How long was it before you ..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
How long was it before you ..........
19
Tue, 10-07-2003 - 8:00pm
first consummated the A? I'm just curious about everybody's different experiences. We have NOT consummated ours yet, but I know we will, I just don't know when. We've both expressed that desire, we just don't want our first time to be trivial and in any old place or just a common thing.

We even scheduled it for two weeks from now, but it doesn't look like that will happen, so we will probably have to reschedule for some time next month. We'll see. We have set rules for that as well. Never at my house, never at his house, never at certain motels, etc..... We have a whole list of when nots and where nots. Just being cautious because we both want to stay married to our spouses.

That does sound stupid. We want each other but we want to stay married to our spouses. I never in a million years thought I'd ever be this selfish or be in a situation like this one.

Ok, my tangent is over, now answer my question please fellow board members. I've noticed that men are also on this board.

Laugh Smiles

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 2:58pm
Ive known my OM since I was a kid. I emailed him and we talked online for a few weeks. He came to take me to lunch and only got a hug outta me that day...we continued talking online and a month or so later he gave me a ride home from the rental car place and we shared a kiss, a few of them...it was only another month before we shagged! HA! so all together probably 2 months before we consumated things...actually 4 meetings I think...lol

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 4:38pm
Oh my, we do have a lot in common! Yesterday I must have started at least 6 posts to you're wonderful thread and everytime I would get half way through someone would come in my office including MM!

Take your time...we have been working together for almost 9 years and have been "involved for almost 5 and still no ic! Ok, we do everything but ic! It started out like you have... the flirting and friendship and about 5 years ago the kissing. We went to a 3 day conference out of town about that time too and we spent the first night together doing everything but ic and the next day he said he felt like there was a little person on his shoulder watching and he felt guilty and he was sorry but we couldn't do it again but we still went to dinner that night and then to a bar and danced all night. We tried to stay away from each other at work but the attraction was just so strong. We had many makeout sessions and happy hours and lunches but nothing more. Anyway, last summer we made a bet about the stock market and the winner would get to do whatever they wanted with the other person for 2 hours. He won. Well, a few weeks later we went for drinks after work at a nice bar close to the office and he said he wanted me to pay up so we went back to the office and did everything but ic! Our after hours encounters have been getting more and more frequent and this is the only place we can go because he is so well known here and anyplace we go he knows someone.

Last week we had a good week as we went to a training class 2 hours away but we took another employee. We stoped on the way home at a restaruant/bar about an hour out at 3:00 in the afternoon. we had so much fun even with the other guy there. We then went to a bar close to my house after that because none of us wanted to go home yet. I got home arouund 10:00. All that week we had so much fun at work. The next day he took me to his club for lunch. We even had 2 makeout sessions during the day at work with everyone here and he initiated it. We never ever have done that. He now tells me that he feels no guilt whatsoever and that someday we will have ic.

Take your time. Enjoy what you have and when the time is right it will happen. I kid you not We have a LOT of fun together without ic. use your iminagiation******

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 7:26pm
Thanks Sparkles. That was a very refreshing post. :-D

MM and I also have a lot of fun together w/o ic and without anything physical at all. I think I've got it bad for him. We talked about our "original" arrangement today about the entire thing being only physical. He never wanted the strictly physical thing being that he was enjoying me for who I am and he just wanted to know me on a more intimate level. He says he's happy I changed my mind about him. I just didn't want to get involved because I was afraid of getting hurt. Well today I told him that I was no longer afraid of him hurting me. He then told me that I should still guard my heart because my H could try to take me from him and I would be hurt if that happened. I told him that wasn't possible because I'm already considering him my "Big Daddy" and I'm protecting my investment w/him.

It is kind of euphoric to let go of the fear and just enjoy the moments I have w/MM. Today w/MM I felt "real" (for those of you who read what I said about the velveteen rabbit). I just had to pause just now because I was remembering that kiss he gave me earlier as he told me I could always be "real" w/him because he wouldn't expect anything else from me. mmmmmmmmmm :D

What the hell am I doing? I'm a married woman w/3 children involved in an intimate relationship w/MY BOSS!!!!!!! I've got to get completely over that fact because I could easily fall totally for him. Well...............I digress.

Back to the topic at hand. Although we haven't gone all the way yet, and as much as I want it, I know I'll be both ready and very nervous when that moment arrives. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm in no hurry. I can wait.

Oh yeah, today he told me that he's waited 38 years for me and he's willing to wait another 38 years for us to have our BIG moment together. LOL. I told him that in another 38 years it might be rotten :D and not worth it :D. I'm so silly.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 8:41am
Dear GoodGirl,

You responded to my post a few days ago...and I don't know if you've read any of the further responses to the advice that YOU gave me...but MANY people thought your advice was GOOD...and someone even wrote that it AWESOME!!!!!

At the end you wrote: "My advice may sound harsh"

It wasn't AT ALL HARSH..You obviously are a smart women, who would also expect CARING, UNDERSTANDING, and MUTUAL RESPECT in a relationship......you also talked about well being, happiness and how easy to mistake passion and strong attraction and lust for love!!!

SO TELL ME....WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING??

DO YOU WANT TO BE SOMEONE'S TOY??

Just wondering because you seem to hae a problem with that, and as You wrote to me....."Do you ever feel like you're his "T O Y"? If what you post is true, you may very well be his "T O Y"!!!

It seems you are READY to act on your own PASSION, ATTRACTION and LUST, and take the RISKS of HURTING PEOPLE including YOURSELF, and RISK LOSING YOUR "HAPPY" MARRIAGE..not even FOR LOVE...but FOR LUST.....and if there is NO love involved, you WILL BE HIS T.O.Y.!!!

AND what if those FEELINGS OF LUST, PASSION, AND DESIRE do Grow into SOMETHING MORE...even does TURN INTO LOVE.....THEN WHAT???????

You are heading down a road that is DESTINED for DISASTER!!!!

SO PLEASE....be HARSH with yourself when it comes to taking your OWN awesome advice by doing the right thing. If you are willing to take this incredible risk...maybe you should BOTH give some thought about ALL the IMPLICATIONS of acting on your desires. Think ahead to a month from now..a year from now..how IT WILL affect YOUR MARRIAGES, as your desires for each other become even stronger, and your desires for your spouses becomes LESS. Trust me...my partner and I were BOTH MARRIED, too...and began in the same way THAT YOU ARE STARTING OUT...and LOOK AT THE MESS WE ARE IN NOW!!!! THE END RESULT WILL NEVER BE A GOOD ONE! NEVER!!!

SO please think about HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO YOU...to PRESERVE YOUR HAPPY MARRIAGE!

By the way...I have a hard time believing that anyone who is EVEN CONTEMPLATING an AFFAIR is TOTALLY FULFILLED and has a HAPPY MARRIAGE! Something is OFF...something is MISSING!!!

When HAPPILY MARRIED, you would NEVER, EVER EVEN THINK OF DOING ANYTHING TO JEOPARDIZE THAT HAPPINESS!!! When one says they are HAPPILY MARRIED, they would NEVER disrespect their spouse in this way...they would never do ANYTHING to hurt them...

If you are truly happy in your marriage, you are going to feel absolutely HORRIBLE after you consummate this affair and things are going to change forever in your marriage..you are going to feel guilty and torn and will struggle with emotions that you never knew existed!

Please don't take my advice as harsh either...I speak from experience, so what I say is true, and you will find this out as you move forward. I don't know if you're looking for encouragement here from people to have this affair, or the strength to STOP IT BEFORE IT GETS OUT OF CONTROL.....but I DO pray that you will find it in your heart to make the right decision about this!

I have to admit, that I have NO REGRETS about the decision I made...bu it was so much MORE than the fulfillment of a HOT PASSION AND BURNING DESIRE for my parnter!!! I found a VERY SPECIAL kind of LOVE that I had never known existed...I found a BEST FRIEND like no other...I learned a lot about myself in the process, I have a beautiful son that I cherish DEARLY and couldn't live without now....and my greatest loss in all of this is HIM....not my marriage. So for me...it was all worth it. Will it be for you???

Good LUCK!!

Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:01am
I know the feeling! I have 1 child and he has 3 but I just can't get him off my mind. I think that we do get hurt in a round about way when we have feelings like this. Just the other day he left work and walked by my outside window and signed to me that he was meeting a client and to call him on his cell because we were going to try to meet after I dropped my son at practice and we would have about an hour together. I called him and he never returned my call so yesterday am he comes into my office and says sorry about not calling but I did not have my phone on and the meeting went on until 6:00 and I went home and stacked wood. I replied I guess I know where I stand. I usually don't let those things bother me but I think that it is because we have become even closer the past few weeks. This may sound strange but I was angry because he went home to stack wood for the fireplace he has at home with his wife! You have to try not to think of those things. Anyway he says I am leaving early to play golf so I say OK by and I hope you have fun. He just looked at me and says that's it? We will se what happens today.

It is kinda funny because at one point I told him that we should Just do it (ic) and get it over with and maybe it would be so bad that we wouldn't like each other any more! He just looked at me with that sparkle in his eye and said I doubt that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:22am
Blue,

I'm glad that you took the advice given to you in a very constructive and mature way. Which is often not the case on this board, I've found. But clearly you are secure enough with yourself that you can hear opinions from all sides and consider them in perspective with the details of your own situation.

I believe lots of what you say is correct. There are a lot of potential implications to an A which she needs to think long and hard about. There *is* something missing in a M when an affair happens. For some great posts on this, read the thread started by Hisgoodgirl on her story. It also gives some excellent insight of what is going on in hgg's mind, and her MM's mind.

I think the responses to your post were based on the ACTIONS you reported from your MM, not feelings (which we can't know). You're right; none of us can know what kind of bond you have with this guy, or how much he loves you, etc. But the way he is acting toward you is irresponsible, to say the least... he's not treating you (or your son) as you deserve to be treated. That, to me, does not sound like a two-sided loving affair in which each partner has a deep sense of love and caring for the other and ACTS on it. On the other hand, and given the way hisgoodgirl has described how the A has progressed thus far, and her feelings for MM, and HIS feelings, behavior, and personality, I can't visualize him behaving in a manner which would hurt hisgoodgirl. Ever. That's just my opinion, based on intuition and the info from her posts.

Again, however, you made some good points, and we all need to consider the impact of an A on everyone else in our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 10:09am
Wow Blue!!

That was some serious advice, and I thank you for it. I'll be the first to admit that my marriage is not perfect or what I want it to be, but it does serve a PURPOSE for me.

You gave me a lot to think about AGAIN. I have thought about everything you brought up, but I fear that I have already passed that point of no return even if we NEVER consummate this thing because we genuinely care about each other's well being and happiness.

Blue, your advice was right on. You are right my marriage is not the best. We have our issues and some I fear will NEVER be resolved but that's beside the point. I know what I want out of my marriage and I have prioritized what I want versus what I can get and give. Right now my DH gives me some things that I find very important considering our current goals - raising our sons to be productive responsible men. I need to have my children's father at home w/us TRYING to make a happy home together and produce results, teach our sons the value of committment, hard work, discipline, etc. DH has told me several times that he considers his relationship w/the children more important than his relationship w/me. I totally disagree, but I cannot change his mind. In his mind his relationship w/them is more valuable than his relationship w/me. He believes when the children are gone then we can develop our relationship. Well, at times I need a true friend I can be real with. MM gives me that, DH doesn't. That doesn't mean DH doesn't meet other needs I have and I don't love DH. I do love DH. I have a true friend in MM and we do genuinely care about each other. I must also say that I do love DH deeply and dearly. DH and I have a 17 year relationship that will NEVER end regardless. DH knows my needs and he's made a conscience decision as to which ones of them he's willing to try to meet. He also knows I'll continue to love him and "have his back" whether he meets my needs or not. I'll just say DH is meeting some important ones for me and MM is meeting the other ones that DH doesn't consider important.

But I thank you and I'll continue to think about what you said. I am tormented by all of this, but as time passes, the torment lessens. I will be careful and cautious. I'm trying.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 10:13am
Thanks Mommy

:D

lots of love & hugs

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 9:54pm
DO you love your husband? DO you have kids? If so, don't do it. I know it seems so fresh and new and great. But the guilt will never leave. And think of all that get hurt from this situation. First step is don't go. It will be hard and I know in your head your are rationalizing why you should and the love and desire. It's a test of temptation. Think if this were your husband and the shoes was on the other foot? How would you feel? I am not judging or preaching...I only know from the past. It is something that will really be hard to live with. And you say you both plan to stay married...can you live with the lie? And when and if you decide you have to be together & divorce... what makes you think he won't someday do the same when the fire & desire of your new relationship starts to get boring?

Guilt can eat you up! Right now, you don't realize it. But someday you will. My advice is to not do it. And if you do love your husband, try to put your energy into him and know in your heart you resisted the temptation. It will damage many lives. And break many hearts. Do on to other's as you wish done to you. My grandfather told me something that I wish in the past I would have thought about more deeply..if you have to think if something is wrong and you have a gut feeling it is...don't do it! Good luck! Jenn

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