how do you deal with anniversaries

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
how do you deal with anniversaries
7
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 5:47pm
MM told me today that tomorrow he can't go home late from work, because it's MM and W anniversary. I told him that i would rather that he wouldn't have told me at all. It hurt me. I rather that he lied instead. How do you go throught the day knowing about this? It just makes me so upset thinking about it. How do i even speak to him tomorrow? What do i say to him when he calls me? It makes me sick just thinking about both of them together, and i know they will be probably tomorrow... How do i go throught this, and how do i talk to him tomorrow? How do people like us in EMA go through this and how to you react to MM on a day like that? Should i just be distant?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 6:22pm
It's just a day like any other. If they have enough love in their marriage to celebrate their anniversary, then the anniversary day really is no different from any other day of the year. Really.

And no you should not be distant. You should act the way you feel. If you feel mopey and sad and insecure, don't act happy and cool. Tell him how you feel. Don't expect him to be able to DO anything about it. But you should communicate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 7:02pm
I am so so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I had to go through that day a few months back. I wish that he hadn't told me at all. As the day grew near I was just sick to my stomach thinking about them together. I thought that I was going to lose it. But I did something that was probably not nice at all. When he came over we ended up having sex, which made me happy, because I knew that he would not sleep with her after he did with me. Evil I know, but actually he started it, but I didn't stop it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 12:16pm
The only difference between anniversary day and any other day is that you know for certain they're having sex. Unless she's like me this past year and that's the day that her time of the month just happens to fall. :-) But it's possible they won't have sex at all anyway, or that it'll be bad sex, or that he'll be thinking of you the whole time. Maybe he'll be at dinner with her, wishing you were across from him. Try to imagine he's doing that, whether it's true or not, and maybe that'll help you get through. I can tell you I had a romantic anniversary celebration a few months back and spent the entire time miserable because I wasn't with the person I wanted to be with, so trust me, just because they're with W and having to be romantic, doesn't mean their minds aren't with you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:35pm
Luizinha,

I just want to tell you that your feelings are understandable and it's a hard situation. Their anniversary probably isn't important to him and he'd rather be with you. My MM just had his anniversary with his w , and he spent the day with me, although I did go with him to buy a gift-- a nice one, I might add. I was very jealous and it hurt that he was giving that to her. I really wished he had bought me a gift as well, but he didn't. I was hurt but I understand that he had to go home with something since that is how he got the day away to be with me. I did make sure he had so much sex that by the time he got home, he wouldn't be able or wanting to have sex with her...I know that was bad on my part but I couldn't stand the thought of them being together. Just know that all his thoughts were most likely about you. And if sex did occur he was probably thinking of you as well. Tell him how you feel about the situation, don't put blame on him, but communicate your feelings, I'm sure he will be sympathetic and understanding of your feelings.

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 2:30pm
And you know what, chances are, if his situation is anything like my MM's, he is just keeping the peace and putting on show. My MM's W's parents took them out for dinner and the only reason he went is for her parents. If he was happy in his marriage he wouldn't be with you so just remember that. HE'S NOT HAPPY. And he will not act the same to her as he does with you. It's just a show.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 3:07pm
Why would that day be any different? Aren't they married every day of the year?

I deal with it the same way my OM deals with my anniversary or birthday or Christmas or any other day he wishes he could be with and can't. We wish each other a happy day, get on about our own business, and are happy for whatever makes the other happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 12:26am
Luizinha: Boy, can I ever relate to this one!! Anniversaries and birthdays simply send me over the edge. When my MM has his anniversary, I want to curl up in a hole for a month. My MM's W expects (no, actually she demands) to be treated like a queen on those days. It is something that really irks me, as he will cater to her demands. I too just had my 25th wedding anniversary, and that caused me a lot of emotional pain, as well. Things are not too good on the homefront between the DH and myself, so any cards from the in-laws and well wishes were downright painful. My MM actually said "congratulations...and my condolences." I asked him why he would congratulate me, he said somebody ought to say it. As I told him- here I am married 25 years and madly in love...only not with my husband. Sad, I guess. In a nutshell, I never thought on my wedding day 25 years ago, that I'd ever be in this situation. It certainly sends you on an emotional roller-coaster ride, and forces you to face up to your failures in life. Take care and know that you are not alone in your feelings. Virgogirl