how do we really know the truth ????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
how do we really know the truth ????
44
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:07am

hi ive posted here before, but mainly a lurker. Some quick background, im m and so is my AP we both have children. We have been in the affair for around 18 months. We connect at all levels, have daily contact via text, im etc. and tend to see each others for a few hours every week, and although occasionally we do get a room, our relationship is definatly not evolved around sex alone.


My ap is forever praising me, we have long hearty discussions about issues deep and meanigfull to us and our lives. We discuss everything and anything and he always makes me feel a million dollars. We are very open and honest about our feelings and he often tells me that he would marry me at a drop of a hat, and that if i ever become single then he would have to do anything to be with me. We have discussed being together but im as adamant as he is about leaving our families, me because of personal issues at home surrounding my children and him because of financial reasons, saying that he wouldnt want to put a financial strain on his spouse or have the children suffer financial loss because of his own mistakes, and that he couldnt afford to keep himself and support his family separatly, this is fine and suits us both. He is a fantastic guy and his outlook on life is very similar to mine.


my question is how how do we know that what our ap's tell us is the truth?, how do we show them that we mean what we say? so much of A is based on trust, without that is it worth the A. My Ap sounded distraught after i told him i had a day on my own with my thoughts, when asked why he sounded that way, his reply was 'you havnt been thinking of dumping me have you', it was so sweet but then made me realise, how do we show what we say, and vice versa.


Its so difficult, trusting someone when your not in their lives 24/7, but trust we must for without that wouldnt we send ourselves insane.


Just wanted to voice my thoughts, thanks for reading


"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:21pm

How do we really know the truth?

Easy answer - we don't. But I choose to believe my AP doesn't actively lie to me. He has no real reason to, Do I trust him? As much as I can trust anyone, and that's a huge amount less than I used to. I have doubts and so does AP, but we choose to talk about them.

It's all individual perception, how we internalise what another is saying anyway - there is no such thing as truth.

Truth and trust are interchangeable in this discussion. IMO, it's about open communication with the other party.

Pisces




Edited 11/23/2008 8:55 pm ET by pisces2008
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:25pm

del




Edited 11/25/2008 9:46 pm ET by tygerzize

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 9:44pm
we trust one another with our life as we know it----i mean come on--u are giving the person in the A the ability to destroy your M if that person chose to.
it means something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 7:13am

Thanks tygerzize!

Whew! arent you lucky to have such an adoring AP! I guess if he is doing all this stuff then he has probably forgiven you.let it go,hun (( hugs )).
After reading all your posts( i have been following ), i dont think any other guy will measure up to your AP,lol!

I am wanting my AP to leave his M and be with me.I want a definite future.I am dating behind his back.Dont you want to get married and have him forever? You seem to be satisfied with status quo!

Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 2:16pm

Shesant-


I totally, 100% agree with your post! Hellujeah!


My background being that my AP is lying about his marital status - I am very sensitive to this subject and probably more bias then some.


I have met and made some truly wonderful married people on this board that are having affairs.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 2:28pm

Even though I have these strong opinions on affairs - I still cannot help but feel the way I do for AP.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 2:34pm

tygerziz -


"


if you are in an A, how do you PERCEIVE your AP, i look at mine through love, with love and by love...i do trust him and i believe he's truthful to me...there's no reason for this man to do any of the things he does for me and my child..no reason for him to be here for me like he is..i've never made him feel guilty..no strings..we have no children together and my son is grown..he's come into his life while he's grown...no reason for him to request friendship through the breakup BY an attractive woman who very well could have ANYONE, younger than he.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sat, 11-15-2008 - 8:35am

Your question is very genuine and is something to think about while in an A but we usually dont till its too late! Trust is something you either do or dont. People are either trustworthy or they arent.Its not right to dump people having A's into the 'untrustworthy' bin right away as well.its very likely that they trusted the person they M and somewhere down the road the SO lost their trust and enters AP who seems trustworthy.

I would say ,trust ,but with a grain of salt! What AP's say may or may not be true but you keep your eyes and ears open.Better to be cautious than repent later!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Sat, 11-15-2008 - 10:00am

thankyou, and i agree with what you say. But also in A land we cant don anything but trust, the relationship is difficult as it is. As for the many arguments about AP's lying to their

"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Sat, 11-15-2008 - 10:22am
The truth is we try to make ourselves believe what we need to believe. It doesn't matter whom we are talking about people will try to justify their actions. A killer will kill because he thinks he has the right. The right was true and valid to him. People are run by their emotions, sometimes our hearts lie to us more than any person ever could.