How do you cope with coming in 2nd?
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| Tue, 04-28-2009 - 10:09am |
AP and I went from a FWB to recently admitting we are in love.
I am having a really hard time knowing that I come after his family stuff. Even though I know I should. AP was away last week on business,we were supposed to get together today, but he has sports with his son the next two nights and will have to wait until Thursday. Granted, not forever, but I miss him so much and I am really struggling lately with "coming in second." I know this is the nature of the whole thing, but I'm a person who rarely settles in life and am finding it really difficult to now have to settle. I am also struggling with just being happy with the time we do have together, missing him after he is gone and back to his "real life." I am also the kind of person who wants what she wants/a goal orientated person and I usually get it/work for it. I know neither of these can apply to the situation, but the rules of an A are not real conducive to how I have lived my life. He has no clue I feel this way. I am really struggling with this.
So my question is, how do you do it? How do you all cope with being 2nd? How do you be happy with the time you do have together while wanting more?

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Hi heaven!
Again-we seem to parallel much about our A's & our life within them.
Short answer: I am NOT happy with coming in second. But my AP does his best to not make me feel that way. I definately come in second to his job. But I think that is the way he is with EVERYONE-including his W. He is the sole support for his household.
He tells me I feel more like "family"-a closer connection to him, than his W does. He does his best to make me a priority. He comes down my way EVERY week-no matter how exhausted or ill he is. Its amazing!
However-no I don't get to be the one he comes home to EVERY night. And that is hard. Although I know with some certainty that he & his W don't share the same bedroom & haven't for many years, I still hate the fact that -technically & legally-she has the "rights". and I don't. He feels the same about my M. But there isn't anything we can do about it at this moment.
There will be a time in June when we won't be able to see each other that week. It is a work issue & I cannot go with him to his adult married daughter's home (even though she knows OF me) & celebrate her birthday with him, & he cannot come to my home & celebrate with me any and all celebration we have had over the last 8 months.- So in essence-no matter the feelings-we still come in 2nd in the "real World" of ours.
I try like hell to keep particularly busy when that happens. No-doesn't always work. Sometimes I remember the person I am & as independent as I feel I am -I tell myself I don't need to have him here all the time-I wouldn't if this was a traditional R. That usually helps.
But you are right...I always say the same thing: This is the Nature Of The Beast Of this kind of Relationship.
((hugs))
Starsong
Hi Heaven,
I am sorry this is bothering you. I am not sure there really is a way to cope with beign second. It is what it is...and from the sound of it this is not something you are used to in your life. I would let AP know how you feel, he may think you are fine with it all. He may step up a little and try to make more of an effort. Also I think you have to decide in the long run how long can you deal with this, I wish I could say it will get easier, but in all reality it may not.
so true, cubbie.
it is what it is. and the sooner you can accept that - and tell yourself that second place in his day-to-day is not the same as second place in his heart - the sooner you will get off the Big Coaster and on the Little Coaster. maybe even the Lazy River, but there are few of those.
Mrs.
Sigh....I know both of you are right.
Thank you for your support and thoughtful advice.
I did speak with him a few months ago, telling him I felt that we didn't have enough communication, he was very apologetic and seemed very sincere, and said he assumed that was the way I wanted it. Since then he either calls, texts or emails me almost every day. I suppose I should be somewhat content with that. lol What is the big issue is when he cant see me because he has family stuff to do. I know, that ABSOLUTELY should come first....But I guess the underlying issue of it is, it reminds me of my place in his world.
I dont want to tell him about this because I dont want to seem needy.(I am already also struggling with feeling needy in this A, it is something that is unfamiliar to me)
Not to beat a dead horse, (lol) I TOTALLY hear what your saying, but how do I learn/try to learn to accept this? I am already struggling with how much longer I can deal with this.
And Mrs., would you mind expanding on your thought "that second place in his day-to-day is not the same as second place in his heart."
Thanks Again & (Hugs)
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in my own day-to-day, i put my family first. that includes my DH because he is my family, father to my children. i chose to spend my time with them because they deserve that and they want that. actually they want me to spend my time on *doing things* for them - and i do.
but if you asked me where i wanted to be? if everything were equal and they didn't need me? i would be out the door with MM. or my fondest fantasy is I would have him be part of my children's lives.
yes that's a fantasy.
Mrs.
Hi heaven,
I struggled with the same issues in my A. He said I was first in his heart, but in real life it's impossible for an AP to really come in first, their RL family always ends up coming first. I couldn't accept it so I ended my A after 3 years. The notion of being 'first in his heart' only just wasn't good enough for me.
hugs
trixie
The only way to really cope is to come up with a rationale one can live with. IMO, all
At least she is coming in second for the family.
I couldn't cope.
OK-I can only speak from what I know & feel with My AP & the R we have & what we have discussed:
His W had a talk with him that he related to me last week. She implied that if what makes her H happy is to be in an A than that is fine. NOT grounds for D. She loves him and accepts him for who he is. (whoa!)
Believe it or not--that is NOT ok for me NOR Him! He believes-as I do-that if one professes love for someone, you DO NOT give them permission to cheat! As I told him, I WOULD NOT be ok if he chose Another AP while being with me. We are not in a PA Only situation. It is also very much emotional, & very loving.
Saying that-I would tell your friend that obviously, that woman doesn't REALLY love or care for him if she would be so willing to allow you in her "home" with "her man". Now that's just a little "kinky". Not meaning to be judgemental-I know its a lifestyle choice for some-BUT since you're here & posing the problem, its obviously not YOUR lifestyle choice. And you have to come to terms with the fact that if its HIS & he thinks its just a dandy idea-well then, I'm afraid to say that it sounds like he only requires you for the physical aspects and not so much the emotional. Does that make sense?
However-I understand COMPLETELY how heart-wrenching it can be when someone you care much about & have "fallen for" does something you consider hurtful. I also understand (COMPLETELY) the confusion when you don't feel like you have a leg to stand on coming from the position of ones Married Lover.
Bottom line (sorry for the length of this)- do what is Good for YOU! If this is unacceptable, then proceed with the grieving process, & move on. - Hope that doesn't sound harsh. Its only my 2cents & I don't claim to be a professional advice giver-on any level. Only sharing my thoughts from my experience & my feelings.
I wish you the best of luck--
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