How to have NSAA???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2009
How to have NSAA???
3
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 1:15pm

Hello -


I've posted on here just one time before a while ago, but continue to lurk - it's nice to read and feel not so alone in all this.


Long story short - I love my DH to death, been married 6 years, have 2 young kids together - he is a great husband/father - but I am not sexually attracted to him, he is very much to me, so we have consistent sex - but it's all for him, I rarely enjoy it no matter what he does. And I know he gets bored with it as well (probably because I don't always act into it) we are very open and both have discussed how monogamy is over-rated - at the same time though - could never think/imagine the other with someone else.


About 4 years ago I started an A with a MM, EA at first, then PA - we fell in love, hard - but eventually, we both knew we had to part our ways - neither of us had intentions of leaving our spouses. I had not pursued an A, never felt I was "that kind" of person - he pursued me and DH and I were strained at that point (after just having first child) so I went with it. The fact that it started EA first, is what made things so bad.


Fast forward to now - A has been over for a while, exAP is now divorced and has been calling on me - mostly because he's lonely. He/we want a "toned down" PA only - but with our past that is incredibly hard for both of us. So I've been avoiding him. However, I still have this big piece missing in my marriage - SEX. I have been pursued by another MM who has propositioned me for NSAA - purely physical - sounds great! Get what I want that I can't get from DH, doesn't have the emotional messy junk of exAP - perfect situation right? I've known this new guy for a couple years now, when we finally got physical - it was unbelievable - better than anything with either DH or exAP. I just have a new problem - I can't seem to keep my heart out of things!! As hard as I'm trying I cannot seem to have just meaningless sex. New AP has began as a close friend, and I want that to continue - however adding this new part of us into things I can't help but start becoming more attached - no, I don't love him, I don't have strong feelings for him - yet - I'm just scared of what could happen - especially with my history. He has been very open - this is simply friends with benefits - I walked into this with my eyes wide open. He even came to me as "if you want to do this I would love to, but if not, I'll pretend I never said anything and we'll continue as just friends" but I wanted it.


My question/dilemma - how do you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 2:44pm

Sweetie -


Honestly - I think you answered your own question - you just DON'T keep your heart out of things, for the most part.


I know there are

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 10-23-2009 - 6:44pm

There is no such thing as meaningless sex. Feelings do develop, and then someone gets hurt. Hmm...let's guess who's that "someone" will be...get over EAS and see how much pain you'll be in when all of it falls though - because it will.

Love,
GbG

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Sat, 10-24-2009 - 7:40pm

You can't --- read up on Oxytocin.