How to get back on track after it's over

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
How to get back on track after it's over
12
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 7:58pm

i was in an A for about 1 1/2 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 8:46pm

Soccerdad,


I am sorry that you are in the situation that you are in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 9:21pm

you are exactly right;she fulfilled something i am missing within me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 9:24pm

Hi soccerdad... only time can heal the situation. I think your xAP is doing the right thing by moving on with a man that is available. I was in an A for 3 years and it caused me more pain than my actual D (which happened before the A, I have been D for 5 years). In your case I think marriage counseling would be very beneficial in helping rebuild your relationship with your wife, and lessening the pain of losing your xAP. You are welcome to visit the EAS board for support, we are all about healing after ending an A.

hugs,

trixie

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 11:49am

Hi Soccerdad and welcome,


Time is a great healer, but i also think you should use this opportunity to look within yourself and use it as a learning strategy to try and understand why the need for the affair. One thing i must ask is in your post you state your wife loves you and would want to meet those needs, so what is it that stops you from acheiving that with your wife. Also you state your wife loves you, but you never mentioned loving your wife. I think you need to focus on your true

"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 6:05pm

sugarandspice1:


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2008
Sun, 03-29-2009 - 6:16am
i had same feelings of loss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Sun, 03-29-2009 - 3:52pm
i am a little better than i was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 03-29-2009 - 4:38pm

I found your post to be heartfelt and well thought out--open and honest. You talk about the way XAP made you feel with her desire for you--yet say it is not reality. My question is --what is not reality, that this woman made you feel good, or that it could be sustainable into the real world? Do you believe she loved you? You speak of your deep pain, the ache you felt/feel-do you believe this is just the passion you miss or did you truly love her? Do you think you can remain in your marriage and not seek another AP? I ask these questions purely to try to understand your choices. I am divorcing --I know I cannot continue in a marriage that does
not satisfy me to the level that I need..which lead me to seek someone other then my husband to feel fulfilled, happy, passionate etc after 24 yrs of fidelity..

I wish you peace as you begin this journey of self discovery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2009
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 10:00pm
i don't think i really knew her well enough to know if I loved her or just loved what she did for me....and I don't know yet if I will seek another AP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 12:08pm

Okay my most honest statement is this: I think you miss what you know you can no longer have. I think if you had her back you would be just as unhappy with that relationship and it's stressors as you always were.

That said, I know that it is very hard to get back on track after a breakup. Especially one that you cannot share with family and friends. You are forced to deal with this internally and that makes it all the more difficult to overcome.

Remember this when you compare your marriage to your affair relationship: In a marriage you see all sides of your partner, all the warts are right there for your viewing. In an affair, because of the very nature of the relationship you see only the good sides of your AP. You spend a few minutes or hours together at a time so you don't get a chance to see the warts, so to speak. That said, it really is unfair to compare your relationship with your wife and life partner to that you had with your AP. Instead it might be better to separate them.

Time for introspection for you. If you are really wanting to rebuild your marriage, then my best advice is to focus on the positives that your wife brings to the table. Start making some of the same efforts with her that you did with your AP and see if you notice any differences. On the other hand, if you find it is just not making you happy then maybe you need to evaluate other options.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz

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