How DO you DO it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
How DO you DO it?
19
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 1:34pm
I have been reading your posts for quite some time now and quite frankly I do not for the life of me understand how you do this day in and day out. Months and even years.

I think alot of you women short yourself. I have been on both sides, I have been a cheater and the cheated on. It is called Karma.

I would not nor could I spread myself that thin. How can you be just satified with just your MM coming and going and controling all aspects of your time together.

I am not bashing here I am trying to undetstand.

When I was cheating I did not think about what this was doing to my spouse. But I can tell you when it happened to me, I knew exactly how my spouse felt and it was very hurtful.

I have so many questions to ask. How do you know your MM wife is all that bad you have one side information.

He cheats because you enable him to cheat. Let us be real. If you and every other woman in world would walk away they wouldn't be cheating.

They would have no one to cheat with.

I cheated because I wanted to, for a thrill. I was a fool. How can you have any self esteem when you get so little in return.

I feel for you.

I sure would like someone to explain this to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 2:00pm
I don't understand lee you said that you have been there before so what is it that you need to be explained. I am just a little confused or I may have misunderstood your post. As for my situation I am not dealing with it very well and it is my first and hopefully my final A. I fell in love with this person and although my marriage is doing ok, I fell out of love with my husband far before my A. We get along well though. As for my MM he has many issues and neither of us has mentioned or even intended on leaving our M's. We were friends fell in love and had an A. I think we both wish it hadnt happened but it did. As for others on the board some are in it for the fun, some can deal with it very well and are comfortable with their situation of being able to be together when they can, and others are in very intense emotional relationships. All are different and deal with it differently. I think it when it gets to a point when needs (of course needs that can be met in this kind of situation) are not met and one or the other becomes too needy, is when the relationship is hard to deal with. Remember we are all adults and know what we are in for when we get into A's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 2:02pm
Here's how I do it. I was so lonely that I thought I would die. My husband would go months without touching me and he neglected me emotinally also. I tried so hard to spark our marriage. I was desperate. MM was in the same boat. His wife is verbally abusive to him and has just started to be physically abusive to their children. MM is there for ME when I need him. He does not call the shots. We treat eachother with respect and kindness. We are helping eachother through very difficult times in our lives. Am I proud? No. Am I ashamed? Sometimes.

It's not for the sex. It's for the human compassion. The touch of someone else. Knowing someone cares means the world. I used t lay in bed and cry myself to sleep because H was so close and wouldn't touch me.

Divorce is the answer but I need to think of my children also.

Desperate people do desperate things. I'm glad for you have never felt the hopelessness that I have felt or the loneliness that makes you want to die.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 2:13pm
I never thought that I would be the type of woman to do what I'm doing. When I was 16, I found out my father was having an A, and I hated him for hurting my mother the way he did. I always said I would never do it, and couldn't see myself do it, but here I am. It'll be 5 years in February that MM and I have been together. I haven't loved H for a long time. We got M for the wrong reasons. Although H tries to be loving, I find that with all that actually goes on, I can't stand it. MM fills up my life. He gives me the love that I crave, and the feeling of being special. I'm pretty sure I fill up the spaces in his life where his W don't fill. I also think that if we love each other enough, and it keeps on going, It makes the wait for him more bearable.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 2:26pm
Hi Lee, I will try to answer your questions the best I can. I do want to make it clear that my MM does not control my actions or me. We have a very open and honest relationship. True, My H would be deeply hurt if he ever found out but I truly believe that he would not be surprised. I spent 8 years crying myself to sleep trying to figure out why my H was not interested in me intimately. My H is a bit of a womanizer, Loves to make me feel jealous and insurcure. I'm one of these women that have a very strong personality and decided that I wasn't going to let him damage my self-esteem. He has some major ego problems. Anyway, I'll stop rambling about him. My MM and I are very dear friends we respect each other’s family life and spouses (as weird) as that may sound. We don't set around waiting on the other one to call. I don't wonder what’s he's thinking when he's quiet, you get my drift here. Right? Am I making any sense at all? Good luck and trust me I do understand you're views. We all have different paths in life and mine just happen to put me here. Trust me I though long and had before this adventure. Hence, my screen name. Good luck! NMR
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 2:29pm
Ooops! That was suppose to be " I thought long and hard". NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 2:50pm
Oh the excuse game going on here. Been there done that. I was very unhappy in my marriage and I was lonely all of those things I have felt. Lack of sex but it wasn't until I wanted out that I BEGAN my affair. I should have respected my spouse enough to get out before I did anything but I betrayed everything marriage symbolizes. I convienced my self I was so miserable and I had two kids in the middle of this mess. And who paid the price you got it my kids.

I ruined there life for my self reasons. You can't excuse any of this... be honest with yourself.

If you are unhappy, you get only one life in this world, why spend it unhappy and miserable.

It took me years to put my life back on track and to forgive myself for that mistake. But to sit here and say how unhappy you are when you have choices and don't say you don't because you do. You hang on to an unhappy marriage because your too afraid to go it by yourself. Been there done that.

Don't give me your excuses you can't fool another cheater.

Sorry I am attackign you and that is not what I mean to do. I have been through alot and also been cheated on by the very person I cheated with. Three years later guess what they were cheating on me and I did not want to see it but when it came out everyone knew, friends, family it was humilating so now Karma has made me see what I did to my spouse. I hate the fact I cause someone else that kind of pain.

So now let me ask again how do u do it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:01pm
we just DO! that's all. no one (but you apparently) on here judges us. we are adults and can do what you want and need to get through life. no excuses or justifications here, just the facts!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:11pm
First...let me start off by saying..it doesn't matter why or how they DO IT..its their lifes to live...not yours...these women have reasons for their A regardless if you think their excusses or not..remember ITS THEIR LIFES...Why do you come to this board and say you are not bashing you just want to know..and they give you their answers and you come back bashing the he** out of them...you knew what kind of answers you were going to get..what? did you think they were all going to come back and say...oh I do it just because I want to..to get a kick...I don't think so..so please don't post here if you can't accept the answers you get in return..sorry if I sound mean..I just want to express my opinion...Thanks for listening


Edited 11/6/2003 3:26:25 PM ET by littlesecert
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:11pm
But don't you see it is an excuse, okay some of them. I mean on on hand I feel bad for you but on the other I think how dare you!

But then againthese guys are seeing you so they must be getting something out of it. I just hate to see you girls selling yourself short.

Everyone servers to be loved and loved for themselves, don't you ever feel like just a booty call? Been there done that too BTW.

You can do what ever you what of course, I just couldn't do it for as long as you have. I would always want more more more and don't you think you deserve to be with a guy who is going to respect you and your body and be with you and just you. I think your getting the short end of the stick.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:12pm
First of all you cannot judge each one of our relationships with the same kind of response. Each person that comes here has a different story to tell along with a different situation. It sounds to me that you may still have some guilt issues. That's not my problem and people like you are the reason that we're so careful about talking to outsiders. Please go back to your own world and leave us alone. You've made you're decisions in your life and we will all make ours. Who the HECK are you to judge and criticize. NMR

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