from the start that I was looking for one thing only.
Just stand by and look with open eyes at what he says to you. If someone were truely unhappy in a marriage they would try to end it, and guess what it would not take years. Most divorces are 60 days. So, I am sorry but the whole affair idea is a lie, so why would you trust someone who is in that?
Be careful don't get hurt.
Wow, you are jaded.
I do know where you're coming from about trust. I have an issue with all men touching me or being close to me at the moment and the single exception is AP. I don't have any trust, respect or faith in my H any more I guess I don't totally trust my AP either, because I can't be there to catch his lies, if he's telling any. My gut instinct most of the time is that he is honest with me and I've found that when I feel he isn't being entirely truthful, it's because he's internally conflicted himself, meaning he doesn't know what is true. I have not caught him lying to me about anything. After all, there is nothing that is true right or real, just our ability to perceive these things.
As for your comment about if they were truly unhappy in their M they would try to end it. This board has dozens of stories about why people choose to stay despite incredible unhappiness. Sometimes an individual's happiness isn't the only consideration, especailly if there are children, then their stability and happiness has to be put first for a time.
Pisces
Edited 11/23/2008 8:51 pm ET by pisces2008
Edited 11/12/2008 6:53 pm ET by shesant
Of course we lie within a A. we are lying to our spouses, but that doesnt necessarily mean that their can be no trust betweeen one person and their ap. Their are lots of issues and debates on why people dont leave their partners to be with their ap. Many of the reasons do involve children, finances, disrupt, but at the end of the day i do beleive staying in a situation that you unhappy with for the sake of whatever reason can be just as difficult as being in affair land. I trust where my ap is comming from, but only because i beleive the same of my own situaion. Like it or not, coward or not, i dont wish to disrupt my homelife for my kids sake. So as my ap states the same then i trust his word and what he says to me. Sometimes we are just afraid of stepping away from our comfort zone its true, but whatever the reasons it doesnt indicate that they are lying to us, and just because we are lying to our partners doesnt indicate we are lying to our ap's too. Yes what we do is not morally right, but every situation is unique, every person is different, so who am i to generalise to all affairs. I do beleive that many affairs dont work out because many do start without emotions, and then emotions start getting involved and lust, love, need, all get confused into the bargain.
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
del
Edited 11/25/2008 9:38 pm ET by tygerzize
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
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