how do you keep it separte and stay sane

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2008
how do you keep it separte and stay sane
9
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 11:23am

I haven;t posted much here yet,,as my A is fairly new.3 months..but I have been lurking and reading and trying to find answers to so many questions...I am really confused at the moment ,and the roller coaster ride of emotions have already started in full force..


I just spent a couple hours with my AP on Friday and it was wonderful..sighh...and now I won;t see him for a week or even more as he is going out of town..its going to be so hard not to talk to him or see him..


Which brings me to a question.? How do you keep your lives separte and not let the overwhelming feelings of wanting and needing them at bay? I mean when I am at home with H all I can think about is AP and I just want to escape out of the house and either be alone to think about things or cry..My AP keeps telling me not to think to much, because when I do ,,I get upset and worry..But really i feel as if I am living 2 completly differnt lives..and how do you keep sane ,and keep your relationships at home half way normal when all you can think about is when you will see AP again? How do you stop yourself from picking up the phone and calling them to just say hi,?? and what do you do to not go over the edge while waiting to see them agaiN

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 11:34am
I could not do it. I fell in love with my AP and was so depressed at home, it was obvious to my H something or someone is on my mind. Since our R was falling apart for the last 2 years, we finally separated. Now I am on the same roller coaster ride, but feel even worse, because I am so lonely.
I just wish us women were not getting so emotionally attached to our partners...they have no idea what we experience. They enjoy their double lives, being happy at home with security and comfort they have there and happy with us, getting all the joy, fun and passion that is missing at home.
(((Hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 12:13pm

(( HUGS)) I fear I am doing the same thing.. I just don;t understand how on the guys do it. They have their family and life at home , and carry on like all is normal..or do they? Do they go through some of what we put ourselves through? Are they wondering what we are doing and wanting to be with us too? Or is it just us women who get so attached and can;t get them out of our minds?


My Ap and I both said right from the start ,that we would never leave our marriage..both have been through so much and have to much to lose..Although really he has more to lose as he has kids and mine are all grown. I find myself thinking of him way to much though and just wanting to talk to him or be with him.Maybe because its so new and exciting? or maybe because we seem to be connected in some strange sort of way..its why I think the A started..all so very strange.I can;t seem to accomplish anything at home these days..all I want to do is remember the last time I was with him or see if he emailed me..Gawd I am in big trouble I think.


I promised him I would keep it together for myself and for him..He loves my smile and says he would trade it all just to see that..I fear I am falling into that fanasty world everyone talks about..I need to get back to reality and face the facts..it is what it is..but damn its hard .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 1:33pm

Hi,


You definitely live two separate lives while you are in an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 1:50pm
Same here...My AP told me "I love you, and love you very much, but I love you even more when you smile..."
You guys are so right, in my A negatives are starting to outweigh positives, that's why I asked my AP to make a decision, because I want to move on. There is no reason to stay in relationship that is frustrating, unfulfilling and does not make me happy. I did not leave unhappy marriage of many years to find myself in another unhappy relationship. I am afraid even to think of how will I live though our breakup because I love this man so much, but if it's how it's going to be, I'd be better off out.
If you guys already know you won't leave your marriages, this may be even more frustrating, because you know for sure this is dead end and this will never change.
(((Hugs to all)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 6:01pm

aww..its all just so confusing and heart wrenching at times and yet other times so ....wonderful...ughh..not sure about the negatives and positives in my situation yet,as I feel we have just begun and are still getting to know one another..Its just at times i get such mixed signals from him and honestly from myself...


He says we cant talk all the time and yet he will call out of the blue or email me..just to say hi or tell me he is really trying to be patient..


At times the guilt is eating away at me...and I can;t even be in same room with H because my mind is spinning out of control...I wish I had a close friend I could talk to or share this with..but honestly I don;t have anyone..my sister i could never share this with..she adores my H and I have been such a loser in life so far..this would just be the icing on the cake for her..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 12:16am

Hi and welcome

I don't know how to do it. I couldn't. H and I weren't communicating much when I started my A. He was pretty much spending 80-100 hours a week at work (or somewhere else) and avoiding me. Our s*x life was practically non existant. Both of those things were why I ended up in an A. In fact, I was never intimate again with H after I started my A.

Spending time with AP and then a night with him made staying M impossible. I knew it wasn't working anymore and in May (not due to AP) H and I separated.

I found it impossible to separate the two lives. H and I now live under the same roof, but aren't together. H is not noticing we are living separately. I would move but simply cannot afford anywhere. I am in love with AP, he is M and says he's not leaving.

A's are very complicated and get even more so when you throw in a few strong emotions.

Pisces

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 5:23pm

Yes...the smile thing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 6:04pm
Thanks for the link to the video, it was very amusing, and I suspect, quite correct. LOL
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 9:31pm
I can so identify with what you're going through. I have the exact same feelings, doubts and situations that you do. I'm even wondering if it's the same guy. Just kidding about that but I'm like you - looking to see if I've gotten an email. Calling him out of the blue at work. I feel I have this obsession and it's driving me crazy!! I would never have thought I'd be having an A and he's a MM so I guess I had blinders on and thought that it would be easier with a MM than a SM just for the intimacy you know. Boy has it turned out way different than I expected. I feel your pain.