how does D change things in your A

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
how does D change things in your A
1
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:12pm
I just need some advice on how to handle the current situation. The first time I posted was over a year ago and so much has changed. The "short story"- MM and I dated 20 years ago in college. He was my first love and I was his (although not his first sexual partner). I was not ready to settle down and we both made some mistakes. He ultimately married another woman and I married about 10 years later. We remained friends. He was always my best friend and someone I was truly in love with.

About 3 years ago we finally talked about us and our feelings for each other. We still both loved each other. We talked and emailed for about 6 months and finally got together. It was better than I could ever had imagined. We were best friends and loved hanging out and were completely in love with each other. We have a LDA but got together 4 times over 9 months - for a 3-7 days at a time.

Then things seemed to feel a little different. Both our marriages were strained. Over a year ago he called and said he needed NC to try to work on his marriage. I was devastated and caught completely off guard. We did not communicate at all for about 3 months except I sent him a letter every week or so to let him know that I was there for him no matter what happened and that our friendship would survive.

We finally talked in June and he said the time of NC had not really changed anything in his M but that he needed to do that to be sure he had given it one more try. We talked maybe once a month over the next few months, but it was awkward. Then in October I wanted to know where I stood and we had a long talk. He said he loved me and his feelings for me would never change, but that at this point he was not going to leave his W. I had never asked him to and was confused why he would think I wanted him to leave his W. He has two kids- 7th and 11th grade. I was in no way ready to leave my H - my D is 5yo.

We talked every other week or so and I knew he was having problems but that had been going on for awhile. Then in Jan all of a sudden I get a call telling me his W wants a D and has hired the meanest D lawyer in town. Everything happened so quickly. They are now D. It still amazes me. XMM quickly realized he was better off and seems OK with things-- although I know it is still tough not to have the kids always there. He has never tried to push me to leave H. He often says he would not want me to go through the pain that he has gone through. He is adjusting but clearly has moments where things get him down which is normal.

But recently he has said that he is tired of trying to make someone else happy- which I agree with- but to me giving and receiving are so much a part of life. The more you give the more you receive. Lately I just feel like I am giving all the time. We talk about 5 times a week but for some reason it just feels different. I know he loves me and he knows I love him but he seems not to say things as often as he use to. When I tell him what I need he listens but I still feel frustrated.

We won't be able to get together until the fall but I am just confused...so this long-winded question is-- once your MM gets a D and you are still M - how did that change/affect things?

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:38pm
I think in most cases in your situation, the one who gets a divorce will take some time to heal, and then move on with their lives to someone who is truly available. Wouldn't you do that if you divorced your h? I know that's what I would do.