How DO you DO it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
How DO you DO it?
19
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 1:34pm
I have been reading your posts for quite some time now and quite frankly I do not for the life of me understand how you do this day in and day out. Months and even years.

I think alot of you women short yourself. I have been on both sides, I have been a cheater and the cheated on. It is called Karma.

I would not nor could I spread myself that thin. How can you be just satified with just your MM coming and going and controling all aspects of your time together.

I am not bashing here I am trying to undetstand.

When I was cheating I did not think about what this was doing to my spouse. But I can tell you when it happened to me, I knew exactly how my spouse felt and it was very hurtful.

I have so many questions to ask. How do you know your MM wife is all that bad you have one side information.

He cheats because you enable him to cheat. Let us be real. If you and every other woman in world would walk away they wouldn't be cheating.

They would have no one to cheat with.

I cheated because I wanted to, for a thrill. I was a fool. How can you have any self esteem when you get so little in return.

I feel for you.

I sure would like someone to explain this to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:18pm
but i, for one, am in it for the booty call! i won't list the reasons why the A started, but it will continue for as long as we need it. i don't delude myself with "a future" or "forever." i'm a realist and as such, take the A for what it is and use it for myself and MM.

in my life, i'm not getting the "short end of the stick" ever.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:25pm
If I came across as attacking you, didn't mean too. I told you my reasons for my cheating. Or excuses I GAVE myself why I cheated.

I am not telling anyone how to live their life, it would be hard and I emphaze with them. I was trying to express both sides and be helpful not tear anyone down. Not my intentiona t all. You don't need to get so defensive about everything I say. Good grief, chill hon.

This is a harmless conversation. I don't give hootin'nanny if they cheat, I want to understand not only why I did it but why they do it.

My kids paid a huge price for my mistake and sure I feel guilty. And I should.

I guess I got off on the wrong foot with everyone.

My apologize.

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:25pm
Applause....... Have I told you lately that I love you and the way you think:):)NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:36pm
no and i'm very upset about it too 'cause i was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore!! lol, just kidding sweetie ;-D

listen lee, if there's one thing i've learning in life, there is no "understanding" why we do the things we do in life. and not everyone agrees around here. we on the board do argue with each other. you seem to be asking for an explanation that doesn't exist. jmo hon!

nomo, feel the love baby!

gurl ;)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 3:52pm
.


Edited 10/1/2004 6:48 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 4:17pm
Lee

Of the time that I have spent here, I can honestly say that have not seen the participants of this board as women on the prowl of some poor, desperate, lonely, unsuspecting man, nor do I see them (including myself) as victims. I have not seen any of the participants here as malicious homewreckers out for a cheap thrill.

Obviously this is a difficult situation for all those involved. Yes, there are some people who participate in A's simply for the thrill factor. But saying that if "OW/OM's" wouldn't make it available then there would be no cheaters is an unrealistic concept. If that were the case, if there were no Ben and Jerry's, 50% of the population wouldn't have to go to the gym anymore!!!!(myself included).

We can argue adnauseum regarding whether people are programed for monogamy or if some people are just wired to cheat, etc. But it basically breaks down to the fact that sometimes these things just happen. Sometimes, you do fall in love with someone you did not expect to. It could be because of the circumstances, the situation, what ever... sometimes the comfort we find in one another advances the relationship to the next level or a higher level and before you know it, it is a full blown affair. Sometimes, as in my case timing is off.

I doubt if any of our situations is the same or even similar to your situations, because if it were, you would not be asking us how "we" do it, in such a condescending, critical and might I add hypocritical manner. Perhaps you do feel as though karma has gotten the better of you and that is why you are lashing out.

We all need support to get us through this situation we find ourselves, for what ever reason we find ourselves in an A. There are no self-help books or advice columns for the "other person". The only advise is "get out", find someone single, or if you are married and in an A - shame on you. That is why this board is here - NOT for us to have to justify our feelings or our actions to you or anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 4:29pm
Great post Saatty. If I knew how I got to this point maybe I could have stopped it. But my love was blind. I never saw it coming!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 4:35pm
saaty -- a perfect post honey! thanks for articulating my thoughts exactly.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: lee_m03
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 5:00pm

Lee,


The first thing I'm going to say is... we are all different... each and every one of us... and while stories may be similar... they will never be the same... and in saying that... no matter how hard each of us tries to explain our reasons why and how we do this... you will never be able to understand as you will never be able to walk a mile in our shoes.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

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