How do you get your confidence back?
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| Mon, 12-01-2008 - 1:20am |
Now in all honesty this MAJOR loss of confidence happened the first time that AP, and I split up, and the second break up has only served to reinforce that lack of confidence.
It has effected me in every aspect of my life. My kids, my job, school is a big one. I use to make the Deans list every semester, now I am on academic probation. That's crazy.
The way that my career was going, I should at LEAST be a Lieutenant, possibly Captain, but I don't have the confidence to take the test. When I took the test, and interviewed for Sergeant I scored number 2 out of all the applicants. Were talking a hundred people at least. And here I am STILL just a Sergeant. I am so afraid of failure that most times I am afraid to try. I convince myself that the status quo is acceptable, but I know it's not.
I can see how much I have changed when I see my 18 yr. old daughter. She is so strong, aggressive, ambitious, and effective. All the things that I use to be. But it seems like I have lost my fight. The core part of me that made me, me.
I let people get away w/ chit that I would have NEVER let go before. It's weird I am not afraid of responding to calls, or getting into a fight, but if somebody butts in line in front me I won't say chit. Now my daughter, she would be like "Excuse me, but I think you're in the wrong place in line." Just what I would have done before I surrendered my heart to xAP. Sometimes, I think I have lost some of my daughter's respect. That hurts more than anything.
So my question to you my sisters (and brothers) is how do I get that back. Where did I go, and can I ever come back? I have some serious major changes to make, and yet I always seem to shy away from them. I am sick of my own bullsh*t, and I need you once again girls. You have never failed me before. That's why I love ya'll.

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Justice...
Ok, you listen and listen good! You are in a position that is extremely demanding and dangerous. And you're a chick! That in and of itself speaks volumes about your strength. Do NOT let this guy take away your self-esteem. You say you used to be a great student...may I ask if the AP was in the picture then? In other words, perhaps you have let the strain of his situation and your place in it erode your self-worth. Get back onto your horse and start the studying! Or take a semester off to get yourself together. Whatever it takes. Just keep on keeping on. Pat yourself on the back for having the strength to tell this guy, "No way!". You CAN get back to a place where you like and love yourself. I know you can.
Thanks for your reply Silly, but it's not that easy. Yeah, I face tough situations on a daily basis, but it ALWAYS a non-personal type of circumstances. I can detach emotionally. If it were about me personally, then there would be an issue. I know it may sound crazy, but I can rush to your defense, but not my own.
My ability to be an effective parent has even been altered. I used to do arts and crafts w/ my older kids. I used to finger paint w/ them. Go on nature walks. I mean I was a hands on mom. Things are different for my youngest. I have tried it, but I can never seem to see things through. Like I might buy the paint, but I never break it out. I am not as stern w/ him, as the two oldest. Well, he is just one of those kids that is by nature well behaved (thank God!!!) But there have been many times that my two oldest would say "Man, when we were little we would have gotten our a**es busted for that!"
I just feel so emotionally overwhelmed at times that I am afraid that I won't make the right move. At work, I've been doing this for 13 yrs. I could do it in my sleep. I can still be an effective officer, but I THINK that I was better before I feel in love w/ xAP.
I don't know. I just want my zest for life back. I want that bop in my step. I want my old self back. I want to be confident again, and I don't know to do it.
Aww honey,
For me I had the same problem with all my drama. At one point I got mad at myself that I would give someone that much power over my life. So I sat down and made a list of what I was screwing up and picked one area and worked on it until it was fixed to my satisfaction. Then I moved on to the next thing. All the while I worked on just me, I spent time with friends, or alone. When
Oh Justice my dear friend -
I am so sorry to read this - but I am encouraged as well.
It's true an A can work its way under your skin and get to your core. I too look back at some things I didn't follow through with, in my job and my kids, because I was so distracted. Men are so good at focusing on what's in front of them and tuning everything else out. I feel very out of the loop at times.
I'm normally an anti-pill person, but have you thought about medication? Could it be possible you have ADD? I've struggled with it all my life, but I have never taken anything for it, mainly because I was a stay-at-home mom and I didn't have anyone to answer to. Now that I'm back at work full-time and have all this other stuff going on, I'm thinking about getting a prescription to see if it helps.
Justice,
Start to get ready for that test. I am looking for a new job right now, as I do not want to see xAP anymore (we work together). I had to take 3 tests today for a new job, and they actually put me on spot asking to take them. I could've declined, study some and come back next week, but I've decided to give it a try anyway. Guess what - my scores were fantastic, and some stuff on the tests I haven't seen for a long time.
I was so proud of myself. I am smart and confident and have a professional knowledge base that I can take anywhere with me. AP often made me feel so small and stupid, made me doubting myself like I am not smart enough, not this or not that.
Justice, take that power back. A's are beating us down, making us feel like we are not good enough (mainly, for him to leave his W!) So you know what, he can have his W...and everything else he wants...but not ME, I am too good for him!
(((Hugs))),
Vivacious
Justice...
Have you tried or thought about going to counseling? Maybe you need to sort all of this stuff out with a professional. It may do you worlds of good.
The one thing you can say is good in all of this is that it seems that you are truly seeing that perhaps this affair has not been the best thing for you or your life. It has eroded your self-esteem in many ways. So how can it be a good thing, right?
Unfortunately, you are tied to this man forever because you have his child. But it is up to you to put the boundaries there that will save your life, so to speak. Because you're drowning, and you know it, which is good. It's the first step to saving yourself.
Give yourself some kudos for having the strength to say "no way" to him. There are SO many others that would be chasing him down at this point. Not you. That's a good thing.
Once again my Girls come to my aide. You guys are really great. I just don't know where I would be w/o you. You guys really gave me some good advise, thank you.
But I think that Silly hit the nail on the head. I'm thinking that this is going to take more than a list. I can't begin to conquer the issues that need addressing if I don't have the confidence to do it. I've lost my edge. I use to be so sharp. I excelled at academics, and just generally did very well in most things that I attempted. But it seems like when I let AP in, and I surrendered my entire being to him, somewhere in the exchange I got lost, and I think that it's going to take professional help to get it back. I am going to make my appointment after the holidays are over. I am sure that the shrinks are overbooked since the holidays are here.
Oh, just FYI, do you know what time of year that most suicides occur? I would have guess the holidays, but it's Springtime. I guess people see all the changes in the seasons, and the lovers in the park, and feel that there is no place for them in such a beautiful time. Sad isn't it.
Not me, giving up is not an option. I just wanted to through that out there.
You know I have been looking into volunteering my time to helping stop child abuse. I am having difficulty finding a Champaign that wants volunteers, and not just donations, but I should be able to find things through work.
Thanks again Girls. You all had wonderful things to say, and it means so very much to me.
For me, when I feel like I need to rebuild confidence, first I have to separate things out.
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