how do we really know the truth ????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
how do we really know the truth ????
44
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:07am

hi ive posted here before, but mainly a lurker. Some quick background, im m and so is my AP we both have children. We have been in the affair for around 18 months. We connect at all levels, have daily contact via text, im etc. and tend to see each others for a few hours every week, and although occasionally we do get a room, our relationship is definatly not evolved around sex alone.


My ap is forever praising me, we have long hearty discussions about issues deep and meanigfull to us and our lives. We discuss everything and anything and he always makes me feel a million dollars. We are very open and honest about our feelings and he often tells me that he would marry me at a drop of a hat, and that if i ever become single then he would have to do anything to be with me. We have discussed being together but im as adamant as he is about leaving our families, me because of personal issues at home surrounding my children and him because of financial reasons, saying that he wouldnt want to put a financial strain on his spouse or have the children suffer financial loss because of his own mistakes, and that he couldnt afford to keep himself and support his family separatly, this is fine and suits us both. He is a fantastic guy and his outlook on life is very similar to mine.


my question is how how do we know that what our ap's tell us is the truth?, how do we show them that we mean what we say? so much of A is based on trust, without that is it worth the A. My Ap sounded distraught after i told him i had a day on my own with my thoughts, when asked why he sounded that way, his reply was 'you havnt been thinking of dumping me have you', it was so sweet but then made me realise, how do we show what we say, and vice versa.


Its so difficult, trusting someone when your not in their lives 24/7, but trust we must for without that wouldnt we send ourselves insane.


Just wanted to voice my thoughts, thanks for reading


"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 7:29am

tygerzize, i have a question for you ( i am on the board already but asking this with a different name, ).You are now in an A with no sex which makes it an emotional affair,right? How do you cope with the 'no sex'? i mean , dont you desire him sexually or you are controlling yourself to not cross that line or it was because of your break-up? I am struggling myself.I am the single one and he is married ,we used to have sex often but now its getting less frequent for some reasons.how do you control your urges if he excites you sexually? if he doesnt,then thats a different thing but i get horny at night and he is the one i fantasize about.I am dating on the side,without his knowledge but its just the lunches and dinners.
What makes you stay committed to him and not look for someone who is single and available?What if you do meet someone , its a long road!

i have asked a lot of personal questions, but the answers might help me!

Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:33am
I am not angry but it is a fact that when many of the affairs come to an end the end result is always the realization that someone didn't care for them as much as they stated. Look at the End of Affair board. If it was not that person who ended it then it was the other party. It is just a fact. That does not mean all will end that way. Yet most of them will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 9:26am
speaking of trust, my AP said that to me yestarday. he trusts me with his life, i know his deep dark secrets, i trust him just the same. in an affair you have to trust the other person. then if there's love, trust to let those feelings happen. with it may come pain, but the joy of love and passion rises above all the rest. enjoy the time, and those special moments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 10:55am

Most women in affairs feel that their AP is being honest with them

love
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:08am

A thought .. just because he doesnt say anything bad about his M doesnt mean that its a perfect M with no problems, else he wont be hanging out with you.It could be in his personality to go quiet on issues.

lovemenow,

What kind of A are you in? EA or PA? if none, choose another board as people on here are adults and i guess they know what they are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:28am
you are trusting that person with your deepest darkest secrets. to me that's trust.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:09pm

del




Edited 11/25/2008 9:40 pm ET by tygerzize

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:11pm
i understand where you are coming from and are sure on to something with that..i often read the boards and after my incident with XAP..started to question..why am i making this hard? dont i love this man seperate of what else goes on in his life? love feels good to me....some people can handle it some learn how to and some absolutely go bizerk(SP)...
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:13pm
yup, as well as i know mine's deep secrets and when i say i wouldnt tell...i wouldn't tell....just gotta trust
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:18pm

you know what..i never really thought of it that way...that's a thought to ponder...really...i always think of his marriage as some sort of thing that he's content in..get me...but what you say may be true...he may not wanna burden me with what goes on in his home..maybe he does find, even through my spoildness and tantrums (which is what he calls it cause he laughs most of the time and thinks its cute), being with me some sort of escape..i wouldn't know but, i do trust him....he has no reason to lie to me...about anything..and he knows i haven't lied to him..he's been in, out, up and down, my friends family co workers..people who love me...


but..what you say is something to think about..not that thinking his marriage isn't perfect would make me feel any better..may even make me feel worse about loving him...and him getting love from me and being in love with me..because i know he has daughters..and a wife who has every reason to love him...but, i just didn't even put my mind there....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss