How do you know if someone is interested

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
How do you know if someone is interested
18
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 2:20pm
I go to a local store fairly regularly, and there is a guy that works there who I am very attracted to. Sometimes I think he is interested, but other times I think I'm completely off base. The thing is, I'm probably about 15 years older than him (and I'm okay, but I'm no Demi Moore!), and I think he's seen me walking around town with my toddler and/or my husband. So any interest I think he might show is probably wishful thinking on my part, and I'm probably just imagining it. But the other morning he was (sitting) at a local coffee shop I sometimes go to (I sit to--it's not like I just get coffee and leave). I've never seen him there before, and (more wishful thinking) it's possible that he's seen me go in there some mornings, and if he *is* interested, he went there hoping I'd come in...But it didn't seem like he really looked up or anything when I came in. And certainly I'm way too shy (and would feel like too much of a fool) to start a conversation. He's pretty friendly when I go in to the store he works at, but it could just be polite friendliness--I wouldn't call it flirting...but sometimes I think he gives me this look, and I think he's pretty shy himself.

Anyway, could I be picking up on something from him, or am I totally nuts? Are there any signs or anything I can look for to help me figure it out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 2:36pm
hey sanshop, there are no "signs" unless you mean he grabs you and kisses you on the mouth or something like that.

if this man is being just friendly, as usual, he may think you're a nice, attractive married woman, but he probably isn't going to act on any vague urge unless you let him know you find him attractive.

you say you're both shy, so maybe you could engage OM in a short convo about where he went to school, or where he lives in town. and let him know that you think he's cute or handsome wearing that jacket or tie or his haircut reminds you of george clooney (or make up another handsome movie star - brad pitt always works!).

you have to get a little more personal with OM to gauge his interest. just make a tiny move in his direction, don't throw yourself at him. and see how he responds. if he starts paying more attention to you in his store, or shows up at the coffee shop and asks if he can join you, then you'll have the answer you need to decide what direction to take the relationship.

but before you do, make sure this is the way to want to go, instead of paying more attention to your H and your M. because once you get involved with another man, it takes alot of time to manage the double life you'll be living.

think about it carefully before you proceed.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 2:53pm
hi,

I guess the most obvious reaction is eye contact. And plenty of it.

If you feel maybe there is a little spark your intuiton could be right.

But it is up to you to determine if you just want some mindless flirting or are you looking for something more than that. Nothing boosts the ole ego than to have someone interested in you, even if it is just for a fleeting moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 11-19-2003 - 3:30pm
That's the thing, I feel like I can't win whatever I do or whatever happens (or doesn't happen). I mean, right now I can imagine whatever I want to imagine--I can think that he's as attracted to me as I am to him, that he thinks about me during the day, or that he shows up at a coffee shop because he knows I go to it. =) And leaving it like this is the safe and smart thing to do--no betrayal, no secrets, no lies (My M isn't always great, and sometimes I really dislike my H, but most of the time my M is okay, and I don't want to throw everything away because I have the major hots for this guy.)...But I can't stop thinking about him, and the idea that he might be interested in me just makes me want him that much more, and I just want to know whether or not he is...But then I start thinking that it *must* be all in my imagination anyway (Would a young guy like that be interested in a nearly middle age woman with a toddler??) and part of some mid-life crisis I must be going through (somewhat early =) ), and the idea of finding out he *isn't* interested in me after all is really upsetting.

I am just so frustrated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 3:42am
Hey, Sanshop, I am 30+ male who hopes to begin an affair with 40+ female and I know on the male side we're waiting for a definite message that you want to move forward. An example would be "there's nothing stopping me from going to that hotel with you." Or during making out saying "if I (female) asked you to spend the night would you" implies more than kissing.

What do you want from the prospective man to encourage you to have an EMA with him?

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 5:36pm
oh god viewer!! if that's what guys are looking for it's a blessing i am not dating!!!

Ugh, is there any hope for me?? i was married, went right from home with parents to marriage. Not alot of dating, not alot of flirting, and i DON'T KNOW HOW!!

MM and i will probably not end up together (yes, i get THAT much) but..... if we don't, that means, i have to date.

Anyone who can tutor me???? LOL!!!!

:) jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:52pm
Jenny (hey, can I say your name like Forrest Gump says it to his girlfriend turn wife - JEN NAE? )

OK, the lines that I remember the most that told me to make more of an advance were the two that I mentioned. Now, I pretty much need to be hit with a straightforward 'love' brick before I go forward. It most likely has to do with the possibly of being rejected and the setback that has on me.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 10:26pm
But of course you can call me JEN NAE......i can assure you my day is NOT complete until someone does!!!! (and if you knew me, you would know my legal name actually is jenny, no jennifer, which makes it all the more fitting!).

See the problem is.... i am not the throwing the love brick kind. i'm worried sick that's what i'll have to do if i start to date. What if love-brick-throwers are born, not made?? Then i am in trouble.

JEN NAE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:02am
JEN-NAE,

"Nothing is stopping me ... hotel" or "If I asked you to spend the night..." are pretty clear for any man, but may be to extreme. There are probably more subtle ways. But, usually women are unclear with their hints. The "you're cute" or "I wonder how I'm going to get home tonight" may mean go forward some days and other times it might mean "I wonder if this dopey guy can drive me to my boyfriend's house.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 3:10am
OK, i swear i am not dragging out this conversation to be a shameless flirt (but i have to confess, wouldn't it be fun to explain to people you met your boyfriend or girlfriend on a "my affair support" message board?? LOL!!!!) I understand what you mean. Subtlety can sometimes backfire and / or be hard to read. i supposed in my case it's just a lack of confidence, on the flirting and receiving end. And quite frankly i am not sure where or HOW to get confident, unless that just comes with time. i am newly seperated as i said before. How do you find your confidence? i'd like to explain a little further but i am not sure i am quite brave enough in a public arena. If you can think of any confidence pointers i could use them LOL!!

Best of luck, whoever she is, she's lucky!!

JEN NAE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:20am
MM and I discussed this yesterday. You can fantasize about another person and even have a crush on him or her. The danger comes in when you TELL the other person about your fantasy.

I think it's our natural instinct to want to progress from a crush into a relationship. We do so blindly at times, forgetting that this is completely inappropriate. It's instinctual, I think, but TRUST ME -- if you think this desire to progress to the next level is bad now, wait until you're talking to him every day and wanting to kiss him so badly you're burning up inside. Then you kiss and you're wanting to touch. Then you want to do more than touch... Then you've gone too far to turn back and what's the next level of progression? Leave your H for him? Or just call it a fling and move on? If you think it'll be that easy, you're fooling yourself. Your emotions will get involved whether you want it to or not.

Leave it where it is. Be friendly to him, look forward to seeing him, but don't take it further. If you do, you'll regret it down the line. And you'll no longer have a reason to look forward to going to the grocery store and coffee shop...

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