How do you deal with trips w spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
How do you deal with trips w spouse
11
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 2:18pm

Hi.  Here's the background.  I have been in my A for almost 4 yrs now.  We dated a little when we were younger (kids).  A mutual friend evidently broke us up.  AP thought I was seeing mutual friend and I thought he got bored and walked.  It appears AP spoke to my mom sporadically and knew all about my life until mom moved.  Then he started looking for me.  I never use my maiden name so it took him a while to find me but he did 4 yrs ago.  We both say the L word...and are both jealous of the other's spouse and family to some extent.  I've been married for 20 yrs and AP for 24 yrs.  We both have young children.  

My DH has planned an anniversary trip for us for a week for our 20th anniversary.  My question is how do you tell your AP that you're going on an anniversary trip???  Stupid question but it is what it is!

Thanks. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 4:50pm

I would think that when someone gets involved with a married person (who apparently has no intention of leaving the spouse as this has been going on for years) you accept the fact that outside of the affair time, their normal life has to go on, otherwise the spouse is going to know that something's up. So you just tell him that you won't be in touch since you will be on a trip with your DH--the amount of detail about where you are going, etc. is up to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 8:00pm

The less said, the better.  Don't have to tell him anything other than you will be out of town for X amount of time.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 8:42pm

 I agree with D.  less said the better.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Tue, 06-17-2014 - 11:27am

Thank you for your responses.  I plan on telling him as little as possible but occasionally he asks for more details.  I try to always say as little as possible about these situations since his feelings do get hurt.  We are just both stupid and ask too many questions about the other's RL.  LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 06-18-2014 - 3:56pm

I don't get what the problem is.  You're both married, you have said the "L" word, though if that were true, then both marriages would end, and you two would be together.  Since that's not the case, since you both have spouses to answer to.....then what you do when you're apart is no one's business but your own.  You tell him you'll be unavailable for a week, or two weeks, whatever.  Why, with whom, where, none of his business!.  He can ask all he wants.....you don't tell him.  Do you quiz him about his relationship with his wife?  If you do, then you need to stop, it has nothing to do with you.  There are serious affairs......those which end marriages, and there are "fun" affairs.....where neither partner has any intention of ending their marriage.  You have your "fun" when it's convenient, and when it's not, you don't have your "fun".  When he asks questions about anything, tell him you will not discuss it, because it doesn't concern him, only you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Sun, 06-22-2014 - 5:20pm

Fissatore     

I'm not sure you've ever had an affair where children are involved.  We do love one another but right now our children are more important than our own happiness on both sides!  We DO talk about our RL with each other, since we aren't just lovers but are also friends.  Trust me when I say NO affair is fun...our relationship is serious as I said it's been going on for 4 yrs.  We do want to be together but even before our affair got serious we said not until all kids were thru high school.  (We have 8 yrs left and I realize that, that's a long time I'm not young and stupid).  I'm very happy for you if your affair is simple and fun ours is not very simple and sometimes not fun.  Thank you for your advice although it wasn't very helpful this go round.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 12:04pm

I understand you thinking that you are doing your kids a favor by not getting a divorce, but what if either spouse finds out and then wants to divorce you?  What if your children are old enough to understand what is going on?  How do you think they will feel about you then?  I understand that this is probably not appropriate for this board since it's supposed to be supportive.  I just can't imagine that you could continue an affair for 12 years without anyone finding out--and meanwhile trying to keep up appearances with your spouses that everything is ok.  That would be so stressful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 2:55pm

@ Musiclover   It is but that is the choice that we have both made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 07-03-2014 - 11:18am
I wouldn't volunteer information about the trip but should you have to tell him something you don't have to say everything. Stick to the truth as close as possible, either way he still has to understand that you both are married and live a normal life with your spouse that entails vacations and such. I'm sure it gets under his skin but you both have to deal with that aspect of the affair. You both signed up for this and unfortunately this comes with the territory.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2014
Sun, 07-06-2014 - 5:12pm

Very true and that is what happened and yes he was jealous but he does get that we signed up for this, etc.  We'll make it.

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