How many times have you ended it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
How many times have you ended it
3
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:43pm
Hello everyone. I am a bit confused.

I recently had my first affair after 20 yrs. of marraige.

It lasted 5 months, was great, full of passion, etc..

He is the one that ended it, said he wasn't eating, sleeping, mood disorders, etc.

We work together, so no contact was not an option.

After about the first 3 wks., he started to change. He started opening up more with

me and joking etc. That spark in his eyes had re-appeared when he would look at me and talk to me. I asked him last week if it was just me, or did I still see something in his eyes, and he said "yes you do, sometimes."

Well, on my way home from work today, he called me. Said he had been thinking about me a lot lately, and he wants us to be together again, he said he misses me and misses the great chemistry we had.

I know not to expect anything more than an affair with him, I never intend to leave my husband for him, nor does he plan on leaving his wife.

I know how hard it was to going back to being friends the first time, the second time will probably be harder.

I also know that it is much easier to slip back into the affair if you are around each other on a regular basis.

How many of you have ended it or had the other person end it, just to start it back up later, was it better the 2nd time around???

I really do want to be able to spend time with him, but am so confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:52pm
Well, neither of us tried to end it, but his W has caught us twice now by going through his email. Both times we backed way off. The first time we had NC for a bit, but then started talking again. The second time, which was actually far worse as his W was irate and insisted on speaking to DH, we never really stopped talking. But we don't communicate nearly as much and are very careful about it. The bottom line for us is that we are each other's best friend and we just can't see going through life without each other. Nor can we walk away from our Ms either. And so we carry on... at least for now.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 11:56pm
Hi Tempted: Boy, I could write a book on this one, LOL. My MM and I met at work, as well. We are now working on our 6th year 'together' with what is beginning to look like a "lifelong commitment" to each other in this affair. I have given serious consideration to leaving my marriage, but he can't seem to deal with the thought of leaving his (mainly for his childrens sake). He and I just had another 'break up' that lasted about 2 days (at my initiation). Doing the NC (no contact) thing has never worked for us. We go through these periods of extreme guilt and emotional meltdowns but seem to end up back in each others arms. We have so much passion for each other, that it's scary. We love each other immensely and agree that we are soulmates who met 20 years too late in life. We both still love our spouses, although it's not the same as what we feel for each other.

Is it better or worse after the initial break up? Speaking from my own experience, I was extremely wary of his intentions. Our first breakup was when his W thought he was fooling around (rightfully so!), and gave him an ultimatum. He went to counseling with her and for three months, played the role of the good husband. He sat behind me at work and it used to simply gag me hearing him on the phone with her kissing her @#$, ugh. I'm not really sure what made me cave in to him the second time around, but probably was the passion between us that drove us back into each others arms.

If I were to give you any advice, it would be to protect your heart and try to take it slow. When I became involved with my MM, it was at a time in my life where I was an emotional wreck and very vulnerable. Quite frankly I fell hook, line and sinker for this man, and to this day he still owns my heart. I would also caution you if you are the kind who has a problem with guilt feelings (like me, even after all this time). Other than that, hold on and enjoy the ride girlfriend!!

Take care,

Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:36am
Don't get me wrong - I am very much in favor of giving someone a second chance since I myself asked for one and have been given it. I just want to make sure that you fully understand that it could end up being a second burn, rather than a second chance, for you if his guilt overpowers him again and he, again, decides that having a relationship with you is much more than he can handle.