How do you handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
How do you handle this?
4
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:08pm
I'm not sure how to explain this. My H and I have a very rocky marriage. Well i've been seeing OM for a couple years now, but just recently we became physically intimate. I mean within last 6 mo. We have a wonderful time together and blah blah blah...

Here the question...I know OM wants me to leave H. He's said on several occasions he would help me do anything I needed to leave H. However, as much as I love OM, I feel a responsibility toward H. Is there a way to explain this to OM? I mean he's been patient. And I understand his frustration. He wants to be with me, but I've tried to explain, and he isn't pushy, but I know that it hurts him. Every time we say goodbye to one another, he almost cries...every time. He gets all choked up, and I hate to see him in pain, but like I said I feel responsible for H.

How would you handle this? I know someone has to have felt this before...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:52pm
What is your responsibilty to your H? I'm guessing that your OM really loves you, and the way it sounds you love him. Is there something holding you back? Maybe you're scared of what will happen down the road. All i can say is to really think about what will make you happy, if things don't work out for you two, will you still be ok without your H, or do you need him as your security blanket. It's something you really need to think about, and think about what you want, not your H or OM. It can be a difficult decision, but maybe it will be better for all in the long run. Good Luck!


Hot




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 5:01pm
I know the situation so well....things not too good at home and your OM is the one you leave your heart with. Well, if you leave H, you should do it for you and because the marriage isn't working. The OM should be an entirely separate situation. I know how hard it is to separate it, though. I am completely in love with my MM and I would be with him in a heartbeat, but I have my situation at home I need to contend with first as well.

Good luck and keep the love strong. Follow your heart - you'll know what to do....you might already know!

((HUGS))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 8:49am
I guess that's it. I feel like I need to leave H, but it needs to be separate from OM. Even though I do love OM. As hard as it may be to believe I do care about my H. We just aren't compatible. I feel like I'm waiting for a reason to leave him, and he doesn't give me a reason. H is blissfully happy, and I don't understand how he can be so damn happy, when I am miserable with him. I guess I wish it could just be cut and dried, you know. Like if we got into a huge argument or something...I don't want to hurt H, but I really believe it was a mistake that I married him. Before OM and I got physical, I asked H for marriage counseling, and he refused to go. I know I should have left him right then. I went to counseling alone for a while, but it doesn't do much good when I'm the one in the throes of an affair and am really not wanting to WORK at it!! But through it all H is happy. I know H loves me. But the feelings aren't mutual. I feel like I married H out of obligation more than out of love, and OM fills that part in me. OM and I always say it should be illegal for 2 people to get along as well as we do.

At this point, I can't even stand for H to touch me. But well as is everyone's situation it's so complicated. Damn feelings, they always get in the way LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 11:29am
I know exactly how you feel. My situation with my W is very similar. It took me telling her about my A to get her to go to counseling. And by now, of course, it is too late. She didn't feel like anything was wrong. All the while, I felt alone and deserted. I didn't understand it either until I had counseling. It turns out that the reason she was content and I wasn't is her communication and emotional needs are very low and they were all being met by me. Meanwhile, mine weren't being met at all. So why wouldn't she be content? It's very hard for me to think about uprooting my life and leaving a relationship that has been a big part of my life for 10 years. Not to mention two children. But I can stay and continue to grow more and more miserable, meanwhile wasting years that both of us could have used to find happiness. Or I can step up and do the difficult thing and leave while we're both still relatively young. I've decided on the latter. I have a reason to stay for awhile, but my decision has been made. At some point, you'll have to decide which path you want to take. I think it is important to go to counseling, even if your H won't go. You can learn a lot about yourself and let's face it, we all have issues we need to resolve. I'm using my counseling to resolve my issues so when I am free to pursue a relationship, I will be ready to do it the right way and for the right reasons. Good luck and always remember that you are a good person and you deserve to find happiness. Just make sure that you look for that happiness inside yourself first.