how have you changed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
how have you changed?
20
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 12:09pm

for those who are still in an A -

how have you changed since it started? feeling better or worse or both? learned something about yourself, your marriage or life in general?

what's new with you as an AP?
Mrs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 6:39pm

Mrs... thanks for another great question... how i have changed...I feel better now than 2-3 months ago for sure.

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 6:43pm

yes there was a post but that's another story ...

how have i changed?

- less likely to be the judge and jury, recognizing i can't possibly know what goes on in private lives
- more likely to voice my opinion in my own household, not that i was meek before.
- less likely to make the effort, since it has always been left to me to be the initiator.
- more time spent "in my own head" - not always a good thing.
- less certain of my future.
- more removed from friends, least they spot something.
- less time playing and more time working to please MM - good and bad outcomes on that.
- more in tune with my body.
- much more appreciative of gray hair LOL.

and more time online with my naughty friends.
Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 6:51pm
I am with you shesant...I couldn't stop staring at the picture... so beautiful and sad and moving!
maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 7:48pm

Excellent question. I too enjoy reading/learning from your posts.

how have you changed since it started? It has made my perspective on love more positive and wanting to share myself. It has made me for the first time in my life want something I cant have. Which is very hard for me, almost torture at times.

feeling better or worse or both?
Definitely both! After having "sexual problems" for years with my H, and it nearly destroying my entire self esteem,(which was otherwise very good) it is so good to be re-affirmed and know now for sure that it isn't me. Sex with AP is awesome. Feeling desired, wanted and lusted-after (lol) has helped my self confidence over all. I didnt know just how bad the problems with H in the bedroom had me feeling until my AP. Beyond that, we really enjoy each others company, and have a lot in common, so he is also a good friend to me as well. I am in love with him,(hesitantly) and him with me. So.... feeling the power of being in love, that I would do almost anything for him, anything to be with him,wanting to bare my deepest thoughts and feeling with(I never do though) etc., etc., is something I haven't felt in a long time. With that being said, it always fleeting and short lived,leaving me sad, always having to keep it under control, knowing that the man I want to share my entire self with, is already sharing his life with his W and child, and I will more than likely always just be the OW. I'm not the "some is better than none" kind of person, so this has become quite a struggle for me lately. (Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies on my post)

learned something about yourself, your marriage or life in general?
I have learned to lie and sneak around(not proud or bragging here, just being honest)
Also I have now remembered what it feels like to be in love and feel that in return, maybe this is a lesson for me to learn and grow from, to D my H and find the love I want and deserve. And although being with AP would be my first choice maybe there is something else in the "bigger picture." I believe everything happens for a reason, just not maybe the reason you want at the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 8:29pm

how i have change and what i have learned


I learned that men are pigs. I learn regret. I learned that a person can say they love you for 10 years and it be a lie. I learn how to lie , be selfish, sad. I learned how it feels to wait, wait and wait. I learn sex doesn't mean love. I learn an affair not where i want to be. I learn you cant always have what you want. What you want may not be what you need. I learned not to trust people. I learn not to let people get to close. I learn when you do wrong. It will come back on YOU. So I learn nothing but negative things. Now my heart is broken and i am trying to work threw this mess i made of my life. My life is destroyed and he has moved on. Don't know why i was hurt. I knew it would happen. I guess while in the fog. I forgot what i already knew. I also learn how it feels to really HATE someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 11:54pm

Wow - such an interesting variety of answers...


What have I learned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 12:10am

Lostintransition- My heart goes out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 12:28am

Good questions!

"how have you changed since it started?"
I don't hate myself anymore. I didn't realize how many bad feelings I had about myself... but ultimately they were there, and my DH ignoring me, highlighting faults, and generally not seeing me standing there exacerbated them. When single OM came along, and paid so much attention to me.... god damn, that is a drug. And it was totally addictive. I tried to quit it on my own, but like most drugs, it created a destructive neverending cycle of addiction. I kept coming back. It wasn't until I crashed into a huge brick wall that I was forced to give it up. Instant withdrawal revealed the inner pain that had been there all along. I had to face that. So that was hard to do. Extremely hard. Impossible at times. I wanted to die. A lot. Now? Now I am closer to having forgiven myself. I'm closer to liking myself. Liking myself enough to expect and ask for the best from everyone around me, including DH and including myself. So that makes me changed for the better.

feeling better or worse or both?
See above-- mostly better. I won't lie to you though, I still think about OM almost every day. It's been a year and a half since the A ended and we last spoke. We had been friends for years before the A, so it's somewhat unique. But when I think of him, it's not always in a bad or dangerous way. Sometimes it's just like remembering a good friend, but then I remember they died. And that makes me sad. Also, seeing this still affecting my DH makes me sad. And brings up that self-loathing from before. I am better at quashing it, as is my DH. We do it together. So, better and worse. Take each day as it comes. Mostly better.

learned something about yourself, your marriage or life in general?
So much. Two links to share. One is from the sex columnist Dan Savage and it's so true it's incredible. (warning if you are anti-gay, Dan Savage is homosexual.) It's about 5 minutes long, and it's called "The Price of Admission." Most insightful thing I've heard about relationships, ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno

What else have I learned? I've decided to start blogging about it if you are interested to read more and give me feedback from your lessons:
http://affairhealing.blogspot.com

"what's new with you as an AP?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 4:57am

Loveisajourney,

Thank you so much! I definitely appreciate the prayers - I need them so much now. I am so depressed and its effecting every aspect of my life.

I can't believe reading these happy posts on here, it makes me wonder that not all A are as bad as mine. That I must just be stuck with a 'bad apple'. :/

Thank you again, and best of wishes to you as well.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 5:47pm

What a great Question, Mrs.!

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