How do you (re)act when he is having...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
How do you (re)act when he is having...
4
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 7:22pm

Second thoughts, or is feeling guilty? What do you tell him, how do you act?

1, Do you loosen your grip, take the 'Buddhist' road and tell him that perhaps you should take a break from each other and go NC for a while so that he can clear his head? (in the hopes that maybe he will realize how much you mean to him.. or if not, then for the better..) .. Or will this just have the effect of pushing him away?

2, Do you just listen to him patiently without reacting much, trying to help him reflect (like a therapist would..?).

3, Or do you hold on to him tighter (without being clingy), reassuring how much he means to you and you will stick by him, and you want him, and you want the relationship to continue? Will you just push him away with this?

Which is the right road to take? :-( I am so confused.

I met my AP two months ago at the worst possible time I could have.. His wife of 26 years had just discovered about an affair he had had and everything exploded, their life has been a mess since etc. (their marriage has had many many problems even before that). Supposedly they decided to give things one last try, going to intense therapy, him to SLAA groups, etc. etc. Then we met...

It's been intense, he calls me 2-6 times a day (even on week-ends), we meet several times a week, we have a romantic trip booked together in July.. He has strong feelings for me and I for him.

Today when we spoke on the phone at one point he was talking about how much he loves hearing my voice, and how he melts when we speak, how much he misses me etc.
But then he added, that he feels like living in two completely contradictory realities... He told me that the only time he is happy is when we are together, but then on the other hand when are not together and he is home 'alone', he is feeling really bad about leading on his wife, feels like he should be focusing more on his son (he is 20 but is mentally ill), is afraid that things will explode, feels bad for me for having to put up with his mess etc. Him saying these things felt like having an ice-cold bucket of water dumped on my chest (I guess I got scared of losing him).

AP is really honest, and always says what he thinks, so it is not like he was trying to hint to end things, he quickly added that he definitely does not want to break up, misses me a lot and can’t wait to see me. He was also talking about a big project he was considering taking on, but decided to only do it part time, only to not jeopardize the time we spend together in the evenings.
I am scared that he will announce soon that he can’t deal with this double life anymore, he needs to give his marriage a shot and that we can not meet anymore. I am confused, taken aback, and overall, just not sure how to react when he talks like that.

How would you react? Do you guys go through phases like this (guilt, second guessing etc.), is it a 'normal' part of an A that comes and goes? Or is it a sign that things are headed towards the end?

How do you deal with it?

P.S.: Thanks very much in advance for your input! For those, who are about to write me some not so nice comments about how wrong of him to be seeing me in his situation, please spare me your response (I will push ignore button). Both AP and I are aware of that, and our situation is very complex, as I am sure everyone else’s on this board. It is however called a SUPPORT board, so if you have something mean to say that does not pertain to the subject anyway, please please keep it to yourself. :(




Edited 6/13/2010 8:09 pm ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 8:15pm

While my AP has never gone hot and cold on me, we have finally reached a crossroads where something needed to change because the situation was getting way out of control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 9:18pm

Thanks for your kind response!

I am sorry you are going through a very difficult time! :-( Big Hugs to you! Uncertainty can be a lot harder and painful than breaking up, even. When you break up then at least after the initial shock you start a slow but sure upward curve of recovery. In a situation though when things can go either way, it is just soo soo painful and exhausting, like every nerve in your body is in a hyper-alert expectation mode, running through all the possible good and bad outcomes, unable to rest or relax for a second...

I would not say AP has been hot and cold in particular, but given the 'great timing' of us meeting and all the complications, things have been confusing. If I think about it, it would be a bad sign if he would not be feeling torn, because that would mean he is a sociopath, with no feelings...What makes our situation even more intense in one sense, than most people's on the board (whose spouses are blissfully unsuspecting for the most part) is that AP and his wife are right in the middle of the greatest storm of their 26 years of marriage. He just had his DD (if that's how it's called:-)just a few weeks before he met me.

I think you are absolutely right about that taking the Buddhist road approach is the best. That is what I have felt deep down in my heart as well, but it is good to hear it from others.

Now I keep thinking of the specifics; how to bring it up and what to say exactly. We will meet on Tuesday for a good 3-4 hour block, and I probably should talk about it then, definitely not over the phone. But what should I say? Should I be milder ("Look at, I have been thinking and maybe...do you think we should slow down things a bit/not see each other for a while until you feel like you have really given a shot to your marriage/ your head clears?") or stronger (like just announcing "we should take a break from each other" and see how he reacts?).

We have this wonderful romantic week-end booked in July that we can not stop talking about and both sooo look forward to.. :-( It would be so hard to give him and everything that goes with being with him up.. On the other hand, I don't want to be this 'evil' distracting influence, and I'd rather offer him space, than wait until he asks for it, which would be so painful... :(

On a different note, assuming we do decide to keep contact, when and if he talks like this again, what should I say? I just find myself speechless, confused, sad and really not sure what to say.

Thanks so much!




Edited 6/13/2010 9:21 pm ET by calpurnia2008
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 10:16pm

Cal honestly it has never happened. The most guilt I have to deal with of his is his feelings about me being involved with him, a MM, now that I am single. He tries to give me an "Out" which never lasts longer then five minutes...I love him very much. He sets the bar very high for any man to follow him into my heart.

So long as he continues to be careful and doesn't get caught I will continue to gave no guilt as well.

It sounds to me like you and ur AP communicate very well, so just be yourself and go with your gut. Be honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 2:43am

To my knowledge, AP has never had issues with guilt (if he has, he's never expressed them to me).


He has opened up to me about things such as the problems in his marriage, though.

anotherseyes