how do you handle a stalker wife?
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how do you handle a stalker wife?
| Sun, 09-13-2009 - 11:43am |
i have lurked here for a long time, but don't think i've ever posted. i'm divorced and have been in a R with a MM for a couple of years. i knew the W before the A, and we were friendly acquaintances. she recognized early on that her H

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thank you for your support, lostintranslation (one of my favorite movies, btw). i do understand that an A by nature is wrong, but i am in too deep and am not emotionally ready or willing to leave the situation.
i have been a BS in the past (many yrs ago), and i do understand it is a really hard thing to bear. however, in my case, i ended the M and did not ever know much about my xH's AP. i don't think i could ever have gone to her house to see it for myself, but i do understand why my AP's W wants to.
however, she must know that it's a volatile situation. i don't want to hurt her, but i know i am and he is. however, just as i am scared that she could do something irrational given the difficulty of the situation, wouldn't it occur to her that i could get scared and react irrationally to her being staked out near my house? i won't, so i guess in her situation her bet is safe. maybe she just understands i am non-confrontational and that i feel guilt over the situation. however, it would seem to be a worrisome situation for everyone involved. i just wish there were a way to convince her not to drive by. at best, it's emotional torture for all (her especially), and at worst, it's inviting a dangerous situation to happen.
i know, if i could end the A, i could shut down that possibility, but i am just not able to do that now. i guess i was kind of hoping there would be suggestions for things he could tell her or that he could do differently that would discourage her from following this pattern again. i wish it could be that he would say the M is over, but he has his reasons for not doing that right
It's apparent that those that have responded to this post havent been in your situation, me included. But I am sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with what lost said. We are all in an A and if I were to have to deal with this I would be creeped out too.
It's quite understandable that you arent ready to end the A. I am at a crossroads in my situation and until you are ready it seems impossible to be done with it. Everyone has a breaking point, and once it's reached one is more able to move on.
I do wish your AP would tell W the M is over instead of stringing her and you along. But since he's not doing that maybe you can tell AP how much this trully bothers you and that it's affecting
thanks so much for the hugs, caribu. i hug
If she knows about you and tells her he will not stop seeing you, why doesnt he stand up for you and tell her to leave you alone? Clearly the situation is transparent for all parties involved so why is he allowing you to be under this much distress?
I understand how you feel about him and that you have empathy for his W. She isnt crazy for wanting to know where he is, but imagine how she feels having to search the streets for him like a wayward teenager! She must have some issues going on within herself for allowing him to continually do this. He should really be a man and just leave her completely. There really is NO good time to end a marriage and enabling him to make the excuses as to why he stays isnt furthering your cause at all.
You love him deeply but both you and his W are allowing him to flip-flop between each other and its not fair on either of you women. If she cannot make him stop her, then unfortunately you may have to break it off, or as another poster said, move house, to avoid being watched by her. Remember, she was his first and so she feels justified to know what he is doing outside of the marriage. She isnt harrassing YOU personally, she is trying to find her H.
Good luck.
SB
thank you, SB. you raised some
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