How long can I do this for?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
How long can I do this for?
3
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 9:57pm

Hi all,

I've always thought about this subject, but never really given it any real deep thought. Yet the question keeps coming back and hounding me...most especially when AP/BF leaves. As you may remember, we just celebrated our 5th anniversary...we didn't really acknowledge it out loud to each other, but special things were bought & prepared. It felt celabratory anyway :-) 

He came home again this weekend (yay) and it was really, really lovely. He came straight to my apartment from the road, which was super nice. Normally we just meet at the pub, and then come back to my place. We also went without alcohol for a change :smileyhappy: and the level of intimacy we reached was truly wonderful. I'm not talking about just sex either. The conversation, the hugs and kisses, it was intoxicating (who needs alcohol, huh?). I've been cutting WAY back anyhow, it is just way to freakin' fattening! Also, surprise surprise....the arguments have become ZERO. 

So, when he's away I go and hang out with a GF...who herself is in love with a MM. Anyhow, we always talk about the "deep" stuff...and we were both wondering how long I can continue in this relationship. I've thought about it often, and I can't think beyond the NOW. I think I could go on indefinitely. Then I think that I can't possibly. Then I think, but I love him SO much...I don't care if he ever leaves her and marries me. Then I think...but I'm worth that, and more! And back and forth, and back and forth. This isn't coming from a place of pain, or angst...I'm just truly curious. And honestly? Sometimes I think I have the perfect arrangement...no one breathing down my neck 100% of the time, able to have "ME" time without question. He does lots of things around the house for me, and things that he doesn't do? I learn how, and I do them! I do have plenty of times when I really do wish he was all mine, but it's not such a biggy in my life at the moment. I think that's because I am so blissfully happy right now...I really do fall more and more in love with him every time we're together. But...can I do this for another five years? Ten? I'll be 60 by then! Lord, I wish I had the answers. 

I guess I would like to know if there are any single MAS'ers out there who have remained in a long (LONG) term R with their AP? And how do you see the rest of your life playing out? Do you still have hope that he/she will leave their M's and end up with you? 

Still, I feel incredibly happy with my guy...and he makes me feel like he feels the same. We are doing so great right now, I couldn't be much happier..that's for sure!

benska


Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 10:59pm
How long? Yup, thought about it and I would love to do it forever. Be the blomkvist to my Berger. But that is my fantasy. It's been on/off for so many years. But you wonder, I am worth so much more! Do you want to share him forever? Being the MA, I am not going to leave my H. That is the reality of it for me.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 11:47pm

Hi Benska,

I'm single and was with AP for 6 yrs.  I could've written every word of your 3rd paragraph myself.  In my case, I saw him 3-4 days/wk, so when the weekend rolled around, I didn't mind having that time to do whatever I felt like.  There are a lot of fuzzy lines for me because we were committed to each other and always working to improve our R.  We did so much together that I never really felt I was missing out.  But then there were times he had to excuse himself to take a call from his SO, or a birthday or holiday spent apart, or not getting to meet his kids that he's so proud of, or not being able to be with him for his brothers' funeral... etc.  It annoyed me a lot that I was the one he came to for everything, but she got the benefit of being called his GF to his family and friends.

I don't have a lot of regrets.  I do wonder if I'd been less willing to settle if he'd have been more willing to give me more, but I can't dwell on the past.  Do I still have hope he'll leave SO?  Yes, absolutely.  Even if he didn't end up with me, they aren't a good match & I wish he wasn't so afraid to end that R.  I never asked him to leave, but I guess I needed to know there was that underlying possibility.  Kinda like you wouldn't go on a 2nd date with a guy who told you he didn't like you.

Had he not ended it, I don't know when or if I would've.  Even though we haven't seen each other in a month, we still talk.  As for how I see the rest of my life playing out, I have no idea.  I wonder constantly what I'd do if he wanted to reconcile.  The pain of the break-up has been excruciating, and maybe I have to see this as the only way I'll ever break free of the craziness of an A.  But I also can't imagine us not being "us".

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 9:59am
Sounds like you're quite happy with the way things are for the most part. The only time you get a little bothered is when you start breaking them down and over analyzing the specifics. And I can see how that would drive anyone nuts. I'm a little jealous that you're having such a great time for the most part. :smileyhappy: