How does everyone handle........

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
How does everyone handle........
7
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 6:49pm
the times when he pulls away? I see everyone writing about these times and obviously they all go through it in some form or another....but I'm having trouble dealing with the feelings that this causes ME to have. I've been involved in my EMA for about 6 months and we haven't had any NC periods or breaks from one another. He has pulled away from time to time and it usually never lasts for more than a day, but it seems like we've been in a slump all week! He didn't even call today which is highly unusual.

Here's my problem though....I don't mind giving him space, sometimes I think I need it myself..but how do I deal with feeling like I'm just sitting here "waiting" on him to return to "normal" without feeling used at the same time? I've never really felt used or mistreated in our relationship, he's usually quite considerate but I still don't know what to do with the feelings I'm left with when he acts like this ....I can't help but feel like if I'm available for him when he "returns to normal" then...in reality, I'm at his beck and call and that in turn allows HIM to choose how to treat me.

If he's dealing with guilt, etc., there are times I also deal with guilt, feelings, etc., and I think I do so "without" his ever knowing it...(most of the time) I don't think I mistreat him in any way. I dunno, it's confusing and I just don't know what to do with it. I just know it doesn't feel right and I see everyone here writing about the exact same thing and I'm just wondering if anyone can give me any insight to this and how you all deal with it. Maybe I've just not experienced this enough to know whether it's normal or not, according to what everyone else writes..it is. I guess I'm just having problems dealing with my own feelings about the way he acts...or doesn't act would be more like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 7:14pm
Hi PR,

I don't even know if I'll be helping or just rambling on in some way. MM and I have never really had periods of NC or even a break... only those that relate to holidays an such... which I will have a week of NC from tomorrow due to school holiday and him spending time away with his family.

I saw him last week and everything was 'normal' as normal as can be for us... but since late last week and yesterday... he seems a little different and distant. I feel he's pulling back in a sense... but I feel that he's actually doing it for me. I have never discussed my feelings for MM with him... but he does know that I will miss him while he's not around... I've not a problem telling him that... so I think that he gently eases me into the NC by pulling back a little.

I have experience a few other times when he pulls back... I can just tell in his emails... this is sometimes work issues... or maybe a problem at home... an issue with his wife. For me... I tend to keep a regular contact and try to pretend that there is nothing wrong... just keep sending my usual emails... more often than not, if there is a problem... he will tell me... but I will never force the issue.

In the meantime for me... I just go about getting on with life... will do something to keep me busy... and with two kids and study... for me it's not that hard. If I find that he is really distant and I can't focus fully on what I'm doing... I tend to really focus in on the board or by doing something for him that I can surprise him with at a later time. In all honesty... the board has been my saviour... and while I don't put a lot of my feelings and problems up... I tend to focus in on others and hope that my experience may help in some way.

It really is about getting your mind away from MM... and onto something that will keep you busy.

As I said... not sure if I've helped... or just rambled... the NC week with MM has got me all out of it... while I'm happy he's getting a break and time with his kids... I will just miss our email banter... but I've got assignments and hopefully enough to keep me busy... it is only a week afterall.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 7:18pm
Every relationship has an ebb and flow. If your ebb and flow is such that he pulls away for less than a day most of the time, than that is not so unlike a normal, non affair relationship. But I have a feeling that if that were all that you were dealing with, you wouldn't be writing about it here. I would just ASK him what is going on. Tell him that you feel kind of ignored, and ask him what he thinks/feels. Don't ASSUME he is pulling away. Perhaps it is not that at all. Perhaps it is. You won't know unless you ask him what he is feeling.
Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 7:27pm
thanks sweet for your reply, it always helps to know someone's been there and is there to listen. I do try to keep myself busy and like you..it isn't hard with a h, 3 kids, work and on top of all that running the kids everywhere in the afternoon...whew! We've never really communicated via email, he just usually calls (not me) and I don't "flip" out when he doesn't but..it just seems like I'm always putting more into this relationship than he is and I'm getting soo tired of it..I don't know how to explain it, or if I'm even making sense to anyone?! Just wanted to thank you for listening...that always helps!

PR

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 7:38pm
lol, yoga..I was hoping you'd be on the board..but was expecting a totally different answer than this. I do feel ignored..that's it. I'm used to hearing from him and I guess I'm spoiled in some ways too. But...I also know "not think" that he IS pulling back, {see last week, we had this discussion about "his being scared"}I mean he said that...I'm scared...I'm like "of what, dumba$$?" well...not in those words, but I WAS thinking that. And I told him, I get scared too at times but I can't deal with his guilt & emotions on top of my own...it's just not fair.

Anyways, I thought we were all over this cause we ended on a VERY positive note Thursday, then he said he'd probably not be able to talk to me the next day, but he wanted me to come see him after work. I didn't go, cause after not hearing from him all day, I didn't feel like being used...I mean really. So, he was off all weekend and he ALWAYS calls on mondays, but not today...just texted me a stupid @ss message that I didn't respond to...I just know he's pulling back, didn't mean to go into all that though.

I just don't know if I can handle it or not anymore. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just that I'm confused. I'm not sure if I "want" to be there when he decides he's available to me, ya know? I mean...I have feelings too. I know this relationship is UNLIKE any I've been in and I can't compare it to a regular one but it altogether sucks how things work out sometimes.

PR

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 9:55pm
Hi PR

It's hard, I know. Although you and your MM seem to have a MUCH closer relationship than the one I am involved in (which in some ways probably makes it even harder for you). I know what you mean about not wanting to ALWAYS be availabe. My MM pulls back at times, and I'm still not sure how to handle it. I usually pull back too in response. Of course, I also try to understand and be patient, as I now know it comes with the territory. But it is still VERY hard. Reading Sweet's post doesn't give me much hope that I will be able to handle it better in the future. I'm not helping, am I ?!

I also try to take the time to think things through when he pulls away. I use the time to make sure that *I* still want to be involved. And I usually do!! Jesus, I never though an EMA would be such a soul searching experience! Be positive...let us know what happens!

C

 

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 7:47am
Hi Charlotte, your post made me laugh..and I needed that alot! It is a soul searching experience indeed, I DO wonder all the time if it is even worth it though! I mean with everything else that goes on in my life, I think at times...Do I really need this BS? Even though I can't even fathom the actual thought of letting him go! MM & I are close and I don't know if that's what makes it harder or what?? I do tend to pull away also, cause I don't want to seem pushy but at the same time I also don't want to seem like I'm willing to take just anything he dishes out...that's why I'm sooo confused! I think if this were any regular relationship, I would've already kicked him to the curb, ya know? He can go for weeks on end and be the sweetest guy ever but if we ever hit a sore spot in the relationship, he acts like a bigger baby than me. Honestly. I'm not sure if I'll hear from him or not today...lol, he's probably waiting for ME to call HIM...which'll take a while. I'll let ya know though how it all turns out. Thanks for being there!

PR

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 2:42pm
PR

Glad I could make you laugh! I have been feeling very similiar to you lately. I just don't know. Remember...let us know what happens!

C