how do we really know the truth ????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
how do we really know the truth ????
44
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:07am

hi ive posted here before, but mainly a lurker. Some quick background, im m and so is my AP we both have children. We have been in the affair for around 18 months. We connect at all levels, have daily contact via text, im etc. and tend to see each others for a few hours every week, and although occasionally we do get a room, our relationship is definatly not evolved around sex alone.


My ap is forever praising me, we have long hearty discussions about issues deep and meanigfull to us and our lives. We discuss everything and anything and he always makes me feel a million dollars. We are very open and honest about our feelings and he often tells me that he would marry me at a drop of a hat, and that if i ever become single then he would have to do anything to be with me. We have discussed being together but im as adamant as he is about leaving our families, me because of personal issues at home surrounding my children and him because of financial reasons, saying that he wouldnt want to put a financial strain on his spouse or have the children suffer financial loss because of his own mistakes, and that he couldnt afford to keep himself and support his family separatly, this is fine and suits us both. He is a fantastic guy and his outlook on life is very similar to mine.


my question is how how do we know that what our ap's tell us is the truth?, how do we show them that we mean what we say? so much of A is based on trust, without that is it worth the A. My Ap sounded distraught after i told him i had a day on my own with my thoughts, when asked why he sounded that way, his reply was 'you havnt been thinking of dumping me have you', it was so sweet but then made me realise, how do we show what we say, and vice versa.


Its so difficult, trusting someone when your not in their lives 24/7, but trust we must for without that wouldnt we send ourselves insane.


Just wanted to voice my thoughts, thanks for reading


"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sat, 11-15-2008 - 10:38am

del




Edited 11/25/2008 9:47 pm ET by tygerzize

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sat, 11-15-2008 - 10:41am

i guess i just trust him..it's easy to pick apart what someone says and use what you think you need to benefit your point..but remember he is XAP we are not initmate and he has no reason for being here doing the things he does...trust me he would not invest as much as he does emotionally, materialistically, mentally to too many folks...#1 noone has all that in them #2 he doesn't have THAT much money #3 he's older he just doesn't LOVE EVERYONE.


i trust him

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sat, 11-15-2008 - 1:20pm

Wow tygerzize ! Your man has you all drugged up,lol ! Really, your posts are so intoxicated with his essence! I hope it works out for you.

I love mine a lot as well and this is on for a year now.He has been giving dates about filing D,but nothing as yet and its nearly end of year! i am going to give myself a time line as i want to start a family of my own.

How long are you going to wait for him to leave? have you given him an ultimatum? if he doesnt leave his M and wants to have his cake and eat it too?

Thanks in advance! your situation is helping me a lot .
((((hugs))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 8:31am

" who has every reason to love him..." How can you be sure she loves him?? Many put up appearences to save a M from falling apart.
When i said about his going quiet on issues,i didnt mean his not trying to make you burdened etc.It may have nothing to do with you.I meant, he might be sucking it up and him being comitted has left him with no choice but to say that his M is fine.
What she may love about him is his comittment.but guess what? When one spouse ( here the W)knows that the other ( your guy ) is not leaving in any case ( the commitment), she will not treat him nice,walk all over him ,get it? He will be taken as granted.you know when people are taken for granted,what happens? i am sure you do. That completely explains the reason for his A,to me. He has formed an emotional bond with you which will help in any way, i dont know.
You? how long will you be satisfied as being his 'friend'?

This commitment kinda people always end up unhappy as they put others before them and suck up there own life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 3:41pm

Lost


I think you are being totally realistic.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 11:25pm

del




Edited 11/25/2008 9:48 pm ET by tygerzize

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 11:37pm

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 4:37am

tygerzize,

" he very well may be taking for granted that i love him and i aint going anywhere..maybe that's why he's patient in being with me..he probably fully embraces how i feel about him and the love i have for him which tells him that he "always has me.. "

All i have read in your posts is his commitment to you ,so how does this stated above complies to you? Its you who is taking him for granted.Despite of your treating him crappy and not even asking for forgiveness ( or have you ? your spoiled brat attitude, your words,not mine!), its again he who is sucking it up.Wont be long before he dumps you forever,again for this attitude that he is taking you for granted even though its the opposite.

It will be easier for him to dump you than his M.Anyone who is taken for granted ,usually the commitment kind, knows whats happening,just waits for the right time which may come late in his life and then they hate you( even now,who knows?).You are taking advantage of his way at looking/handling things and his situation,like it or not.

i am sure,he resents you for treating him no different than his W. why should he leave her when you are giving him same as her and asking the same from him what she does??

What 'funky' said is very correct from your 'friends'situation ,it doesnt apply to 'you'.Put yourself in his shoes,then treat him the way you believe is right, which might be late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 8:21am

Another thought for you to ponder over..

You say that he has never said anything bad about his W or M ,so you conclude that his W loves him and he is content in his M. You accept that you have not treated him with respect,etc. and treated bad.Did he go and say anything bad about you to someone? No ( you claim so), did he come and confront you ? No( you never said so ).Right so far. But you know the inside of your R with him.So, the same with his W and M.

This brings me to the conclusion that its not in him to go and confront or foul mouth anyone,W or you or anyone for that matter.But what he must have in him is to close down internally.Thats what he must have done with W ( hence A with you ) and since you did more or less the same ,hence outing out on you too.

This should clear up your confusion and see him through a different light.You may love him but you are asking too much of sacrifice from him.Or maybe you are over-confident?

Wake up !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 9:09am

del




Edited 11/25/2008 9:51 pm ET by tygerzize

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss