How do you define an affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
How do you define an affair?
3
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 4:53pm
I tried to post this yesterday, but it appears that it didn't work, so here goes (again):
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 11:51am

I was told that any relationship outside the marriage with a member of the opposite sex is an affair. That was the definition I was handed when my affair was defined for me.


To me, an affair needs more elements than that. I have lots of male friends, I'm most certainly NOT having affairs with all of them. To me, an affair occurs when the married person (ok, now I'm gonna say

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 4:37pm

Not just "any" relationship is an affair - if that were true all our other relationships would be affairs.

There are flags to look for if you're not sure if your "opposite sex" friend (or same sex if you're gay or bi) is an affair or not.

If you find yourself hiding things from your significant other about this person - not letting your s/o in on the things you share with this other person because you know it would upset them to know. Not letting your s/o know how often you talk, write, e-mail, instant message etc. - deleting history on your computer, deleting numbers off caller ID, that sort of thing - that's a red flag. Because if you're truly "just friends", then you won't care if your s/o knows how often you talk or what you talk about.

If you go out of your way to keep your s/o and this other person away from each other - another red flag. Usually we like our s/o's to meet our friends, and usually we chatter away to them about our friends. We also talk about our s/o's to our friends. If you find yourself never mentioning your s/o to your other person - except maybe to complain about him/her, that's a red flag.

If you find yourself sharing things with the other person that your s/o would get upset at you sharing - that's a red flag. Deep dark secrets and feelings and some qualms/judgments about your s/o for instance.

If you find yourself feeling fluttery about seeing this other person - looking forward to it way more than you do your regular friends - another red flag.

I call all these "red flags" and not "evidence" because sometimes we CAN have a really really good friend that we share things with, deep dark secrets, feelings, gripes about our s/o - and it really is a friendship. However, if the person is of the sex you're attracted to, and you do these things, and there's a chemistry there, and you're hiding the relationship - I think you've got an affair!

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 9:01pm

"Not just "any" relationship is an affair - if that were true all our other relationships would be affairs."


That's what I said when they said it to me. I think "any" relationship is a disturbing thought. Yet, again and again, that is what people in my previous church told me (um, I don't go there any more.....)