How do you cope with coming in 2nd?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
How do you cope with coming in 2nd?
16
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 10:09am

AP and I went from a FWB to recently admitting we are in love.
I am having a really hard time knowing that I come after his family stuff. Even though I know I should. AP was away last week on business,we were supposed to get together today, but he has sports with his son the next two nights and will have to wait until Thursday. Granted, not forever, but I miss him so much and I am really struggling lately with "coming in second." I know this is the nature of the whole thing, but I'm a person who rarely settles in life and am finding it really difficult to now have to settle. I am also struggling with just being happy with the time we do have together, missing him after he is gone and back to his "real life." I am also the kind of person who wants what she wants/a goal orientated person and I usually get it/work for it. I know neither of these can apply to the situation, but the rules of an A are not real conducive to how I have lived my life. He has no clue I feel this way. I am really struggling with this.

So my question is, how do you do it? How do you all cope with being 2nd? How do you be happy with the time you do have together while wanting more?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 9:51pm

I wrote a good message and accidently cancelled it so here I go again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 1:53am

Not sure this is going to help your situation any, but here's the way I've learned to

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 6:16am

<<"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." I take that as this; I want more time with him, but if I were to get that, I'd be desiring something else and spoiling what it was I was once desiring.>>

wow. that makes me want to look up something Midwest Mocha wrote that i saved and re-posted several times. her words always put this dilemma into perspective for me.

back in a few -
Mrs.

first one is Muse and second is Midwest Mocha - i just recycled them last January
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmyaffair/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=52291.1
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmyaffair/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=40936.1




Edited 5/2/2009 6:29 am ET by mrs.smithandjones
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 9:58am

Hi Love, great advice! Your reply helped quite a bit and thank you.

"never put someone 1st in your life if they cannot reciprocate. It's not fair for you to put him 1st when he does not do the same for you. You deserve to get in return what you are giving him." That has really rang true and you are so right.

"I would try be unavailable to him more often, besides, it does feel good to say 'sorry, already have plans' once in a great while." I have already considered this approach, and now I intend to carry it out. Not only would it show him I cant always be there for him like he wants, I feel it may give me some much needed space and to exercise my independence from him and the situation, resulting in maybe not having such a hold on me and me entire life.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." Great saying, so true. Sometimes the more you get the more you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 10:01am

More good stuff....Thank you.

Thank god for this Board and all you wonderful ladies with all your insightful advice and support. I just wish I had some good advice to give others as I have received.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2007
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 8:13pm

Hi HnH:

I cope w being #2 by remembering that, to all outward appearances, I might not matter at all in AP's real life -- but in his heart, I am #1.

Also, I am a MW & am #1 in the lives of several ppl, including my DH. I know he is the one who would be there for me if something happened -- tho AP would certainly be waiting in the wings to help too.

All that pretty stuff aside, there are times when I do feel that AP is far away from me, and that is usually when we are NC bc he is w his GF or we are both busy. It hurts, but over 2 yrs later, I have learned some coping skills, even crying can be soothing if you do not do it longer than a few minutes.

Also...posting here has been of tremendous value.

BTW, today is painful bc he is at a KD party w his LTGF & we had planned to be together tonight -- disappointments are just the nature of this situation

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