How do you deal with this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
How do you deal with this???
4
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 1:23pm
I'm really new here. I have been in love with my MM for several years. He realized that he was in love with me about 4 months ago, and that is when our A started. We became sexually intimate less than a month ago. He has been unhappily married for years and he and his wife are not together that often. However, it drives me insane to think of the two of them together. I am comforted by the thought that it doesn't happen that often, and that he'd rather be with me, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I sometimes think that if he wanted to be with her, it would make it easier for me to deal with, because I truly want him to be happy. However, with things the way are right now, he feels like he's cheating....on me. Now, trying the be the big girl, I remind myself that I knew he was married when we got into this situation. I also knew the reasons that he was going to stay married, for now. I know that its perfectly normal for him to be with his W. So, my question is how do you deal with knowing your MM is sexually intimate with his W??? Does it bother you??? Why or why not??? And if it does, how do you overcome your feelings regarding it???

MM man and I have very open and honest communication between us. I have talked to him about how I feel, but I don't want to constantly be placing guilt on to him because there is technically nothing wrong with his having intimacy with his W. HELP!!!!

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 3:38pm
annika,

i so understand your confusion. I have been in a affair with a MM for over 3 years. The love of my life. I am divorced with children. I love this man and he loves me. He and I are best friends. He is everything i have ever wanted, minus the w. Every aspect of a relationship, emotional, physical, sexual and mental we are all it. We share more time together, more love and more friendship then he does with his w. He tells me all the time if he had a choice I am the women he wants to spend his life with. But he already made a choice and can't hurt her. He avoids her, but yes on occasion they are sexually intimate. Only when it can;t be avoided. Every chance he gets he spends with me. Holidays are hard, I cry quite often. My blood boils quite often, I am jealous very often. But i know he loves me and shares so much with me. I would rather have this then settle for 1/2 of the qualities with someone else full time. I did have full time with my husband and was unhappy. So after all of this the comment to your question, It is the hardest thing to deal with. Heart breaking, gut wrenching, rivers of tears, but I have tried to learn that i deal with it the best by either trying to avoid thinking of it, self talk if you do, like stop thinking of it, and instantly make yourself think of something about him and yourself that makes your heart melt. Many people will not agree, but unless your in my shoes don;t judge. But, he chooses to stay for whatever reasons, but what makes me happy,is this i would rather be me then her anyday. He comes to me when he could be with her. So my heart and my mind tells me he is with me by choice not by commitment. I will never give up on him. My heart and mind hurt so much sometimes, but the good so overwhelms the bad. All the quilt and all the hurt on both sides is so worth loving and being loved by your soulmate. You can't control your heart, but you can control your mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 4:54pm
I completely block all thoughts of it from my mind!! I do not ask. He does not tell.

I know it is a rare occurance for them. I know beyond a doubt that I satisfy him more in EVERY way, not just in bed. I just have the bad luck of not being the mother of his child.

I don't dwell on it. Because, I learned that'll just make you crazy. I'm not *okay* with it. I hate to share ironically enough!! But, I deal with it by basically duping myself into thinking it never happens!! Oh, I *know* it does, but if I think about it too much....I would have to walk away from this. I know he has to, because to NOT with his W would be a dead giveaway to what is happening with me. And THAT is something that I do not want to ever happen.

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 7:30pm
Olive and CFH,

Thank you so much for your replies. I guess I am just driving myself crazy today because I really think MM was with W this weekend. Even before we took our A up to this newest level of intimacy, he would feel guilty for being with W because of his feelings for me. He does not love his W, which is rather sad, but got married when he was really young because they had a child together. Whenever he is with her, he becomes very distant and the few times it has happened over a weekend, I have not heard from because he doesn't know what to say to me. He isn't very good at keeping secrets from me. And this weekend, I have not heard from him.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 10:57pm
it's hard dealing with knowing that when i am not with my mm, his wife is. it breaks my heart knowing that i cant have him completely but i also know that just like your mm, mine also got his wife pregnant and decided to marry her and the only reason he is still with her is b/c of his child, and i cant look at him bad for that b/c i am doing the same thing in my marriage to h. We both know we dont wont to be married anymore to our spouses but neither one of us will leave. he has told me that he does love her and i still love my h but we are not in love with them anymore. someone made the comment that he is with them by choice and not commitment and that really stuck with me, he has noone pressuring him with our relationship but he is committed to his w. My mm told me that him and his wife do not sleep together and that's hard for me to believe but i know if they are, he is thinking of me while he is having sex with her b/c i think about my mm while having sex with h, that's all it is now is just sex, nothing emotional going on in my marriage. Me and my mm have never said we wont leave the marriage, he has actually told me that he is waiting for her to get so pissed at him that she will ask for a divorce, but right now i love being with him in every way and im glad that we met b/c i love him with all my heart.