How to Handle a Crush? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
How to Handle a Crush? Help!
14
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:28am
I have been married for 11 years, have 2 kids, but I have had a huge crush on someone I work with. I've been feeling this way for months now and it's driving me nuts! I feel guilty about this, but I can't stop myself from thinking about him all the time! He is married also, and I'm pretty sure he's feeling the same way because of the way he behaves when we are around each other, but I don't think either of us would ever actually act on our feelings. We would both feel it's wrong to cheat on our spouses. But what do I do about these feelings for him I can't seem to control? It's definitely a sexual attraction (I'd like nothing better than to have wild crazy sex with him), but I also love, admire, and respect his character and personality. I've tried focusing more on my husband (for months now) but nothing is working. HELP!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:31pm
Find another job FAST, if not I just don't know what else to say.... I have been through it and acted on it and of course it was awesome but then you get emotionally involved and it screws with your mind big time. Be careful..... It's really hard not to give in to temptation but you may fall hard for this guy and if you both are staying in marriages then you will go through HELL... you will miss him all the time, want to be with him all the time, you will be disgusted when your H touches you. IT is not fun, not fun at all, please be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:57pm
HI Huge

You should pay attention to what the first poster said, it's all true.

If you can't change jobs get to a different deptment in a different building do anything, your huge crush will turn into a huge pain for you and your kids and husband.

If things are bad at homeand can't be fixed leave get into a relationship that you can have in the open.

Run do not walk away from the pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 10:39pm
Thank you so much for your advice ... I need to hear it! I know you're right ... I would fall very hard for him. I'm sure it's great at first but like you said the aftermath sounds very hellish. I already think about him when my husband touches me so I bet it would be a thousand times worse if I had an experience with the OM. What ever happened with your situation? Did you end things later? And did it make you feel bad about yourself or just bad about the whole situation? Thanks for your help advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 10:48pm
Oh boy. That's vote #2 for get away as fast as possible. I can't help but feeling that the advice of both of you is going to save me a lot of heartache ... I need to get strong now and just act on it. That will be the hard part since I'm so addicted to the rush of being around him. Oh boy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:01am
I hope you do take our advise cause only one thing is really good when you have an affair and that is the sex, that is only my opinion though.... Yes, the MM may be a super nice guy and treat you great and all that BUT you still have your other life... the one that you committed yourself to forever, that won't go away easily. I too have been married 11 years and have 2 small kids. I am not going anywhere, my H is a good guy and our sex life is pretty good, but passion is what makes me stray. I got panicked when I read your post, it was like me posting when I should of a few months ago when MM was coming onto me.

My situation that I am in now has been terrible and I just ended in Friday via a nasty letter. I have to, it was not healthy at all. The sex was incredible but that was it.... All I ever did was cry over him cause I could hardly be with him and he wasn't very attentive to me in between. Oh he wanted the A, very much, and was emotionally involved with me also but didn't how to handle it so he ended up treated me NOT the way I wanted and deserved.

Now I have to avoid him at work cause it sets me off to the bathroom for a 2 minute cry a few times a day. He works one floor above me so it makes it easier to dodge him but there is always the elevators and the amount of times I have to go to his floor for mail etc. I have to change the times of the day that I go up there cause he sorts knows when I am coming up and seems to be around that area ....

Think of the "time" you would spend with MM on just an average day .... it would probably be maybe 1 hr tops and then think of the time you are not with him.... which would be probably 23 hrs. Is that really worth the heartache???

I am glad you are thinking twice about this. Some women can handle the longing and depression that comes with A's and some have been having their affair for years, you will notice this all as you read on. They seem to handle it very well but I am just warning you of the feelings that happen and they are worse when you are not planning to D your husband. Some women have found their soul mates but they are married so how sad is that when you truly found "the one" and you can't have him. You could fall in love very easily with this guy and one kiss you will be a goner......

If it was me I would probably do something stupid and go out for drinks with him then jump his bones thinking that I am just going to get him out of my system but that doesn't work, trust me.

Keep us informed even if you .... you know.... and don't worry, I won't lecture you if you do I will just be there for you to vent cause I am not one to judge that is for sure.






iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:04am

hi hugecrush and welcome to the board.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

Avatar for gobfuse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:24pm
I was in your situation. I used to work with a guy I had a huge crush on...I was married and so was he.

Nothing ever came of it, but we would flirt, and it would feel great, then he wouldn't be in the office, and I would feel depressed, so I either felt totally high on his attention, or totally devastated when he wasn't around.

I got another job about a year ago, so I no longer see this guy, although I still do miss him, but believe me, not being around him has made it better, and although it hurts, it's for the best. Even after all this, I'm not even totally sure how he felt about me, so I couldn't assume anything, because I never confessed to him how I felt about him either.

I did e-mail him a couple of times after I got another job, but he never wrote back, so I'm really glad I left the job, and glad I didn't make myself seem foolish by saying anything to him I regretted.

So, I know how you feel. I wish you luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:43pm
Your story breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you have gone through this. It made me feel sick to my stomach to imagine all those things happening. I feel like you have been reading my mind. I have almost been hoping that we would do exactly what you described ... go out for drinks, lose the inhibitions and just jump his bones. I keep thinking maybe if I just kiss him once that will get him out of my system. But I bet I wouldn't be able to stop at just a kiss.

There is nothing horrible about my husband, but I just feel like the OM is so much more like my soul mate. But I could never leave my husband because I care too much about my kids. It would be horrible to do that to them. It really hit home when you wrote about not being able to ever truly be with your soul mate after starting the relationship. What a nightmare!

I am really thankful that you are sharing your experiences with me ... if anything good can come of what has happened to you, it would be that you are helping someone like me sort through everything. Thanks again and I'll keep you posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 8:02pm
HI Huge

Just a word of warning you will not get him out of your system by kissing or sleeping with him, you'll ownly end up deep in an Affair.

Sorry this soulmate stuff is a load of b/s, it's the newness that makes you think that way.

Noted that you did not concern yourself with hurting your husband perhaps you should find out way.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:32pm
thanks for your honesty, Free. I think I haven't given weight to hurting my husband because he can be pretty nasty sometimes. He has hurt me so many times. Not that i want to get revenge or anything. But you are right that this is the real issue behind even seeking the excitement of the affair. And of course I only see the face the OM has at work and am not seeing all the negatives.

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